#1
New song. yeah. Any how it is in the works. Hope you like it. Crit 4 crit as long as you leave a link. EDIT: Added a new verse.

Watching the stars burn in the sky
And I can not give off any light
As the sun shine doesn?t want me
I fade into the shadows of eternity

Why?

I am broken
I have nothing
I am no one
I am broken

As their portentous flowers blossom
And water flows down their stream
My river is dry and empty
And I can no longer dream

Why?

I am broken
I have nothing
I am no one
I am broken

Transparent image of my life
As I watch the ashes fly by
Holding on to nothing tight
As I color the bleeding sky

Why?

I am broken
I have nothing
I am no one
I am broken
Last edited by guitar? at May 16, 2006,
#2
EMO alert!
CLICK ME!

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Quote by lil-matee
what is a solo?
#3
Quote by Muppet
EMO alert!


thanks for the helpful crit. And by the way it is not an emo song.
#4
Seems a bit short so far. But I like the lines:

"As the sun shine doesn?t want me
I fade into the shadows of eternity"

As you said, it's in the works. Keep it going.
#5
Quote by guitarquestionmark

Watching the stars burn in the sky
And I can not give off any light
As the sun shine doesn?t want me
I fade into the shadows of eternity

This isn't baad, it just sounds really odd. The lines don't seem to have that connection between them. This verse needs some sort of glue, imo. It's rather loose right now.

The flow seems broken by dividing can't. I think it would sound better with the contraction there.


Why?

I am broken
I have nothing
I am no one
I am broken

I read that and was just... meh. You can write far much better than this bro. Nothing much else to really say about this besides... it's just boring.

As their portentous flowers blossom
And water flows down their stream
My river is dry and empty
And I can no longer dream

This is the verse that sounds the best, imo. I love the imagery that I get when I read it, though I think that it can be stronger than it is right now.

Why?

I am broken
I have nothing
I am no one
I am broken

Again, the same as what I said about this before. It's rather on the bland side of stanzas.


This seems as more of a skeleton of something that can be greater, though it's not the worst that I have seen here.

Check out my latest if you would have the time and courtesy:An Evening in Nagasaki

!troy!



Quote by Muppet
EMO alert!


That gets you warning, which now results in your ban.
#6
i don't think it's a skeleton because i've made the experience that the lyrics from the best songs are often the shortest ones. it's also easier to find catchy melodies if you use less words.
well, guitar?, i think it's a good thing that you can compress your thoughts & feelings like that. i must admit i tend to write novels instead of lyrics. and at the same time you put some poetry in it, which is rare. i like your lyric & i'd love to hear how it sounds with music around it.
Live your music!
#7
Sry i dont have much time to crit this, but i will give you a basic outline of the problems with the piece:

Watching the stars burn in the sky Use more adjectives! way too general and ordinay, adjectives are the way of the future!
And I can not give off any light meh, its good, but too simple
As the sun shine doesn?t want me good, but use an ironic statement in the form of a contrasting adjective to make the audience think
I fade into the shadows of eternity meh, light and dark comparison, oldy but a goody.

Why?

I am broken
I have nothing
I am no one
I am broken YOU NEED MORE MEAT ON THEM BONES!

As their portentous flowers blossom an improvement, but still pretty traditional
And water flows down their stream again, too plain
My river is dry and empty
And I can no longer dream good last line but it needs a better build up to it

Why?

I am broken
I have nothing
I am no one
I am broken

WORK ON IMAGERY AND PUT SOME MEAT ON THOSE BONES! if you were a complete n00b I would call this a solid piece but seeing as how you're improving with each passing song I'm gonna treat you as an equal and crit you as such, consider that a complement
#8
You guys are right I do need some meat. I wrote the lyrics after writing the melody so the lyrics are still in the works. Thanks for the help. Added new verse.
Last edited by guitar? at May 16, 2006,
#9
You can sing this to the beat of VooDoo (godsmack) and it sounds cool..
Quote by unfathomable_bo
Well it isnt hard to bend a string that has the tension of a piece of well cooked spaghetti, especially when you have hands like goalkeeper gloves


My songs: (more to come) (C4C's)
Screams fell silent underneath the black sun
#10
Watching the stars burn in the sky
And I can not give off any light
As the sun shine doesn?t want me
I fade into the shadows of eternity



This is ok, but could do with some rewording. I would change burn in 1st line, asit is a bit overused, and the and on the 2nd line doesn't sound the best word here. And eternity sounds a bit dramatic. I quite like the souind of shadows of shade, but that is only me bud.

Why?

I am broken
I have nothing
I am no one
I am broken

ok this as you will no is no great shakes, but tbh I would leave it, as it explains the theme.
And there is nought wrong with simple. And it must fit your music.

As their portentous flowers blossom
And water flows down their stream
My river is dry and empty
And I can no longer dream

Portentous seems out of place for this piece; as the rest is basic diction. It just stands out to me. other than that a nice stanza following on from the last.
Why?

I am broken
I have nothing
I am no one
I am broken


Transparent image of my life
As I watch the ashes fly by
Holding on to nothing tight
As I color the bleeding sky


This to me is the best stanza, better imagery and ideas, really like the last 2 lines. And if you do have a change around keep this mate.
Why?

I am broken
I have nothing
I am no one
I am broken

__________________
overall pretty good, but a few changes here and there and this will work out fine

All the best guitar?
#11
I LOVE THIS SONG.
10/10 from me mate.
Its pretty, well formed, emotional (no i aint saying its emo lol) and i like the chorus.
I havnt got much crit for it, i just really like it!!
Crit mine? tis in my sigg xx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
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Meep is a word.
Use it.
#12
well I'd say unless you have a good idea for how the chorus is sung it adds not much. But I really like the verses. Teh chorus is still broken (no pun intended) I like this song tho.

might I suggest 'where sleep yields no dreams' or something to that effect.
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
Last edited by Knife2aGunFight at May 17, 2006,
#13
Quote by guitar?
New song. yeah. Any how it is in the works. Hope you like it. Crit 4 crit as long as you leave a link. EDIT: Added a new verse.

Watching the stars burn in the sky
And I can not give off any light
As the sun shine doesn?t want me
I fade into the shadows of eternity

I like this verse, it gives the song a sense of being, it sounds a little awkard though but I like it.

Why?

I am broken
I have nothing
I am no one
I am broken


I don't really like the chorus, I think it could be a lot stronger and better. MAybe lengthen it a bit and go into a little more detail

As their portentous flowers blossom
And water flows down their stream
My river is dry and empty
And I can no longer dream

The second line into the third line seems kinda out of place to me. The third and forth line though flow well together. I really like that part, maybe switch the second line?


Why?

I am broken
I have nothing
I am no one
I am broken

Once again not really into the chorus

Transparent image of my life
As I watch the ashes fly by
Holding on to nothing tight
As I color the bleeding sky

I like the first three lines a lot, very dramatic in a way. The last line though I'm a little more hesitant on though. It seems like it doesn't fit the preceding lines.

Why?

I am broken
I have nothing
I am no one
I am broken

And again not into the chorus all to much.




Overall 7/10
Its how you look and how you feel
#14
Instead of merely restating the various points made by both Troy and Doyle, I?d advise you to start implementing the edits that they so rightfully suggested.

Nevertheless, in my own opinion, if the melody you have thus far applied to these lyrics would require a chordal amendment to cope with the aforementioned suggestions, you?d be best to carry on regardless of such advice. For in such an instance, the actual existence of the song itself could be jeopardised.

Remember, writing a perfectly listenable ?pop? song is an art in itself.
Incisive inklings of proper piss are unsuited for the quill…
#15
I understand why you would keep rephrasing "I am broken" in the chorus and everything, I just wouldn't use it. It just doesn't seem too colorful (Doesn't stand out) . Although, your verses have great imagery. You seem like a pretty intelligent guy/girl though. I am sure you will have no problem determining what YOU like.
#16
yeah the chorus sucks. I have been able to change it a little and still fit with the melody. But I have not made up my mind. Knife2aGunFight hat is a pretty good title. I might work with that. Thanks.
#17
It's quite good, I especially like the first verse. Nice chorus type thing, and the other verses weren't too bad either, especially the third one. I really suck at crits.
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#18
I dont like the "Why?" it dont fit

other than that it is good
#19
the verses are pretty good, but sometimes it seems a bit bland but i think you should work a bit on the choruses, IMO theres nothing really there, i think it'd work as a 1 off bridge type idea but you need something more substantial for the chorus
Last edited by sinan90 at May 26, 2006,