#1
with the sun (or in today's case
the lack thereof)
you put your face on
ride the school bus
and push your formulated
opinions onto an unending mass of anyone

at 2 pm when my day begins
I put my purchased eyes in
(better than 20/20 vision)
survey your skin
ignore the blemishes
think then know
I will never again be
one with your body
that's my belief
furthermore, I don't feel the need.

yer eyes are blue blue blue
what else is new?

I play a game of Guess Which Tooth is Fake
see the outline of your "invisible" braces


you have figured out the rest of your life
but not how to perturb your dormat insides
you are not bored with me
apathy is the boredom of all feeling.
you care about me cheifly
because you tell yourself so
but love is not something you're supposed to know
so
just go

what would you like me to say
that for these last few weeks, each day has been
slowly peeling off the band-aid?
what would I stand to gain?

oh mother nature (or whomever controls the weather)
what is your logic of having the sun come out at this moment?

I am most upset, for all my held breath,
I have no words for you left.
this isn't the end, that already happened.
I have been in preperation.

nothing's sunken in yet,
or it has and resurfaced

this conversation
has trouble holding my attention:

I study my shoes, kill the engine, think of switching subjects
(you ever read The Stranger?
I bet Meursault [the main character]
felt some sense of relief
when they finally led him from his cell
to the guillotine)
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#2
How did that song go from here:

"at 2 pm when my day begins
I put my purchased eyes in
(better than 20/20 vision)
survey your skin
ignore the blemishes
think then know
I will never again be
one with your body
that's my belief
furthermore, I don't feel the need."

(a very happy, carefree sounding song)

To here:

"I study my shoes, kill the engine, think of switching subjects
(you ever read The Stranger?
I bet Meursault [the main character]
felt some sense of relief
when they finally led him from his cell
to the guillotine)"

(Very sad part)

It doesn't seem to flow very well and it sort of jumps all over the place.

5/10
#3
I think it's a bit scattered, but with a clean up, you could fix it up so that it fits a little better.Maybe it personifies your mind, a little scattered?
#5
I kinda like it actually, for the reason that others criticized it. There's method to the madness, i guess i'd have to say. I mean, its seemingly random and patched up, and it doesn't flow that well, but it flows nonetheless. Still, i liked it. I liked the contrast between the beginning and end. Unfortunately, i honestly couldnt catch the theme of the poem. I thought i had something from the first 2 verses, but you lost me with the later verses.

Would you take the time to crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=360955
#6
Quote by howcoolisthat?
How did that song go from here:
(a very happy, carefree sounding song)

To here:
(Very sad part)

the same way the conversation went
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#7
I?ve never been a fan of your work to be honest, although I do appreciate the fact that you express yourself in such a lucid and natural manner. Strangely enough though, in this case at least, the lack of apparent artistry benefits you greatly, more so than before. For this piece is not merely a reflection of life as such; it?s a distinctly honest recollection of life, and that in itself shows both ingenuity and courage.

So enjoy yourself my man, and continue to write, although if possible, it would be healthy if you considered stylistic variation at some point, in order to maintain your wits.

Thank you, and good luck.
Incisive inklings of proper piss are unsuited for the quill…
#8
I am 100% with you on everything you just said. I know how I'm going to change my style but it's difficult to come out of such a easy/lazy style of writing. I'd like to keep a good deal of my simplistic elements but I really should get back to a higher standard of writing like I used to, or, if not like that, then at least something different from both. I've been writing this way for too long now. Thanks a lot man.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in