#1
Well, if we sense a bit of degradation in my writing is this piece it is not so. While my last was the first for the site, it most certainly was not my first song. This song was written about a year ago and was my first song ever. As I begin to write new material which I am currently very excited about I will get all this old stuff out of the way, which I found in a folder labeled "Falls that Kill You Sessions". There is alot of stuff in it, most of it is generally bad I'd say but possess some redeeming qualities I may salvage at a later date. So until I say so all material coming from me will be from about a year ago, while I was pining over a particular relationship, and making myself miserable. I'd say it is mostly depressing and I don't like it.

Without further ado, My first song ever, it was apparently written for dual vocalists and therefore written in a very obnoxious way, I have changed nothing:

Jump The Gun
-------------------------------
The best way to escape
never be caught in the first place

My own destruction
Your lust is my love
My biggest fault
I think it's all yours

The tips of her breasts
barely touching my coat
burning in like acid
Closing my throat
Is this pain an addiction (Soon it would be too late)
Cause I don't want it to go away (I wanted it to be too late)
When your done the biggest question (Soon it would be too late)
will be how to dispose of my body (I wanted it to be too late)

My own destruction
Your lust is my love
My biggest fault
I think it's all yours

The Fallacy in this Facade
Is that you can't decide
If you throw it from the bridge
does it wash up with the tide?
with the weight of my conscience (Soon it would be too late)
I'll sink into the sea (I wanted it to be too late)
I'll live here beside your sin (Soon it would be too late)
This is where I want to be (I wanted it to be too late)

It's too late!
(The best way to escape)
I wanted it this way
(never be caught in the first place)
It's too late!
-------------------------------------------------
*shutters* ugh I really don't like my old stuff. It's very juvinille. Especially hate the 'where you want to be' part. But hey can I salvage anything here?

crit for crit as usual.
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
Last edited by Knife2aGunFight at May 17, 2006,
#3
Quote by Knife2aGunFight
Well, if we sense a bit of degradation in my writing is this piece it is not so. While my last was the first for the site, it most certainly was not my first song. This song was written about a year ago and was my first song ever. As I begin to write new material which I am currently very excited about I will get all this old stuff out of the way, which I found in a folder labeled "Falls that Kill You Sessions". There is alot of stuff in it, most of it is generally bad I'd say but possess some redeeming qualities I may salvage at a later date. So until I say so all material coming from me will be from about a year ago, while I was pining over a particular relationship, and making myself miserable. I'd say it is mostly depressing and I don't like it.

Without further ado, My first song ever, it was apparently written for dual vocalists and therefore written in a very obnoxious way, I have changed nothing:

Jump The Gun
-------------------------------
The best way to escape
never be caught in the first place

I like this part I think it's kind of a funny paradox if you'll call it that.

My own destruction
Your lust is my love
My biggest fault
I think it's all yours

This is kind of confusing to me, I read it three times and I still don't fully get what you're poking at. I get the general idea but not enough to fully understand, it's kind of choppy.

The tips of her breasts
barely touching my coat
burning in like acid
Closing my throat
Is this pain an addiction (Soon it would be too late)
Cause I don't want it to go away (I wanted it to be too late)
When your done the biggest question (Soon it would be too late)
will be how to dispose of my body (I wanted it to be too late)

The first four lines are alright, I think it's original in a sense but still kind of confusing.

My own destruction
Your lust is my love
My biggest fault
I think it's all yours

Same as above

The Fallacy in this Facade
Is that you can't decide
If you throw it from the bridge
does it wash up with the tide?
with the weight of my conscience (Soon it would be too late)
I'll sink into the sea (I wanted it to be too late)
I'll live here beside your sin (Soon it would be too late)
This is where I want to be (I wanted it to be too late)

I liked this verse, it all flowed well and I like the imagery in it. Probably your best written part of this work

It's too late!
(The best way to escape)
I wanted it this way
(never be caught in the first place)
It's too late!

I don't like the "It's too late" parts, kind of annoying and seems in the way.
-------------------------------------------------
*shutters* ugh I really don't like my old stuff. It's very juvinille. Especially hate the 'where you want to be' part. But hey can I salvage anything here?

crit for crit as usual.



Overall, 7/10 good start but needs some work.
Its how you look and how you feel
#4
Quote by Knife2aGunFight

The best way to escape
never be caught in the first place
Interesting way to put it, I am assuming one person sings the first line then the second sings the second?

My own destruction
Your lust is my love
My biggest fault
I think it's all yours
Huh? I don't know if it just doesn't make sense or its the fact that I am tired...

The tips of her breasts
barely touching my coat
burning in like acid
Closing my throat
Is this pain an addiction (Soon it would be too late)
Cause I don't want it to go away (I wanted it to be too late)
When your done the biggest question (Soon it would be too late)
will be how to dispose of my body (I wanted it to be too late)
I like how it flows and everything. Not so sure about the parts in parenthesis...

My own destruction
Your lust is my love
My biggest fault
I think it's all yours
Once again... huh?

The Fallacy in this Facade
Is that you can't decide
If you throw it from the bridge
does it wash up with the tide?
with the weight of my conscience (Soon it would be too late)
I'll sink into the sea (I wanted it to be too late)
I'll live here beside your sin (Soon it would be too late)
This is where I want to be (I wanted it to be too late)
Nice rhyme and flow. I really like this part!

It's too late!
(The best way to escape)
I wanted it this way
(never be caught in the first place)
It's too late!
That whole parenthesis part is getting really annoying... I would say just drop it out...


7.5/10 Not bad for your first. Crit mine if possible... https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=361247
#5
Obviously juvenile in a humorous sort of way, yet alright for your first song. I like the opening to songs its quite a paradox, that adds to the juvenility of this song. The next four lines are terrible in my opinion. It seems to get way off topic and there is no real potential in these lines. Interesting next few lines, I must say. Its original and creative in a hilarious way. The next verse has some quite intriguing imagery and is most likely the best part in your whole peice. I like the bridge as well, it seems to be one of your better parts in this song. Overall, juvenile as you have implied, yet it seems like quite a melancholy peice. The song overall is around a 7/10. Good work.
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
#6
For those of you not understanding the chorus: it is also a sort of pun. It goes withthe double meaning of fault. the first My biggest fault would be the biggest problem I have and the next says that the biggest problem I have is that I think it is all her fault, as in she is to blame. UNderstand? well yes it is silly. Two meanings of fault.
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#8
Wow... softcore porn!!!! just kidding. i read the first couple of lines and thought that was what it was gonna be about. But.... you did well. it gives me that lusty, gritty feeling. Like reading a graphic romance novel. Wonderful...
#9
yeah...uhhh I'm glad you liked it, the whole breasts thing was a metaphor for how I felt but yeah whatever......thanks for the crits everyone, leave a link people.
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#10
I'm going to be totally honest. I always am.

I didn't especially like it, but good first song. I don't like the breast part though. That doesn't really have anything to do with the song.

"When your biggest question will be how to dispose of my body?"

Is your girlfriend a serial killer? I understand that you probably didn't mean that litterally, but I don't think it fits the song very well.

My favorite part would have to be the chorus thingy, not because of the lyrics, but because it seems like it would be sung well.. If you know what I mean.. I don't know, some words just fit well together even though they rhyme.

Over all, 6 outta 10, but I give it a 8 outta 10 as far as first songs go.
#11
yeah thanks for being honest. This song does lack cohesiveness like really badly, I not absolutlely sure where some of the wordds come from but yeah it is all a metaphor whith her killing me and all of course. To sort of describe how she was trying to keep the relationship quiet. but that's sort of beside the point I was expecting people to want me to get rid of whole sections and just salvage a few lines anyway, I hate this crap.
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#12
I like the first 2 ;lines makes you want to read on.


My own destruction
Your lust is my love
My biggest fault
I think it's all yours


Like others have said this is a bit awkward,

my own destruction
from your lust in my love
my biggest fault
you only you

just an idea or example to show that you need to change it around a little bit, add a few suitable words.


The rest is fine mate, nice diction for the subject and a nice flow. Maybe drop the bracketed parts cause if anything they put off thye flow and I don't think they are that necessary.

nice work
All the best Knife2gunfight
#14
When I read it, I thought, "Hmm, it seems a bit... inexperienced," and then I saw underneath, it was one of your old pieces (I didn't bother reading the top bit), so that sorted that out. Anyway, apart from the first two lines (which for some reason, I wasn't too keen on), it's pretty good, I really like the bracket bits, and can imagine sung. Good ****.
Quote by Mascot
yuR a fAggit
#15
My own destruction
Your lust is my love
My biggest fault
I think it's all yours


To everyone who knocked this verse for not maling sense I have to ask: did you read it? I mean sure its kinda clumsy (but not exceptionally) but it makes perfect sense.
#16
uh, to you, did you read that the threadstarter is banned? hmm, I guess now. O, how bout did you read that this thread is 4 months old, didja read that? hmm, i guess thats a no too...

well how did you even find this thread? Unless you're a multi I see no other reason for checkin this out... let alone defending it!