#1
Hey, first time poster on these here forums. Thought I'd post one song on here, just for the heck of it. Crit 4 Crit, as you guys/gals say.

First song I wrote after I listened to the Arctic Monkeys debut album-


Sometimes I just don't give two sh**s
Fat arse, no legs or even small tits
I really don't care if the girls wanna frolic
Or if your uncles an alcoholic
Imminent nuclear war situation
World peace, politics, tax fluctuations
I really don't care if they got shot of the pound
Just pump up the volum and rock to the sound

Sometimes I just don't give a t**s
Exercise, diet, and dental floss
I really hope that the US invades
It can clear up the mess it's already made
Red light women got their own red light town
And the pimps that rent them will never go down
Drugs death ****e I just don't care about
Just pump up the volum and sing and shout

I wanna leave I wanna go I wanna cry
Away from here
I wanna leave I wanna go I wanna cry
Away from here
I can't go to bed or I'll lie awake and I fear the voices that my mind can make
People keep saying It'll be alright but I know for sure I won't last the night

Sometimes I just don't give a damn
Iraq, Iran, not even Saddam
I couldn't care less if your out of range
Or if your second cousins mum is getting engaged
Be green stay clean keep using sunscreen
Secrets of power hidden under a smokescreen
I don't wanna know if you've picked truth or dare
Just pump up the volume let the words fill the air

I wanna leave I wanna go I wanna cry
Away from here
I wanna leave I wanna go I wanna cry
Away from here
I can't go to bed or I'll lie awake and I fear the voices that my mind can make
People keep saying It'll be alright but I know for sure I won't last the night

I don't know what's your problem
With me being myself
I don't know if you've got them
But I sure hope you have

I wanna leave I wanna go I wanna cry
Away from here
I wanna leave I wanna go I wanna cry
Away from here
I can't go to bed or I'll lie awake and I fear the voices that my mind can make
People keep saying It'll be alright but I know for sure I won't last the night

I don't know what's your problem
With me being myself
I don't know if you've got them
But I sure hope you have

(c) Jamie Chadd 2006
#2
It kind of seems like an anthem, I think that is the word. Any way I do not like anthems. I did not like the message to much. But that is my opinion. Some of the flow is good. But the ending is weird. The part in the chorus were its says "I wanna cry" did not make sense to me. For what you are going for it is good. But it is not my style. Try to fix the ending. Overall it is okay.

crit mine https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=360693
#3
Sounds like a rap song, only thing that comes too mind. It's very strong.
#4
Okay, so I can't write chorus' very well.
And the ending is talking about balls, meaning courage and bravery

The song is about just getting away from it all, and just wanting some time to yourself, and some attention to your own needs.
It is not a rap song, and would hate it to be seen as one.

Anyone else? Anything constructive I can use to develop my songwriting? I'm learning and would love any advice.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at May 17, 2006,
#5
THIS KICKS ASS.
I thought it was very cleverly put together, well worded, very punky and yes, like an anthem.
What id say for advice id maybe try out using a few metaphors or similies.
So that its not just..straight words, however in a way that is whats good about this song.
I really like it man, well done =)
9/10 from me.
Can you crit mine please? The links in my sigg. xx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#6
Thanks Franz, means alot. This was my first piece so maybe you can forgive the lack of metaphorical writing.

Anyone else? More than happy to crit back.
#7
this seems quite bland to me although i thought it was slightly clever. i coudl see the rap the opther person was talkign about but my first reactino was punk. like realy punk. i dunno the lyrics were not that good in my opinion. but it is your first. and the fact that oyu wrote such a long piece ofr a first piece is cool. keep it up.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#8
No problem. No honestly its great without the metaphors, i was just talking about in future songs itd be good for you to try.
Thankyou for the crit on my song, it means alot too =p
keep it up.
xxx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#9
wow an actual `song` gets posted!!!! im sick of reading crap poems in a `song` writing forum.

Very good mate, liked it alot, keep up the good work!!

Steve...
#10
To be totally honest, I don't really like it much. It sounds like a Green Day song, and that's not cool.
#11
Maybe old Greenday, but not new greenday. But it was hugely inspired by the Arctic Monkeys- and that's not Greenday.

And thanks to Steve, appreciate the praise.
#12
It's hard for me to take this seriously. This is basically just complaining without offering a solution. Whining which is further accentuated by the repeated line "I wanna cry." It may just be me, but that is a sure element that eradicates any link to punk, if I understand the genre correctly. I can't see how this can be an anthem, but nevertheless, you had decent rhyming here and there and the chorus... how can I put it nicely... blows. I understand it's your first piece, but that doesn't mean I have to sugarcoat anything.

If you would return the favor, I have a piece here titled "An Evening in Nagasaki" that I would like to be commented on.

!troy!


EDIT: Metaphors work wonders.
#13
Yes, I know the chorus isn't great, I had already admitted that, and no, you don't have to sugarcoat anything- just maybe something like stick to it, you'll get better, would have been nice, but, oh well.

And I also don't like the I wanna cry line- I just ran out of ideas. Any suggestions for an edit would be welcome.

Yes, I will crit back, but I don't see what value my opinion would hold to you after you've just said how bad a songwriter I am.

EDIT: And I also never said it was a punk song. It's not.
#14
Apologies for the rather harsh comment. I was heated from reading a certain post in a certain thread.

Don't stop writing. You have a pretty decent piece on your hands, however, it could do with much polishing. Employ devices such as imagery and metaphor in your future pieces. They are great tools in expressing a message or idea effectively, (if you would read "An Evening in Nagasaki, I believe you would see an example of strong imagery... not to be conceited or anything.) Also work on tone. Don't be afraid to omit lines that would change the tone of the piece, even if it's a line you may like.

Sorry again for my previous comment. Modding and Fathering are rather stressful and may sometimes leave me with a short fuse.

!troy!
#16
I thought this was both good and bad at the same time. It seems like a social commentary written by a hungover convict.

I don't mean that in a terrible way. What this seems to me is like a collection of some brash, and some intelligent ideas, but the style was what let you down.

As I think most have already said, the tone and language makes this piece too mocking to take seriously. A lot of folks on here write in a far more poetic manner, and I think you'd do well to do likewise if you're writing about this kind of subject.

Anyhow, some of the lines appear to be too long. They're the ones at the end of the chorus.

Overall, this made me smile, but not think. Please try something more subtle, 'cause I think you'd be good if you tried more seriously. Cheers mate.
#17
I get your point, CJW, but I am trying to write songs, not poems. I think there is a big difference between a song written for a band, to play, to go on albums etc. and a poem. For example, a commercially succesful song has to relate to everyday people, and therefore posh vocabulary and strong imagery are too much for the average man/woman. Song lyrics are about connecting emotionally to the listener, and to do this they must be able to understand what they are hearing.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for poems and the like, but I don't think you can discount someting like this just because others tend to wite more poetically- I'd rather be inividual than follow the trend.

I don't think a song needs overly powerful imagery and metephorical language- yes, it is a brilliant way to make a song seem deeper, and is a good skill to learn, but too much means it does become more a poem than a song. To say that I should just follow suit and write like others is not critiscm- it's a path to mediocrity.

There is no offence intended here, to any posters on this forum, and I thank you for the time you put aside to crit my work. I hope to post more on these forums, and would like to return with no friction with anyone.
#18
Haha. You claim that you don't want to go with the flow, yet you refuse to break the monotony.

There are such things as poetic lyrics. Just because it's imagistic and "higher level" than the average person doesn't mark it as unrelatable or unemotional. In fact, I believe it marks it as something worth sitting 3-5 minutes to listen to. It means that the artist took his time to express his feeling to his audience, instead of writing something down on a pizza box and recording it. That means more to me then all the singles on the radio that keep repeating the SAME things over and over in the SAME mediocre way.

Hell, look at Cradle of Filth. They're lyrics are very poetic, yet they have thousands of listeners...
#19
I like the political message, at least i think it's political, anyway it's a good song, i been working on some politcal stuff andnow that i'm not alone i might post one of them.
#20
It wasn't that bad. I haven't seen any songs like this on this forum, so that's a plus. Get rid of the crying shi t in the chorus though.
Quote by unplugtheradio
fuck sigs

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Damn you kbass, you're good.

#21
im not much for punk songs im more of a beatles meets led zeppelin sounding song but for ur first try u werent afraid 2 go the next level well done emo = fat
#23
Seeing as this has been bumped up from the second page- I had considered this to be long gone- I would like to take this opportunity to apologise for my rant. I went to far slagging off imagery and metephorical language- my main point was arguing against following others- there are many talented writers on here, and I would hate to hold any grudges with those fortunate enough to have the vocabulary to write such lyrics.

Once again I apologise.
#24
youve got alot of crites there man.
but ya, i didnt really expect this to be that good(looking at your join date) but it is really good, i like it, damn, good job man...
#26
Its not bad, it has a sort of "I don't give a damn" additude, which is prominent in the first verse/stanza. I like it, and don't worry, I suck at chorus's as well, it takes time, I'm better than when I started. Keep it up!