#1
I have been out of the song writing loop for awhile so this is my return. If you critique me and give a link to a song of yours, I'll do you the same favor. It's been 3 years since Ive wrote a song, i need some assistance.
-Laura


Subtitles Required (When I'm Mute)

If only my inner thoughts
Played out like silent movies
That neither you or I could see
Then maybe I wouldn't find acceptance
At the bottom of an empty bottle
My lips pressed tight against the rim
I can feel the numb, it's sliding in
I can't process all this information
I'm much to complicated for me
Tell me does it hurt you?
When you hold my hair for me at night
I wouldn't be this way without you

Chorus:

Look me in the eyes when I'm mute
They'll talk to you when I can't find the breath to speak
It's not that I'm suffocating
It's just that I'm struggling
To vibrate and reciprocate
What I can't seem to say
Read beind the eyes
They'll tell you everything


I left my heart out on my sleeve
Sewn tight without the thread
And I'm standing on the edge
It's bigger than you
Stronger than me
One false wind and my certificate will read
"Suicidal Tendencies"
You'd have me commited to
If you saw the scars I bear
I wear them like war medals
You can count the fights I lost
Battling myself
You were to afarid to stop me

Chorus:

Look me in the eyes when I'm mute
They'll talk to you when I can't find the breath to speak
It's not that I'm suffocating
It's just that I'm struggling
To vibrate and reciprocate
What I can't seem to say
Read beind the eyes
They'll tell you everything


It's no surprise that I play outside at night
To avoid the acid stares
Of a demanding public who doesn't understand
What it's like to have an addictive personality
That's ok, I play it off as numb
Professionally
I would give my heart to silence
The demons in my head
So tell me do you want it?
If so, it's your's you need it more than me
Just give me a few weeks
A few pills
A few drinks
I think I'll Survive


Ok I took the advice and added a chorus. I'm kinda iffy on it so give me some feedback and let me know if you like it the original way (no chorus verses the same)
Last edited by chloroformkisme at May 26, 2006,
#2
Wow that was awesome, i can totally see what your getting at. I especially like 'one false wind & my certificate will read, "suicidal tendancies."' keep at it Laura, this is good stuff. Have you ever posted anything else in this section?
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Im saying this the straightest way possible, but...

I'd have sexual intercourse with your anus.
#3
I used to FOREVER ago...and i've have just been uber busy and bottling all this in so i decided it was time to start again, i feel like i'm just learning how to write again it's been so long! probably like 3 years since i've written a song.
#4
okkkkkkkkkkkkk.................
i think its ok. i dont so much like the ryhming scheme of it but there are a few class lyrics in there, and it doesnt look like youve had a three year break!!
left my heart out on my sleeve
Sewn tight without the thread
And I'm standing on the edge

that bit was my fave bit! 6andabit outta ten from me, almost seven.
Crit the song in my sig pleeeees?
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Meep is a word.
Use it.
#5
While I'm not too fond of the subject matter (I've never been a big fan of self pity songs) I think you presented it in a good light. I enjoyed reading it to tell you the truth. By the way what kind of music do you play? The lyrics presented here reminded me of a country song and I don't know why. Anyways, it's good to see you writng again after a 3 year hiatus.
#6
I liked this very, very much.
It's not what you usually see, honestly.
If you have things dealing with this subject matter they tend to be so...
How to say...
"Poorly constructed and annoying"? lol
However, your piece was excellent.
I don't think I can find anything to crit on this, and it is of your own emotions and thoughts-in my eyes a crit is not needed.
10/10, easily.
Keep it up!

-FinestImagery
#7
okie. Ive just come back to this peice.
Scrap what i said before...i actually really like this bit of work. The lyrics are ******* brilliant, very clever, and insightfull at parts.
It's no surprise that I play outside at night
To avoid the acid stares
Of a demanding public who doesn't understand

This bit is really well thought up and this is actually one of the best peices of work ive read here in a while.
I dont know what was wrong with me before (bad day probabaly)
I gave it a "almost 7 outta 10"
Id say it is closer to a 9!!!
Crit my new song please? tis in my sig. xx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#8
Its pretty cool, it doesn't seem to flow in any direction, it just kind of picks up and goes, I like it. The bit about the empty bottle is kind of cliche...but i won't hold it against you...you utilized the image well!
Genocidal club #3. i was promised respect....

Cuando moría; Vi todo cerca de mí, todo lejos de mí, y todo adentro de mí. El cielo fue abierto, y en oblivio, me olvidé.
#9
If only my inner thoughts
Played out like silent movies
That neither you or I could see
Then maybe I wouldn't find acceptance
At the bottom of an empty bottle
My lips pressed tight against the rim
I can feel the numb, it's sliding in
I can't process all this information
I'm much to complicated for me
Tell me does it hurt you?
When you hold my hair for me at night
I wouldn't be this way without you

Fifth line reminds me to much of smile empty soul. Like the rest though. Pretty solid.

I left my heart out on my sleeve
Sewn tight without the thread
And I'm standing on the edge
It's bigger than you
Stronger than me
One false wind and my certificate will read
"Suicidal Tendencies"
You'd have me commited to
If you saw the scars I bear
I wear them like war medals
You can count the fights I lost
Battling myself
You were to afarid to stop me

This is awesome. It flows very well, and has some creative lines.

It's no surprise that I play outside at night
To avoid the acid stares
Of a demanding public who doesn't understand
What it's like to have an addictive personality
That's ok, I play it off as numb
Professionally
I would give my heart to silence
The demons in my head
So tell me do you want it?
If so, it's your's you need it more than me
Just give me a few weeks
A few pills
A few drinks
I think I'll Survive

Nice. Some good lines in here, but I think the end needs a little more closure. It kind of ends abruptly.

Overall, pretty good. A lot of good lines, just needs closure. 8/10
#10
I'm also not a big fan of the whole self-pity song thing, but you pulled it off very nicely. Maybe it's not your style, but personally I would round the song out with a near-clean, reverb-laden, real emotional solo.

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=364220, if you wanna crit mine.
You know the bitter comes out better on a stolen guitar
You're the BLESSED, we're the Spiders from Mars!

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#11

If only my inner thoughts
Played out like silent movies
That neither you or I could see
Then maybe I wouldn't find acceptance
At the bottom of an empty bottle
My lips pressed tight against the rim
I can feel the numb, it's sliding in
I can't process all this information
I'm much to complicated for me
Tell me does it hurt you?
When you hold my hair for me at night
I wouldn't be this way without you

I really liek those first two lines about the silent movies; that is a really incredibly strong image there, infact, I'll even use the word powerful. Hell, I love it. It's so simple that one can immediately understand your point but described so elegantly and so contemporaryily that it's not just some simple throwaway metaphor.
Sorry, I tend to ramble on for ages
Anyway...
when you say "i can feel the numb" something there doens't sound right to me. I mean, "the numb" is not a noun, "numb" is an adjective rather than a thing. If you're looking for the noun you want "numbness", otherwise I'd suggest changing this bit to "I can feel so numb" or something.
I freaking love the "does it hurt you/when you hold my hair for me at night" that's again a very powerful motion. To hold ones hair... very interesting... I don't think I've ever heard that before, which is partly why I love it so much. it's so differnet, unusual. Sounds great! It also symbolises the bonds with these other character you're mentioning here, almsot as if you'd need her to hold your hair, well that's portraying a pretty powerful and important message IMO.

I left my heart out on my sleeve
Sewn tight without the thread
And I'm standing on the edge
It's bigger than you
Stronger than me
One false wind and my certificate will read
"Suicidal Tendencies"
You'd have me commited to
If you saw the scars I bear
I wear them like war medals
You can count the fights I lost
Battling myself
You were to afarid to stop me

Hmm well now here "heart on my sleeve" is a tad cliched IMO, which kinda juxtapositions the previous line of the last stanza. It still works though, cos you go on to use and describe it, not jsut some ****ty mention of how it's there, if you get whadda mean?
I don't really have much esle to say about this. It's pretty colid, and I dunno anything to suggest about it

It's no surprise that I play outside at night
To avoid the acid stares
Of a demanding public who doesn't understand
What it's like to have an addictive personality
That's ok, I play it off as numb
Professionally
I would give my heart to silence
The demons in my head
So tell me do you want it?
If so, it's your's you need it more than me
Just give me a few weeks
A few pills
A few drinks
I think I'll Survive

This is perfect. I absolutely love it. Nothing to comment on, suggest, or even dislike about it. I really do think this sounds awesome.

Great piece overall man, I very much enjoyed reading it =]
keep it up!
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#12
Very cool. It fits my style, and I'll give this my first 10/10 ever!
When I heard smoking would kill me, I bought shares in Dunhill and Marlboro - Thomas Geraghty

If we don't change it, nothing will fucking change.
#13
Those are 3 very well written verses. but you should write a chorus to go along with it.
something short, because the verses are long.
maybe something involving the title?
#15
I am one for catchy pop lyrics so excuse my opinion if you will. I found it a little complex. It's good and all, but the rhyming is what gets me. Maybe if you thought of things in simplier terms when it comes to the chorus. I've noticed in writing that there needs to be a balance of confusion and understanding, especially when it comes to the lyrics. Like if I was going to make a terribly difficult verse (never have) I would try and add a catchy chorus and vice versa. Of course, that is just my opinion. Your stuff is really good though. I liked your ideas and you are a very good writer. Keep pumpin them out would ya.
#16
another amazing song.
If only my inner thoughts
Played out like silent movies
That neither you or I could see
Then maybe I wouldn't find acceptance
At the bottom of an empty bottle
My lips pressed tight against the rim
I can feel the numb, it's sliding in

that had to be my favourite part along with:
One false wind and my certificate will read
"Suicidal Tendencies"
You'd have me commited to
If you saw the scars I bear
I wear them like war medals
You can count the fights I lost
Battling myself
You were to afarid to stop me

you are a great songwriter, and im really digging your stuff. keep it up
#17
o, yeah, advice on the chorus. i can't really say either way bcause its your song, but i didnt quite understand the "read behind the eyes" buts thats just me