#1
With all the begging for simplicity, simplicity it is. Enjoy.

Welcome all to my opium theater,
Asylum of transgressions and eradications.
Any type of hallucinations or nausea may occur,
And you may step to the side at any moment in time.

But if you would turn to the screen to the left,
intrinsically vile and polluting sins for all to see.


"The origin of sin is a mystery,
And will forever remain such to us."

Original sin is frequently and properly
used to denote the moral corruption
of the whole nature that is man.
In this case on the screen in front,
with abhorrent suffocations and needled drugs,
original sin never really takes a part.


"And Lucifer rose up one third of the angels
and rebelled against the jealous God."

"And the Lord cast Lucifer from the Heavens
while sin was let in to the world""

The blurs on the screen to the left?
Amity and optimism hidden by
reinforced walls and doubtfulness.
It?s a show that can never be shown.

"Moral corruptions exist when theres
the loss of original righteousness
and a presence of a constant proneness
of evil."

Puncture. Induce. Protract. Live.
Puncture. Induce. Protract. Live.
A never ending cycle of love.
Puncture. Induce. Protract. Live.
Puncture. Induce. Protract. Live.
A never ending cycle of love.


-Mike
Last edited by TrigFunction at May 18, 2006,
#2
I would try playing around with form if i were you, this quatrain style is a little too repetitive, I'll be back to crit the rest of this later.

...If you wouldnt mind, could you give a little crit on my newest... purdy please : https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=360436
Last edited by #1 synth at May 17, 2006,
#3
Quote by TrigFunction
With all the begging for simplicity, simplicity it is. Enjoy.

Welcome all to my opium theater,
Asylum of transgressions and eradications.
Any type of hallucinations or nausea may occur,
And you may step to the side at any moment it time.

I really like this opening, very clever and unique. No real thoughts on changes.

The origin of sin is a mystery,
And will forever remain such to us.
But if you would turn to the screen to the left,
intrinsically vile and polluting sins for all to see.

I think it may sound better to change the second like to "And will forever remain to us so" just a thought. The last line seems a bit awkward, but I like it.

The blurs on the screen to the left?
Amity and optimism hidden by
reinforced walls and doubtfulness.
It?s a show that can never be shown.

I like the first three lines, the last one somewhat confuses me. Are you saying that the show playing on the screen to the left should never be shown? Or that a optimistic outlook hidden by the characters doubtfullness should never be shown?

Original sin is frequently and properly
used to denote the moral corruption
of the whole nature that is man.
In this case on the screen in front,
with abhorrent suffocations and needled drugs,
original sin never really takes a part.

Interesting, I'm still pondering the meaning behind this verse.

Puncture. Induce. Protract. Live.
Puncture. Induce. Protract. Live.
A never ending cycle of love.

This part is alright, not my favorite of the song, and seems a bit weak as a conclusion.


-Mike


I liked it overall, seems like a pretty good song. I'm not sure what style it would fit into, what style were you thinking of setting it to? I would give it a 8-9/10 Good Job

Could you crit one or both of mine? Thanks!

Dream Chaser:
http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...ad.php?t=361379

War on Politics:
http://www.ultimate-guitar.com/foru...ad.php?t=360939
Its how you look and how you feel
#6
Quote by TrigFunction
With all the begging for simplicity, simplicity it is. Enjoy.

Welcome all to my opium theater,
Asylum of transgressions and eradications.
Any type of hallucinations or nausea may occur,
And you may step to the side at any moment in time.

Same thought as before, very clever and unique. I kinda get that feeling ya know when you're about to get on a ride or soemthing at an amusement park, and you see all the signs that say "You can turn back now and exit here" or soemthing like that. Kinda neat, sets a sort of scary / suspensful mood


But if you would turn to the screen to the left,
intrinsically vile and polluting sins for all to see.

Maybe somehow say that to the left you'll see that sight, it kind of seems like a somewhat awkward flow.

"The origin of sin is a mystery,
And will forever remain such to us."

I like this, line. No real suggestions

The blurs on the screen to the left?
Amity and optimism hidden by
reinforced walls and doubtfulness.
It?s a show that can never be shown.

Again, I am a bit confused on this.

"And Lucifer rose up one third of the angels
and rebelled against the jealous God."

I like this line as well, the biblical outlook works well in the song.

"And the Lord cast Lucifer from the Heavens
while sin was let in to the world""

Same as above

Original sin is frequently and properly
used to denote the moral corruption
of the whole nature that is man.
In this case on the screen in front,
with abhorrent suffocations and needled drugs,
original sin never really takes a part.

Again, I'm still pondering it's meaning. I like it.

"Moral corruptions exist when theres
the loss of original righteousness
and a presence of a constant proneness
of evil."

I like all these quoted lines, they are all very nice and provoke thought.

Puncture. Induce. Protract. Live.
Puncture. Induce. Protract. Live.
A never ending cycle of love.
Puncture. Induce. Protract. Live.
Puncture. Induce. Protract. Live.
A never ending cycle of love.

And again, Im not to fond of the conclusion, I think it could be better.


-Mike


I like this a lot very nice and unique. Very well written

P.S.- I really like the title
Its how you look and how you feel
#7
Good work again Mike. I enjoyed this one more than your last couple because of...well, the simplicity, to be honest.
Not that this piece is necessarily simple at all. I'm a fan of the way you've used these paranoia-type words ('transgressions' etc.) to once again build up an uneasy tone. The interchange of your narrative thoughts and those which you are describing keeps the reader wide awake throughout. Even the repetition at the end was not overused in my opinion.

Not bad at all. I believe you're a-heading for a WoTM nomination from yours truly. Well played.
#8
Quote by CJW
believe you're a-heading for a WoTM nomination from yours truly. Well played.


guess who's going to second that nomination?

...
It's me, if you couldnt guess.

And I believe you already know my views on the piece based on chatting with you on AIM. I'll post a full crit if you still want me to though
#9
You did not think I was going to get to this, did you. I liked the starr even thoug hAsylum seems to be used alot. The quotes about god made this thin seem real bad ass. In fact it all seemed real great untill the ending. The ending just did not do it for me man. The rest was great. Good work, I am looking forward to your upcoming posts.

crit me https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=360693
oh and your location is great.
Last edited by guitar? at May 19, 2006,
#10
I apologise for the brevity:

Besides the fact, that this piece is too lucid and plainly stated for my obnoxiously contrary tastes; I see no other reason to propose any menial edits or amendments, as I?m sure that you?ll come to a suitable conclusion in regards to any further revision.

So good luck, and keep well.

In all actuality I may return; as I haven?t been myself of late.
Incisive inklings of proper piss are unsuited for the quill…
Last edited by HendrixEdge at May 22, 2006,
#11
Hey man, hope you are gd. Here goes.

Welcome all to my opium theater,
Asylum of transgressions and eradications.
Any type of hallucinations or nausea may occur,
And you may step to the side at any moment in time.


But if you would turn to the screen to the left,
intrinsically vile and polluting sins for all to see.


"The origin of sin is a mystery,
And will forever remain such to us."

Original sin is frequently and properly
used to denote the moral corruption
of the whole nature that is man.
In this case on the screen in front,
with abhorrent suffocations and needled drugs,
original sin never really takes a part.

I get flashes of "clockwork orange" in this, Anthony Burgess, hit upon the same ideas in that, repentance of sin etc...Content wise I am unsure, the last stanza wasn't overly effective to me, it felt more spoken, which its contradictory to the actual speech. I'll see how the rest develops.

"And Lucifer rose up one third of the angels
and rebelled against the jealous God."

"And the Lord cast Lucifer from the Heavens
while sin was let in to the world""

The blurs on the screen to the left?
Amity and optimism hidden by
reinforced walls and doubtfulness.
It?s a show that can never be shown.

"Moral corruptions exist when theres
the loss of original righteousness
and a presence of a constant proneness
of evil."

This stanza feels redundant to me, as thought you've tried too hard to explain a simple thought.

Puncture. Induce. Protract. Live.
Puncture. Induce. Protract. Live.
A never ending cycle of love.
Puncture. Induce. Protract. Live.
Puncture. Induce. Protract. Live.
A never ending cycle of love.

Overall I love the idea behind this, but it fell short of what I thoght it could be by regurtitating ideas, this could be half the length, the speech I feel needs to be more personal in respect of the way it is said, colloquial wise I mean, perhaps some dialects and inflections of everyday speech may liven it up. Sorry to take such a harsh stand with this, but what is a critique if Im not so. I'll read your others when i have internet back.

peACE
steve
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#13
Wow is all i can say. You probably just killed having a fan base in any relgious state but screw them anyway. I went to a catholic school for 9 years so it was really awsome to see parts of a well known story on the relgious circut in a song that i would probably really listen to more than i should on the radio. this is a very power song and i absolutly adore you for writing it.

My songs are below, check em out.