#1
A new tune for you. Crit for Crit.


The aging dirt has a mark against it
Our mother has seen many fall
The glory goes down with a strike
A shot to the heart of us all

The intrepid leader sits in a cave
Hiding his face from the light
While his youth cry?s tears of blood
As they march out to the fight

The drunken politician makes a callous foe
Pushing for a war that he doesn?t know
It?s easy to fight when you?re safe in your bed
No worries of getting shot with the lead

It?s easy to send off your little boy
Soon he will become a government toy
You will be proud of him when he kills a man
And only finds peace, with a gun in his hand

Our eldest mother has witnessed the pain
Of too many of her children lost in vain
So when the wind whips through the valley at night
Think of the soldiers who have died in fright

So now the callous foes go to sleep
They share a dream of a celebration
Their country has won the war they desired
But in a thousand years what will it matter?


Edited Version. Posted. Changed the Dr. Jan line in it.

Thanks!
Its how you look and how you feel
Last edited by Hauf at May 16, 2006,
#2
dr. jan?

that kind of ruined an otherwise well thought out song.
i shwung and i shwinged
but it never really shwang
#3
Dr. Jan is a reference to visiting a phycologist.
Its how you look and how you feel
#4
i realized that,
it just doesnt fit with the rest of it, and it makes the rhyme seem forced
i shwung and i shwinged
but it never really shwang
#5
Perhaps, I showed it to my english teacher and he pointed out that line as well. I will look it over a bit.
Its how you look and how you feel
#6
Yeah I agree, teh Dr. Jan does seemed forced but other then that It's pretty well written, Post the edited version of it and maybe some music to go with it and let us know, I'd like to check it out. You might really have something there
...:::The Master Chief :::...
#7
I kind of like this as a revised version of the Dr. Jan thing.

"It?s easy to send off your little boy
Soon he will become a government toy
You will be proud of him when he kills a man
And only finds peace, with a gun in his hand"
Its how you look and how you feel
#8
amazing, have you thought of changing died in fright to died tonight..............just a thought
When the power of love conquers the love of power, the world will know peice- hendrix
#9
Very powerful, the message and how everything flowed, it was liek nothing was forced. Cant wait to hear more!
Quote by rush4life
Pretty much all of Fox's buddies were a pain in the ass. Falco was such a dick.




Member #13 of the UG Pink Floyd fan club. PM TimiHendrex33 to join.
#11
Quote by Hauf
A new tune for you. Crit for Crit.


The aging dirt has a mark against it
Our mother has seen many fall
The glory goes down with a strike
A shot to the heart of us all

"against it" is superfluous imo. This is not a very luring introduction for me. No new ideas for a subject that is utterly overused.

The intrepid leader sits in a cave
Hiding his face from the light
While his youth cry?s tears of blood
As they march out to the fight

Sounds very sing-songy instead of the serious tone that polemics, I feel, should have. Tears of blood is an overused image/metaphor as well.

The drunken politician makes a callous foe
Pushing for a war that he doesn?t know
It?s easy to fight when you?re safe in your bed
No worries of getting shot with the lead

I think it would do much good to specify what this politician is drunken from to justify your accusation. Without that, it's a rather weak statement without any basis. You change your rhyme scheme here now, and I think that's an improvement on the tone imo.

It?s easy to send off your little boy
Soon he will become a government toy
You will be proud of him when he kills a man
And only finds peace, with a gun in his hand

Though it is overplayed, I would expand further with the "toy" metaphor as I think it would be a very strong idea and great image if you could pull it off. Otherwise, I am still having problems with the content of the song. Not very moving so far and common.

Our eldest mother has witnessed the pain
Of too many of her children lost in vain
So when the wind whips through the valley at night
Think of the soldiers who have died in fright

I feel that this should be inserted at the end of the piece. It would be a decent conclusion possibly should you incorporate parallelism, imo.

So now the callous foes go to sleep
They share a dream of a celebration
Their country has won the war they desired
But in a thousand years what will it matter?

This stanza is very tangled. There's conflict between which side/country is celebrating or retreating, etc. It's not very clear when I read it. I do like the closing inquiry, as it makes the listener/reader think about the piece, but with "punches" you decided to pull, I found this piece hardly affecting enough for me to actually ponder the thought.

Edited Version. Posted. Changed the Dr. Jan line in it.

Thanks!


If you would return the favor:https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=359838

your friendly S&L Mod,
!troy!
#12
Thanks for all your criticisms. I thought about what you said kunvulshuns. I'm not going to change anything I ahve written in it. After finsihing a peice I like to do very little or no revising to it, because I feel like when a work is finished then it should be left alone. (I will change things though that I feel are porrly written)

Thanks though for your Crit, I really looked it over and thought of what you said.

I will get to yours kunvulshuns when I get a chance. I have to run out for a little.


Thanks again!
Its how you look and how you feel
#13
Very well righten song
It reminds me of some neil young writings.

Don't change the song it is great know
#14
OK thank you, that's kind of a compliment in a way because Neil Young is my favorite musician, but it's kinda scary ebcause I don't want to be recognized as being just like Neil. People say my guitar playing is similar to him as well.

Lol, people say I play like Neil and sing like Dylan.
Its how you look and how you feel
#16
I agree with everything kunvulsions said pretty much but one line that standed out that i really wasnt much of a fan of was

So when the wind whips through the valley at night
Think of the soldiers who have died in fright


i think you should chagne that ot make it less of a stale rhyme. i did like the tonight idea earlier mentioned.


-Mike