#1
-my second attempt at song writing after my leave

Your Perfect Murder (My Suicide)

Told me you'd love me if I could show you pain
So I showed you my box of razorblades and band-aids
"So do you love me now?"
Are my scars deep enough for you?
Here let me try again
And again
Is my blood red enough for you
All I want is acceptance from you
Happy?
You made me this monster
You dared me to faulter
Doing it all through your lips
Is 35 to life bliss?
So do you love me now?
You will be living confortably on my life reassurance policy
You got into my head
Twisted my thoughts
Manpiulated my dreams
Left me for dead on our bathroom floor
I went to deep that time
I hope I struck a nerve, in you
That I'd do anything to prove to you
That you mean everything to me
Is 35 to life worth the love you never showed me
It was your perfect murder
Premeditated to a T
It was my suicide
"So do you love me?"
#2
that was erie..."Told me you'd love me if I could show you pain
So I showed you my box of razorblades and band-aids"
if i heard that in a song while I was high, i'd be frightened
I guess you gotta write about politics to not be emo
#3
sorry man, but this is just too cliched...only thing I like was "Is 35 to life bliss?".
keep trying
Quote by The Leader
Same difference? Meaning its differences are exactly alike, and are parallel in opposite? So they have the exact same thing wrong with them. Two identical twins have scars, but the scars are in the exact same place, so their differences are the same.
#4
iv been looking for more of your stuff since i read that other song you posted the other day, & im not disappointed with this either! i especially like 'is 35 to life bliss?' scary but incredibly cool...
Quote by Lord_Of_Dance.

I never understood why a girl would take a boner as a bad thing "Oh no, your attracted to me, you sick wanker." :\ x


Quote by Nelsean
Im saying this the straightest way possible, but...

I'd have sexual intercourse with your anus.
#5
love songs if it is shouldn't be about cuttin urself. i hate emo people. only people who can relate to it are other emo tossers, and they are only posers themself. so i dunno
#6
i went TOO deep. it shoudl read. uhm this was alright. it was pretty interesting. the mentioning of razorblades is slightly cliche but i do'nt relaly care any more. the piece would work into a nice song.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#7
Well... kinda cliche but kinda cool. i don't know how to explain why i like it but i do.
#8
Fag, lol it's like killing yourself is a fad now, except none of them have the balls to actually do it lol. I wish you would, the world would be better off without weak trash like ya.
"The tragic partake of this torment, convincing myself again. This god that I worship, this demon I blame, conspire as one exactly the same it's exactly the same." Lamb of God
#9
Quote by lambofgod4750
Fag, lol it's like killing yourself is a fad now, except none of them have the balls to actually do it lol. I wish you would, the world would be better off without weak trash like ya.
And UG could do better without ignorant fucks like you!

God this shit annoys me! Fucking grow the fuck up people! Jesus Christ... consider yourself banned, idiot.


And to the threadstarter:
I'm sorry for this... I'm just tired of seeing people make posts like that lambofgod fool.

...troy...
#10
And UG could do better without ignorant fucks like you!

God this shit annoys me! Fucking grow the fuck up people! Jesus Christ... consider yourself banned, idiot.


And to the threadstarter:
I'm sorry for this... I'm just tired of seeing people make posts like that lambofgod fool.

...troy...
Ive been to forums before, but mods never do that


i like you
#11
Lamb of god waht the **** is your problem...I like what Kun said "the world would be better without ignorent ****s like you" well said mate
#12
Cutting is not good. It's not healthy and I hope you you know this. It most certainly isn't cool and not a way to prove love to anyone. I hope you are not keeping this secret because it is very dangerous and you might need help. And I hate violence. I really dislike this song and if these were lyrics I would not listen to them for a single second. Suicide can be taken at a creative angle and this is not it. I am just voicing my opinion. I dislike this piece but I doubt very amny suicide songs would interest me. Listen to Silencer by mewithoutYou, it deals with this idea very well. however I can't think of anything intelligent written about cutting. I find it offensive and repulsive.
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#13
Quote by Knife2aGunFight
Cutting is not good. It's not healthy and I hope you you know this. It most certainly isn't cool and not a way to prove love to anyone. I hope you are not keeping this secret because it is very dangerous and you might need help. And I hate violence. I really dislike this song and if these were lyrics I would not listen to them for a single second. Suicide can be taken at a creative angle and this is not it. I am just voicing my opinion. I dislike this piece but I doubt very amny suicide songs would interest me. Listen to Silencer by mewithoutYou, it deals with this idea very well. however I can't think of anything intelligent written about cutting. I find it offensive and repulsive.


I agree about the cutting and stuff but this song was written about a friend of mine who pushed a man away and when he finally went she snapped and tried to commit suicide. it's more of a vent for me than anything but when i was writting the song i was thinking about that.
#14
Quote by .~*KoRn*~.
Lamb of god waht the **** is your problem...I like what Kun said "the world would be better without ignorent ****s like you" well said mate


I know your just trying to help support the threadstarter and everything, but it really doesnt do anyone any good if you continue an issue after its dead and gone especially when you flame the already banned

As for the song (and this crit may be just because of my sleep deprivation) I felt it was really f'in good. The beggining was a strong hook, even though i dont paticularly like the style. The repetition and 'rhyming' of you was well done and emphasized well and in the right place. It was simple but dealt with emotion, essentially the definition of 'emo' as its come to be known in our culture. However, you shouldnt be ashamed of that, it is a damn good 'emo' piece nevertheless. It was also pretty well written and will make a damn good song (i assume). I look forward to seeing more from you, maybe even see you tackle a different style of music.

If you will: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=361877
#15
As much as i hate freaks like the lamb of god dude, I sort of agree with him (in a much, much milder sense). Cutting yourself is just an attention grabbing gimmik. And it's gay. But that's my opinion.

Having said that...

I don't really like the song... It is just creepy and wierd. Sorry I can't elaborate more. 4/10/

Please crit mine.

It's called The Clouded Glass.
#16
I hope I struck a nerve, in you
That I'd do anything to prove to you
That you mean everything to me

I liked that bit. I liked the whole song...It seems all your crits have gone all...debatingly =p
So i wont do that, il just say that i thought it was a thoughtful peice of writing and quite brave to embark on, my songwriting abilities are nowhere good enough to even touch on those kind of subjects.
Well done.
8/10 from me
(if you could crit mine, thatd be ace, its in my sig)
xx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#17
Quote by franz.d.
I hope I struck a nerve, in you
That I'd do anything to prove to you
That you mean everything to me

I liked that bit. I liked the whole song...It seems all your crits have gone all...debatingly =p
So i wont do that, il just say that i thought it was a thoughtful peice of writing and quite brave to embark on, my songwriting abilities are nowhere good enough to even touch on those kind of subjects.
Well done.
8/10 from me
(if you could crit mine, thatd be ace, its in my sig)
xx



Thanks for all the tips and all the support. Yes my songs are (emo) and talk about suicide but I on the other write songs about cutting but mainly as a vent to prevent myself from getting that far.
#18
It has a dark atmosphere. I like it, but sometimes it seems a tad off.
When I heard smoking would kill me, I bought shares in Dunhill and Marlboro - Thomas Geraghty

If we don't change it, nothing will fucking change.
#19
wow

ok, i like how you tackled such a touchy subject with this one. i originally found the razorblades part to be a little cliche'd, but after reading it over again it fits the piece, and i really wouldnt be able to find a more suitable word. i imagine that if i were to attempt suicide, these are the types of thoughts that would be going through my head with each razor stroke. i think it's a really good character song, i think that's my favourite part about your writing. you are a fantastic story teller, and you really seem to assume the role of the speaker in each song. i can almost feel the pain and desperation of the main character in this one. it's a really powerful song, definately stirs things up a bit. really eerie stuff. =)
#20
Quote by cellomaster
love songs if it is shouldn't be about cuttin urself. i hate emo people. only people who can relate to it are other emo tossers, and they are only posers themself. so i dunno


Bulls**t!

This is a really good song and it's really dark so it's closer to being like a black metal song than an emo song, nice job.

Please crit my new song Cassandra (Blackened Flames)
#21
...where have I heard that title before?? has this song been on here for a long time and it's just recirculating or is it some song lyric cuz I swear I've heard that title somewhere before
"there is a man...
playing a violin...
and the strings...
are the veins in his own arm."
#22
ok. i absolutely loved that song. lots of good imagery, despite what everyone says about the "cliche" thing i really liked the feel of the song. great stuff, keep it coming.
#24
i think its good, and even if its cliched thats because everything has already been said.. u came up with a different way to say it and i thought it was a good way to deal with the subject.. 8/10 and if you could crit mine "the sun now rests" itd be appreciated.. thanks bro
#25
whats with the people giving it bad rating cuz its "too emo"...just cuz its emo doesnt degrade the quality of writing one bit...loved the song very strong....id say 8/10
Quote by RockerPseudonym

Under Influence: A weird look
Minor Posession(A gram or two): Confiscation
Possession w/ intent to distribute(Lots, all bagged out): Jail.
The look on your face when the dealer tells you it's laced with crack: Priceless
#26
I liked it. It was very dark and yet it wasn't. If that makes any sense. I usually don't like songs like this but i really liked this one. 8/10
©Ibanez4
#27
Quote by cellomaster
love songs if it is shouldn't be about cuttin urself. i hate emo people. only people who can relate to it are other emo tossers, and they are only posers themself. so i dunno



I use to cut myself... a lot, but I'm not nor was emo. Don't address something you know nothing about, have you ever held a blade up to your wrist?