#1
Crit 4 crit


This is what I know so far.
Everybody?s thinking
It should be easy.
Getting along
but everyone's right
and everyone's wrong
sometimes on some days

And you
Have seen it too,
Somewhere on some days

So listen to the words that I say.
Everybody silent,
It?s oh so simple.
Getting along,
Without turning on
The words we say (always)

Too much debating.
Too much debating.
I hope you agree.

And you
Have seen it too.
Somewhere on some days.

So far a thought can travel alone.
Staying true to the one,
Who wants to believe it.
So don't say the words,
You'll be crushed by the herd,
Sometimes in some ways.

And you
Have seen it too.
Somewhere on some day.
Last edited by Glenn James at May 20, 2006,
#2
This is quite a pleasnat one to read, but I definitely get the impression that it's very basic.
Perhaps removing the 'ooh' from that refrain would help a lot, and I don't think that the rythm would suffer particularly.
Again, this was an easy read; but the lack of poetic devices fails to get the reader truly involved; I believe.

Still, nice work.
#3
Thanks mate, no more oohs for me.
And I think it might be time for me to begin a change, from basic to slightly more creative diction and as you say poetic devices. Thanks for the advice.

All the best CJW

What a goal from Gerrard. I mean what A goalllllllllllllllll!
#5
thanks for the crit on mine, but im sorry i really cant give a helpful crit for yours, but i'll try.

i like how you did the "some___ on some___" phrases, and i think it'd be better if you did your title that way too. you know, something for something...

and i agree with that guy above, the piece lacks poetic devices.. it's all up to you.

that's all i can say.. good luck! ^^;