#1
We all love guitarist / singer / drummer jokes. Well I do. And If I can't think of one, I just throw things at my drummer.

Anyway..

Bassist jokes. Now I know a lot of people here get way to easily offended by stupid little things like "bass is for failed guitarists lol!!" and, I suspect, bassist jokes. But I'm sure there are those of you who actually find them kind of funny. I do. For example:

A couple goes to a marriage councillor and he tries to get them to open up about their feelings but he finds it hard to get them speaking. he eventually picks up a bass and starts playing. 15 minutes l8r the couple thank the doctor and ask him how he got them to open up about their feelings and he says "everyone starts talking during the bass solo"

and my personal favourite

Whats the difference between your bass and your wife?
No matter how many times you slap your bass, it won't make you dinner

Post yours
Quote by Bumper
You know you're a bassist when someone asks you why you play bass and you reply, "Bass is my voice, my expression. I can say things through my bass that I can't anywhere else. Also, it makes my nutsack vibrate."
#2
I am utterly insulted... amused, yet insulted... now where's those dragonforce bastards... "Bass is for failed guitarists"... I bet they both tried tol earn to play bass and failed...

GUITAR IS FOR FAILED BASSISTS!!!!!!!!!!!
#4
Erm... I can play both... Do I get, like, a medal or something? I'll happily settle for a cookie.
#6
oooooooooh, Black Hole Sun, I'm going down to Kent RIGHT NOW, looking for you.... expect me in about 2-3 hours:P
Last edited by Deliriumbassist at May 16, 2006,
#7
Man wakes up in hospital, nurse says she has good and bad news

Bad news - they had to operate on him after a fall and remove 2/3 of his brain
Good news - they bought him a bass guitar
Fender Jim Root Signature Telecaster
Martin Westside Custom Edition
Peavey 6505
Peavey XXX Cab
ISP Decimator Prorack G
Sennheiser EW172 G3
Sennheiser wireless IEM
Ibanez TS9DX
Boss TU-2 Tuner
MY BAND:
http://www.myspace.com/thedirtyyouth
#8
Quote by MoshMaster101
Erm... I can play both... Do I get, like, a medal or something? I'll happily settle for a cookie.


pfft, a lot of people can play both... I started on bass, then played guitar and bass... I'm better on guitar, but prefer the bass, cos it's my expression, and I can say things through my bass that I can't anywhere.... oh, for ****'s sake, what am I saying?
#9
I love bassist jokes, actually I love all musicians jokes.
“There’s only two ways to sum up music; either it’s good or it’s bad. If it’s good you don’t mess about it, you just enjoy it.” - Louie Armstrong
#10
Quote by Black Hole Sun
What do bassists use for contraception?


Their personality.


Thats fu*king brilliant
Celtic FootballClub1888
#11
Quote by MoshMaster101
Erm... I can play both... Do I get, like, a medal or something? I'll happily settle for a cookie.


You dont get **** ! I can play bass, guitar, piano, drums (not to well though), harp, timbali's, bongo's............... we could all play any instrument we want to amigo

What happens when a bass player takes Viagra?
He gets taller.


Why don't bass players play hide and seek?
Because no one will look for them.


How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The piano player can do it with his left hand.


Whats the difference between a useless wh*re and the bassist?

NOTHING!


BB
x
Gear Lists Are For Boys Who Masturbate Too Much.
Last edited by bassbitch at May 16, 2006,
#13
Oooohhh, your all going DOWN!

But, all the same:

Why does a bass player leave his case on the dashboard ?
So he can park in the handicapped zone.

How do you confuse a bassist?
Detune one of his strings, but don't tell him which one.

One time a guitarist left his keys in the car and had to smash the window to let the bassist out.

What do a vacuum cleaner and an bass guitar have in common?
Both suck when you plug them in.

What's the best thing to play on a bass guitar?
Solitaire.

A couple goes to a marriage councillor and he tries to get them to open up about their feelings, but he finds it hard to get them speaking. he eventually picks up a bass and starts playing. 15 minutes later, the couple thank the doctor and ask him how he got them to open up about their feelings and he says "everyone starts talking during the bass solo"

Why did the bassist join the band?
To hang out with the musicians


I took these from elsewhere on the net by the way

4stringPUNK

(but to be honest, bass rocks )
My Kit:

Encore Precision Bass
Cort Artisan A4 Bass

Kustom KBA10
Laney RB5 Richter Bass Amp Combo

Zoom B2 Bass Pedal
20ft Lead x 2
Wireless Headphones

Quote by Noremorse96
i almost got my neighbour put in jail when i told them i petted his cack (penis slang)
#14
Quote by Bassilo
How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
None. The piano player can do it with his left hand.

- didn't get it =(


Well as you know the piano plays the bass clef with the left hand. if you have no bassist and a good keyboardist, you're sweet as. they'll play melody with left, bass with right..

BB
x
Gear Lists Are For Boys Who Masturbate Too Much.
#16
Quote by bassbitch
Well as you know the piano plays the bass clef with the left hand. if you have no bassist and a good keyboardist, you're sweet as. they'll play melody with left, bass with right..

BB
x


you mean they'll play the melody with the RIGHT , bass with LEFT simple typo
#17
You dont get **** ! I can play bass, guitar, piano, drums (not to well though), harp, timbali's, bongo's............... we could all play any instrument we want to amigo

do you sing?
#19
Quote by bassbitch
You dont get **** ! I can play bass, guitar, piano, drums (not to well though), harp, timbali's, bongo's............... we could all play any instrument we want to amigo


betcha dont play didgeridoo.
Quote by Mr. T
"Mr. T defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you're still alive, it's because Mr. T loves you."
#20
Quote by dyingmartyr


do you sing?


only backing vocals and you've definitely heard better

Quote by crazypeanutman
betcha dont play didgeridoo.


I bought one in Aus but no i can't play it. But guys that's not my point - my point is that we all have the discipline to learn any instrument if we wanted to. Most good musicians can play a variety of instruments, it wins no medals !

BB
x


P.S How do you know if the stage is level?
The bass player drools out of both sides of their mouth.
Gear Lists Are For Boys Who Masturbate Too Much.
Last edited by bassbitch at May 16, 2006,
#21
Quote by bassbitch
only backing vocals and you've definitely heard better


I bought one in Aus but no i can't play it. But guys that's not my point - my point is that we all have the discipline to learn any instrument if we wanted to. Most good musicians can play a variety of instruments, it wins no medals !


i can play the didgeridoo.
Quote by Mr. T
"Mr. T defines love as the reluctance to murder. If you're still alive, it's because Mr. T loves you."
#22
^Me too! And the accordian...

Hey guys I got one!
What do you call the guy who plays the bass?


THE BASS PLAYER! HAHAH!
#23
how many bass players does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

one, but no one notices.
#24
Oh I feel like such a traitor joining in haha

Why don't bass players ever catch a cold?
Even a virus has some pride.


A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choral society's annual performance of Handel's Messiah. He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor asked, "Would you like a moment to tune?'"

The bass player replied with some surprise, ``Why? Isn't it the same as last year?''


A scientific expedition disembarks from its plane at the final outpost of civilization in the deepest Amazon rain forest. They immediately notice the ceaseless thrumming of native drums. As they venture further into the bush, the drums never stop, day or night, for weeks.

The lead scientist asks one of the natives about this, and the native's only reply is "Drums good. Drums never stop. Very bad if drums stop."

The drumming continues, night and day, until one night, six weeks into the trip, when the jungle is suddenly silent. Immediately the natives run screaming from their huts, covering their ears. The scientists grab one boy and demand "What is it? The drums have stopped!"

The terror-stricken youth replies "Yes! Drums stop! Very bad!"

The scientists ask "Why? Why? What will happen?"

Wide-eyed, the boy responds, " . . . BASS SOLO!!!"
#25
Quote by bassment junkie

A double bass player arrived a few minutes late for the first rehearsal of the local choral society's annual performance of Handel's Messiah. He picked up his instrument and bow, and turned his attention to the conductor. The conductor asked, "Would you like a moment to tune?'"

The bass player replied with some surprise, ``Why? Isn't it the same as last year?''


When I played in the school band we had to beg the conductor to have a moment to tune
Quote by John Swift
My neighbour bought his son a Mark Hoppus bass for Christmas, the set-up on it was terrible (the neck had so much bow they should have supplid arrows with it).


Its nice to be important, but its important to be nice...
#26
all the jokes about bass solos got me thinking... i would far rather listen to a kick ass bass solo than some tw*t like err i dunno michael angelo or steve vai or that dude from dragon force widdling on a guitar for ages.
who's with me?
#28
A man gives his son an electric bass for his 15th birthday, along with a coupon for four bass lessons. When the son returns from his first lesson, the father asks, "So, what did you learn?"

"Well, I learned the first five notes on the E string." Next week, after the second lesson, the father again asks about the progress, and the son replies, "This time I learned the first five notes on the A string." One week later, the son comes home far later than expected, smelling of cigarettes and beer. So the father asks: "Hey, what happened in today's lesson?" "Dad, I'm sorry I couldn't make it to my lesson; I had a gig!"
------------------------
There was a poor ragged bass guitarist panhandling for spare change on a street corner. One day someone came by and threw a brass lamp into his guitar case.

Upon rubbing the lamp, a genie appeared and offered the bass player three wishes. "I wish I was a better musician", said the bass man. Next thing he knew he was in a band that was cutting its first CD and had a loyal following.

He was pretty happy, but he wanted more. "I wish I was an even better musician", said the bassist. Before long he was playing on an extended world tour in front of tens of thousands of adoring fans. He was ecstatic, but he wanted even more.

"Genie", he said, "make me an even BETTER musician!" Poof! He found himself standing on his old street corner . . . playing drums.
-------------------------
Q. How many good bass players does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Only one. But good luck trying to find him.

Q. How do you keep a bass player in suspense?
A. ...................................

Q. If a drummer and a bass player fall off a building at the same time, who will hit the ground first?
A. Who cares?

Q. What's the difference between an electric bass and an upright bass?
A. The upright burns longer.
-------------------------
In the beginning there was a bass. It was a Fender, probably a Precision, but it could have been a Jazz - nobody knows. Anyway, it was very old... definitely pre-C.B.S.

And God looked down upon it and saw that it was good. He saw that it was very good in fact, and couldn't be improved on at all (though men would later try.) And so He let it be and He created a man to play the bass.

And lo the man looked upon the bass, which was a beautiful 'sunburst' red, and he loved it. He played upon the open E string and the note rang through the earth and reverberated throughout the firmaments (thus reverb came to be.) And it was good. And God heard that it was good and He smiled at his handiwork.

Then in the course of time, the man came to slap upon the bass. And lo, it was funky. And God heard this funkiness and He said, ?Go man, go.? And it was good.

And more time passed, and, having little else to do, the man came to practice upon the bass. And lo, the man came to have upon him a great set of chops. And he did play faster and faster until the notes rippled like a breeze through the heavens.

And God heard this sound which sounded something like the wind, which He had created earlier. It also sounded something like the movement of furniture, which He hadn't even created yet, and He was not so pleased.

And He spoke to the man, saying ?Don't do that!?

Now the man heard the voice of God, but he was so excited about his new ability that he slapped upon the bass a blizzard of funky notes. And the heavens shook with the sound, and the Angels ran about in confusion. (Some of the Angels started to dance, but that's another story.)

And God heard this - how could He miss it - and lo He became Bugged. And He spoke to the man, and He said, ?Listen man, if I wanted Jimi Hendrix I would have created the guitar. Stick to the bass parts.? And the man heard the voice of God, and he knew not to mess with it.

But now he had upon him a passion for playing fast and high. The man took the frets off of the bass which God had created. And the man did slide his fingers upon the fretless fingerboard and play melodies high upon the neck. And, in his excitement, the man did forget the commandment of the Lord, and he played a frenzy of high melodies and blindingly fast licks. And the heavens rocked with the assault and the earth shook, rattled and rolled.

Now God's wrath was great. And His voice was thunder as He spoke to the man.

And He said, ?O.K. for you, pal. You have not heeded My word. Lo, I shall create a soprano saxophone and it shall play higher than you can even think of.?

?And from out of the chaos I shall bring forth the drums. And they shall play so many notes thine head shall ache, and I shall
make you to always stand next to the drummer.?

?You think you're loud? I shall create a stack of Marshall guitar amps to make thine ears bleed. And I shall send down upon the earth other instruments, and lo, they shall all be able to play higher and faster than the bass?

?And for all the days of man, your curse shall be this: that all the other musicians shall look to you, the bass player, for the low notes.

And if you play too high or fast all the other musicians shall say ?Wow? but really they shall hate it. And they shall tell you you're ready for your solo career, and find other bass players for their bands. And for all your days if you want to play your fancy licks you shall have to sneak them in like a thief in the night.?

?And if you finally do get to play a solo, everyone shall leave the bandstand and go to the bar for a drink.?

And it was so.
#29
What was the last thing the bassist said before he was kicked out of the band?

Okay guys, why don't we work on some song's that I've written?
Quote by Sizzleby
I could watch your avatar for hours.
Quote by thewho65
It's official: apparently, the U.K. is a nation of trolls.


ORANGE AMPLIFIERS Endorser and Proud.
#30
Ahh this bass forum is getting really annoying! There's actually no active threads really about basses, just a joke thread which isn't that good! Come on guys sort it out!
Musicman Stingray 3EQ
#32
Quote by Applehead
^ Why dont you go and play your bass then, Mr Funk Machine?

Already played for like 4 hours today and have a beast blister on my index finger!
Musicman Stingray 3EQ