#1
Rought draft of some lyrics thown together comment and help me improve my writting........

Waves rising and crashing
overthese white steep hills
where nothing can be found but us
and your warmth beside me

money is cold but your soul is real
here now for me to feel
until you leave for those eyes
piercing brown eyes
but the river of dought flows to high

so let the water wash away
the anxiety all stress
but your warmthy is left
and here comes dawn
#2
before I begin, I dont want to seem cruel, and I'm not going to say anything that bad, I'm just going to say what I though and I dont want you to think I'm being a jerk.

I personally liked it, even though it was very cliched. they may not be obvious, but they are in there and some of the ideas are very common but its still a great piece. I like the idea of being on a shore with someone, it seems like a very specific idea, and if you build on it, it will flourish. 7.5/10
#3
liiiiike it. Im not sure how to help you here because i think it is already very good.
I think it need s more work on the structure of it, as there seems to be a lack of it. Its not clear where the song is going, or if its leading up to anything, etc.
HOWEVER.
very good pretty words, you managed to carry off that theme without being cheesy! its a 7/10 from me to mate.
Keep it up, and thanx for the crit on mine.
xxx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#4
yeah its quite good, feels kinda sparse in a good poetic kinda way, as the others said its a little cliché, but its still got nice imagery
#5
I can't imagine how this would fit in a song...the rhyming seems a bit random. Also, was eyes/eyes rhyme intentional? Godd ideas, I never really felt the flow though. Sounds quite poetic.
<my tongue's the only muscle on my body that works harder than my heart>
#6
Quote by OsideKid

Waves rising and crashing
overthese white steep hills
where nothing can be found but us
and your warmth beside me
Nice beggining. Like the imagery

money is cold but your soul is real
here now for me to feel
until you leave for those eyes
piercing brown eyes
but the river of dought flows to high
Its ok, work on the phrasing a bit

so let the water wash away
the anxiety all stress
but your warmthy is left
and here comes dawn
Nice little ending to a good piece


Liked it, having a bit of trouble picturing the music behind it though...