#1
This is a work in progress. I'm really interested to hear what you all think. After reading all of the other threads and posts, you seem like an interesting group here. Anyway here goes:


Screaming in the darkness
At things beyond my faith
Motionless
Lying wide awake, and I can't do a thing

About this

Emotional storm that haunts my mind
My physical form is no longer mine
Being taken over by a force unknown
My words my thoughts no longer my own

Lying, shaking, thoughtless
Imprisoned by this place
Gnosis
Freedom cries my brain, but I can't do a thing

About this

Emotional storm that haunts my mind
My physical form is no longer mine
Being taken over by a force unknown
My words my thoughts no longer......

.....................my own
#3
Hm, no, I like the length... of course, coming from a punk listener...

But this kinda reminds me of pre-Vheissu Thrice... which to me is a very good thing. One question: Wtf is Gnosis?

[IN PHIL WE TRUST]


Quote by Trowzaa
I only play bots. Bots never abandon me. (´・ω・`)

#5
I think Gnosis is suposed to be genosis. maybe? am i right?
Whatever it is you do, DO NOT CLICK HERE! ! it will bring the end of the world upon us all!!!! I swear you click it, and you will end o.O
____________________________________________
#6
Quote by RuleBreaker
I think Gnosis is suposed to be genosis. maybe? am i right?

I was kinda hoping for that at first, then I realized that I don't know what genosis is either, except the planet in Star Wars... then I realized that's not right either and I'm still just as confused.

[IN PHIL WE TRUST]


Quote by Trowzaa
I only play bots. Bots never abandon me. (´・ω・`)

#7
OK, I've got it... Gnosis is a "higher state of being or enlightenment" involving the soul, it's involved in Gnosticism, and it's very confusing.

So, in this song, the guy reaches a higher state of being, and then it pisses him off. It's not meant to be, but that explanation makes it funny to me... and then he's stuck in gnosis, so it's like a coma?

What is this metaphoring to?

[IN PHIL WE TRUST]


Quote by Trowzaa
I only play bots. Bots never abandon me. (´・ω・`)

#8
Thanks guys. I agree it does need to be a little longer. I'll post up a lengthier version a little later. Gnosis is like a knowledge of spiritual stuff, like knowing something is there but not actually seeing it.
#9
Quote by flippertron5k
Thanks guys. I agree it does need to be a little longer. I'll post up a lengthier version a little later. Gnosis is like a knowledge of spiritual stuff, like knowing something is there but not actually seeing it.

Wow, my explanation sucked compared to this...

[IN PHIL WE TRUST]


Quote by Trowzaa
I only play bots. Bots never abandon me. (´・ω・`)

#10
Quote by flippertron5k
This is a work in progress. I'm really interested to hear what you all think. After reading all of the other threads and posts, you seem like an interesting group here. Anyway here goes:


Screaming in the darkness
At things beyond my faith
Motionless
Lying wide awake, and I can't do a thing

I like this, except for the third line, it kind of interupts hte flow.

About this

Emotional storm that haunts my mind
My physical form is no longer mine
Being taken over by a force unknown
My words my thoughts no longer my own

I really like this verse, very creative and interesting

Lying, shaking, thoughtless
Imprisoned by this place
Gnosis
Freedom cries my brain, but I can't do a thing

Not as good as the previous verse, I dont like the Freedom cries my brain part, it's kinda an awkward read.

About this

Emotional storm that haunts my mind
My physical form is no longer mine
Being taken over by a force unknown
My words my thoughts no longer......

.....................my own

Once, again I like it. The pause at the end may be good or amy be bad, I'd have to hear it with the music.



Over all I liked it, I thought it was clever and a nice read. I think it could use a little bit of a touch up though. Can you crit one of my two? OR both if you want.

Dream Chaser:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=361379

War on Politics:
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=360939
Its how you look and how you feel
#11
Okay. I took your crits and made some changes. Here is the longer version. Now I'm off to crit.

Screaming in the darkness
At things beyond my faith
Motionless
Lying wide awake, and I can't do a thing

About this

Emotional storm that haunts my mind
My physical form is no longer mine
Being taken over by a force unknown
My words my thoughts no longer my own

Feeling like I've lost this
Coerced into this fate
Hopeless
Struggling is vain, and I can't do a thing

About this

Emotional storm that haunts my mind
My physical form is no longer mine
Being taken over by a force unknown
My words my thoughts no longer my own

Shaken, lying thoughtless
Imprisoned by this place
Gnosis
Falling deeper, darker, and I can't do a thing

About this

Emotional storm that haunts my mind
My physical form is no longer mine
Being taken over by a force unknown
My words my thoughts no longer........................

........................... my own
#13
I see this as kind of a progressive punk still. The new verse is cool, keep it.

Edit: The "Gnosis" verse should be replaced by this new one, I think. (How do you pronounce Gnosis anyway?) As for a name... which I think is why this thread came about in the first place... I got nothing for you there.

[IN PHIL WE TRUST]


Quote by Trowzaa
I only play bots. Bots never abandon me. (´・ω・`)

Last edited by SteveHouse at May 18, 2006,
#14
So you think I should swap the "gnosis" verse with the "hopeless" verse? Gnosis is pronounced "No-sis"
#15
No-sis is kinda what I was thinking but I wasn't sure. Yep, I think so... and then it does need a third little segment along with Motionless and Hopeless.

[IN PHIL WE TRUST]


Quote by Trowzaa
I only play bots. Bots never abandon me. (´・ω・`)

#16
Actually, the Gnosis verse doesn't need to be scrapped... It might could be salvaged...

[IN PHIL WE TRUST]


Quote by Trowzaa
I only play bots. Bots never abandon me. (´・ω・`)