#1
I've only written the first part about 10 minutes ago.. but its late and i need some sleep. But i'd like to wake up to some feedback on just this little bit.


I'm losing touch with reality
Cannot believe i've gone this long
I held on with high hopes
But now the chance is gone
I fell in love with you but you couldn't feel the same
And now it's hard just to hear someone speak your name
I think it's time for my little game

Time for the first round
Let the game begin
Load up some lead
And give the cylinder a spin
Grace my finger on the trigger
Let's see if i can Win
#2
I dont know much, but I know how frustrating it is not to get any feedback, so I will try to contribute.

It is a bit weird how it says gone twice in the first verse, but it doesnt matter.
I can pretty much tell what it is about.

I like it. Im sure the rest will be good.
#3
it needs a little something else, im not sure if its more verses, or more descriptive words... i dont get what you mean when you refer to, "i think its time for my little game."

But what i really like about this, is the verse...
Time for the first round
Let the game begin
Load up some lead
And give the cylinder a spin
Grace my finger on the trigger
Let's see if i can Win

this parts perfect... i wouldnt change a thing there. keep at it.
Quote by Lord_Of_Dance.

I never understood why a girl would take a boner as a bad thing "Oh no, your attracted to me, you sick wanker." :\ x


Quote by Nelsean
Im saying this the straightest way possible, but...

I'd have sexual intercourse with your anus.
#4
FOR YOUR SAKE I HOPE YOU WIN!!!!! for a REAL crit... i think it was a little too short. It was more like a poem. But.. i liked it anyways
#6
it seems kind of pointless to me to keep writing. I mean it has a decent enough ending. IT leaves the reader to wonder what will happen. and why someone is so foolish to ponder playing this juts because somebody doesn't love you back. The subject matter is quite teenagerish with hte over reacting to heart ache. But I feel the concept you went with of roulette was nice.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?