#1
Trying something more epic than I normally do. It's a work in progress. I know I owe some people from my last thing, I'll take care of that now. Crit for crit on this. I've got more written, but this is enough for now -- should I continue?

edit: Added a bit more -- parts eight through ninety-nine (+ postscript) upcoming.

Thoughts from the Ocean
Part One
The sunset shimmered on the sinking metal,
almost blinding me.
There was nothing on the horizon anymore
but for this wooden ship
without motor, anchor nor oar;
and me, in an orange lifejacket
clinging to this sensual loss of everything.

Part Two
I noticed a mermaid sculpted to the hull.
She was a savior nailed to my wooden ship
because life without life cannot exist.

Part Three
Soon the sea means nothing to a castaway
while a simple gum wrapper could mean you're saved.

Part Four
Unfortunately it didn't.

Part Five
Night came and went
but sleep didn't
because memory is an awful thing
when you don't remember anything.

Part Six
Misery,
keep busy.

Part Seven
My stomach growled and shook a calendar week
as I caught a turtle swimming by.
I was happier than I've been in my entire life.

..............
Part One Hundred
And on this day,
I was saved.
Last edited by SilenceEvolves at May 16, 2006,
#2
What?

Yes, please continue. I'm a bit lost. And I don't think turtles get that far out in the ocean
-Landon
#3
Quote by Vicious Sid
What?

Yes, please continue. I'm a bit lost. And I don't think turtles get that far out in the ocean


Haven't you ever seen Finding Nemo? Yes they do.
#4
This was full of fascinating imagery. Obviously it's your call, but the shortness of the parts made me wonder if there was any point separating them out in that manner. Perhaps each one is meant to be a different thought?

'Life without life cannot exist' - have I heard that before? I honestly don't know.

Apart from that, there's nothing else to criticise here for me, so well done.
#5
Quote by CJW
This was full of fascinating imagery. Obviously it's your call, but the shortness of the parts made me wonder if there was any point separating them out in that manner. Perhaps each one is meant to be a different thought?


Different thought, different day. It's a castaway's diary.

'Life without life cannot exist' - have I heard that before? I honestly don't know.


I don't know either. I can't recall hearing it anywhere.

Apart from that, there's nothing else to criticise here for me, so well done.


Thanks.
#6
I don't know if I'm reading this wrong, but this is hilarious. (in a good way.)

....while a simple gum wrapper could mean you're saved.

Part Four
Unfortunately it didn't.



Of course, a few lines of insight

because memory is an awful thing
when you don't remember anything.


All in line with the plot. Great story-based piece so far.

I'm wondering if you're planning on setting this to music.

Waiting eagerly for the rest.
So turn off the lights cause it's night on the Sun....

if anything i say comes acrosss as pretentious, tell me what an asshole i am.
#7
Well Corey, you have most definitely maintained your subtle wit and tact, and with that in mind, I do believe that you?ve employed a number of interesting techniques throughout this piece.

First of all, I can?t help but notice the brevity of the majority of the diary entries. A visual approach that suggests the authors had little time for procrastination and thought, due to the monotony of survival, either in a literal sense, or indeed an analogy, that alludes to isolation of the metaphorical variety.

Nevertheless, the actual way in which you have written this piece was at times both satisfying, and accessible, no mean feat in my opinion at least. Needless to say, I have little reason to go full throttle with you as of yet; as it?s just so lovely to have the Labrador back on track.
Incisive inklings of proper piss are unsuited for the quill…