#1
I posted this a while ago and got very very little response. So I will try my luck again. Hopefully someone will give me some criticism.

Crit for Crit.



Thinking back through your past you see the sin
Stepping back to see the mirror as the lonesome kin
Sleeping in a home of loss and prayer
Living in your mind, lost to despair
Blow out another match, this day is through
Time has placed a grip on to you

The empty handed orphan unlocks his chest
Placing in it his dreams he lays to rest
All the children stare out the door
Trying to shelter the pain they endure
The harp sounds, the visions are all true
The grains of time have placed a halt on you

Growing older is the least of fears
It hides a sacred place to shed your tears
It?s a matter of time before you gain relief
Taking with you a sense of self belief
Just keep looking for your door
A passage to the palace of your core

The aging orphan checks his chest
Looking for a deposit to invest
Chasing dreams deep into the night
Lighting a fire and starting a new light
It's time to go off and explore,
Gather your hopes and dreams from the floor
Its how you look and how you feel
#2
Thinking back through your past you see the sin
Stepping back to see the mirror as the lonesome kin
Sleeping in a home of loss and prayer
Living in your mind, lost to despair
Blow out another match, this day is through
Time has placed a grip on to you

very basic start. I did not like 'lonesome kin' or the Time line as they both seemed to interupt the flow

The empty handed orphan unlocks his chest
Placing in it his dreams he lays to rest
All the children stare out the door
Trying to shelter the pain they endure
The harp sounds, the visions are all true
The grains of time have placed a halt on you

Much bette than the last, I see you are making a theme on the Time stopping you lines but I still don't like them. Imagery could use to be strangthened, elaborate on the harp and visons I think would be cool

Growing older is the least of fears
It hides a sacred place to shed your tears
It?s a matter of time before you gain relief
Taking with you a sense of self belief
Just keep looking for your door
A passage to the palace of your core

I think pretentious a bit. Don't like Palace line, it is very cheesy or really self belief line

The aging orphan checks his chest
Looking for a deposit to invest
Chasing dreams deep into the night
Lighting a fire and starting a new light
It's time to go off and explore,
Gather your hopes and dreams from the floor

I don't think you elaborate and use the orphan as a metaphor very effectively in this piece. "deposit to invest' line is awkward

Overall to be honest I found it pretty mundane. But it can be safe to say that everything I did not critisize is good enought and fine as is. Try to elaborate on the orphan idea, throw in some better imagery to boot. Check out my work, it is a very old song of mine I happen to hate: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=361357
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#3
Thanks for the crit I'm checking yours now. I don't think you read into the song enough. But maybe I am wrong. Thanks again I will leave your crit as soon as I read your song.
Its how you look and how you feel
#4
Quote by Hauf
I posted this a while ago and got very very little response. So I will try my luck again. Hopefully someone will give me some criticism.

Crit for Crit.



Thinking back through your past you see the sin
Stepping back to see the mirror as the lonesome kin
Sleeping in a home of loss and prayer
Living in your mind, lost to despair
Blow out another match, this day is through
Time has placed a grip on to you

not bad very interesting start and in fact i kind of do like the lonesome kin flows well and isnt forced.anyways i shall read on

The empty handed orphan unlocks his chest
Placing in it his dreams he lays to rest
All the children stare out the door
Trying to shelter the pain they endure
The harp sounds, the visions are all true
The grains of time have placed a halt on you

i dont like ending this stanza with basically the same thing as the first. and i dont like the first lind much at all.

Growing older is the least of fears
It hides a sacred place to shed your tears
It?s a matter of time before you gain relief
Taking with you a sense of self belief
Just keep looking for your door
A passage to the palace of your core

I think your writing to rhyme more then writing to continue your story, though there definately not tired rhymes, and the peice flows well

The aging orphan checks his chest
Looking for a deposit to invest
Chasing dreams deep into the night
Lighting a fire and starting a new light
It's time to go off and explore,
Gather your hopes and dreams from the floor


i dont like the very last line but other then that the last stanza is good. Pretty good piece and i enjoyed. 7/10 because it seemed like you just repeated the same thing four times, but it wasnt stale which is suprising. So ... nice

-Mike
#5
I've never really critiqued a song before but i thought that it was really really good although i didnt really like how everyline ryhmed at the end.
but other than that is was sweet, while reading there was like a movie going up in my head it was cool
#6
Well thank you, makeshift I appreciate that. If you want you can check out my other one as well. It's called "war on Politics"
Its how you look and how you feel
Last edited by Hauf at May 18, 2006,
#7
Overall I liked it. There seems to be a theme of time having a hold over the orphan. I especially liked this line: Time has placed a grip on to you. This line created a cool visual and continuation of the story: The empty handed orphan unlocks his chest Placing in it his dreams he lays to rest

It was cool and would have liked to have read more of the story, but towards the end it kinda went into something else. I don't know if your intent was to tell a story, but good job.
#8
So flipper, are you saying you disliked the ending or liked it? Thank you for your comment
Its how you look and how you feel
#9
i thought this piece was radical i wouldnt change anything
and i was wondering if you could crit my piece forever night stand thanks dude
#10
I will do that manth, if you leave me a crit where it breaks it down and talks about each stanza I will do the same for you.
Its how you look and how you feel
#11
The empty handed orphan unlocks his chest
Placing in it his dreams he lays to rest
All the children stare out the door
Trying to shelter the pain they endure
The harp sounds, the visions are all true
The grains of time have placed a halt on you


dude thats my favorite verse i like the way you ended the last one to i like the meaning basically
#13
i reallly liked it but i just felt that tsome of the rhyming was a little forced, like the lonesome kin line.

Growing older is the least of fears
It hides a sacred place to shed your tears
It?s a matter of time before you gain relief
Taking with you a sense of self belief
Just keep looking for your door
A passage to the palace of your core

i think this is really good just change the word palace. overall i say 8/10 it was pretty good.. could you crit mine, highschool heartbreak or untitled, thanks