#1
The glow of this screen as kept me here for oh so long
But I a, still unwilling to move
The familiarity as kept me paralyzed under these sheets

The film that aluminates this room as kept
These conversations lines fresh
With in the confines of the walls

Can these screens make a contact between us?
Making an invisible bond that will hold us
Will our thoughts cross?
These beds may be are own but
We shouldn?t let them separate

May this white noise sing us to sleep
This light we hope will keep us safe
Until we will can find sanctity
#2
used to
<my tongue's the only muscle on my body that works harder than my heart>
#5
I liked it...

I didnt really understand the "But I a, " part

But, I liked it alltogether...

Good word choices.

And, I think it is "used to"

#6
ok, heres some real crit... i didnt get some parts of this, but youve got that nack when it comes to detailed words that can set an image... you just need to make the image in my head a little clearer... good stuff al round... i'll look for anymore songs you put on here if you do... alrite, well keep it up i do like this though
Quote by Lord_Of_Dance.

I never understood why a girl would take a boner as a bad thing "Oh no, your attracted to me, you sick wanker." :\ x


Quote by Nelsean
Im saying this the straightest way possible, but...

I'd have sexual intercourse with your anus.
#8
pretty cool...it seems kinda short though.but it works .pretty good idea of basic structure.keep it up!
your once gentle words are bleeding from my eyes ,screams of terror now fill my every breath...
#9
no i am pretty sure it's use to


Nah, I'm not.

Unless it's some pun intertwined in there, which I doubt.
#10
either I'm really missing something, or your grammer is exactly the same as my 8 yr old brother. Not saying that you haven't got some great new style going on, but it is coming across very badly. And the lame part, there is some really great material in it:

The glow of this screen as kept me here for oh so long
But I a, still unwilling to move
The familiarity as kept me paralyzed under these sheets

--I ACTUALLY LIKE THE "AS KEPT" PART, AND LIKE IT EVEN MORE IN THE NEXT STANZA. HOWEVER, IT MIGHT BE THAT YOU HAD THIS GREAT IDEA IN YOUR HEAD THAT YOU JUST DIDN'T TRANSLATE WELL TO THE PAPER. IF LEFT THE WAY IT IS THOUGH, IT JUST DOESN'T MAKE GRAMATICAL SENSE. I THINK WHAT YOU NEED TO FINE TUNE IS WHAT TENSE YOU WANT TO BE IN, AND STAY THERE, UNLESS YOU MAKE THE TRANSITION THROUGHT THE CHORUS, BRIDGE ETC. HERE'S MY SUGGESTION:

THE GLOW OF THE SCREENS AS KEPT
PARALIZES ME HERE FOR OH SO LONG
BUT AS I AM STILL UNWILLING TO MOVE
FAMILIARITY KEEPS ME BENEETH THESE SHEETS

The film that aluminates this room as kept
These conversations lines fresh
With in the confines of the walls

--AND ON TO THE NEXT VERSE:

THE FILE THAT ALUMINATES A ROOM AS KEPT
KEEPS CONVERSATIONS FRESHLY STILL
WITHIN THE CONFINES OF THESE WALLS

Can these screens make a contact between us?
Making an invisible bond that will hold us
Will our thoughts cross?
These beds may be are own but
We shouldn?t let them separate

--NOT GOING TO GO ON, BECAUSE THAT'S NOT COOL TO TELL YOU WHAT TO WRITE. HOWEVER, I DO HOPE THAT YOU CAN KINDA SEE WHAT I'VE DONE. I THINK YOU JUST NEED TO CONECT THE THOUGHTS JUST A BIT MORE, AND WORK ON STRENGTHENING THE TRANSITIONS FROM ONE THOUGHT TO THE NEXT. BUT I SEE PRETTY GOOD GROWTH IN THESE LAST TWO STANZAS.

May this white noise sing us to sleep
This light we hope will keep us safe
Until we will can find sanctity

--FAIRLY CLICHE ENDING, BUT IT COULD WORK I SUPPOSE. I DON'T THINK IT MATCHES UP TO THE MEAT OF THE REST OF THE PEACE, BUT AS LEFT, I THINK IT MAKES A COMMON ENDING OR A RATHER INTERESTING PEACE.

Anyhow, like I said. I like this peice because it's a little different than most. Whether it be for grammer or whatever, this peice made me want to crit, which will always be a good thing. Best of luck with the final peice.
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5
#13
Try proofreading your own stuff before you post it publically.

Not only can you get more of a feel for the overall song as you do more and more drafts and get a specific message in mind, but you also avoid strange typos, grammatical and syntaxical mistakes, and wierd rhythmic changes.

Like uh,

"as kept" -- I'm pretty sure you mean "has kept"
"use to" -- it is "used to"

As general advice I like to tell people to "K.I.S.S. - Keep It Simple, Stupid" when they're writing songs - especially when they just start. Do what works, don't mess around with wierd rhyme schemes and stuff, because I can't even follow where your song rhymes or hits a verse or prechorus or whatever. Structure is sanity, what you have just feels like it's an unorganized mess that I don't even feel like diving into.
#14
to start i have been writing for 2 years

and this isn't suppose to be a song there isn't a rhyme scheme there are no verse or chorus
#15
That means you can't accept my criticism?

I never implied that you had just started, I just said it's good general advice, especially for newbies.

And if it's not a song, then what is it?
#17
I like the fact that you don't bother with forced rhyming, or really, any rhyming at all. It's more accepted with poetry, so as far as rhymes go, you're doing good. Like someone has already stated, I think you should proofread your stuff a little before you post it, so we can give you a better crit.
The overall theme is great. I love how you express the idea, and the idea itself. For now, I'll give it a 7.5/10. But you can definately improve it to at least a 9.

I'd appreciate it very much if you could crit my song, "stop me". thanks