#1
Crit for crit. Thanks to everyone who takes a look.

One day I?ll see through the clouded glass
One day I?ll pass on
One day will finally be my last
One day I?ll see if I was wrong

As I gamble with my soul
Nothing stops the clock gears
Slow and steady do they roll
Counting seconds; counting years

As time ticks toward that day
Everything else is blurred
Will I find peace or pain?
Will I suffer? Will it hurt?

People?s lives come and go
But do they really matter?
That?s the question we?ll not know
Until the clouded glass is shattered
#2
Im no lyricist but its quite good, all depends on the melody really. Id take out the will it hurt thought its 2 not poetic if u get wot i meen.
RhythmGunner
#3
I like it. I love poetry, its just so... cool. I just love the rhythm. This is a very good poem. It could probably work as a song as well and its an emotional one. Ballad work. I can imagine someone at a desk, thinking about life. 8/9 out of 10
<3[FiTB]?>
#5
You may not have enjoyed my lyrics, but I thought I'd check this out, and I have to say that it's very good work. The rhyming is good, and I like the half-rhymes, such as "glass & last" and "blurred & hurt".

Good piece of work then. Keep it coming.
#7
Anyone else? Thanks to the people who crited me, but to all the other people that put stuff up and have people like me crit them and then don't crit back are selfish... Don't be selfish. Selfish is bad.

Ok, I look like an ass now... Sorry.
#8
Hey! i wasnt being selfish (haha) thankyou muchly for the crit on my song, it was much appreciated!
I really like this poem. Its very pretty, the words are very nice. For some reason it just seems calm, not in your face like some other ppls work.
I liked
People?s lives come and go
But do they really matter?
That?s the question we?ll not know
Until the clouded glass is shattered

This part was really quite thoughtfull and i like the way you have used the glass as some sort of metaphor =P
Its a 8/9 out of 10 from me!
Nice one, keep it up
xx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#9
Didn't care for the first two lines of the second stanza.It just id not fit here in my opinion. BUT I LOVE LOVE LOVED the rest of it. I would not change a thing other than that. That last stanza rocked and I wantedto cry when I read it. haha. GOOD JOB... really. I would giveit a 9.5/10
Why do I let myself drown n the tears Ive cried4u over&over again When I know that u wont rescue me?
THE HARDEST GIFT2GIVE IS LOVE U KNOW IS NOT RETURNED
Whats the point n smilin if u hav no1 2smile4
#11
I'll give a full crit just because

One day I?ll see through the clouded glass
One day I?ll pass on this line seems out of place, especcially when compared with the first
One day will finally be my last rather ordinary and unoriginal, it seems like you sacrificed for whyme
One day I?ll see if I was wrong
overall, good stanza. It sets up the dreamy aspect of obscurity and is also very easy to comprehend your point

As I gamble with my soul
Nothing stops the clock gears awkward
Slow and steady do they roll again, a sacrifice for the rhyme
Counting seconds; counting years good follow up from the 'clock gears' line, time is always a good theme to accentuate

As time ticks toward that day again, good incorporation of time though you may want to be more subtle
Everything else is blurred
Will I find peace or pain?
Will I suffer? Will it hurt? good off-rhyme but i always hate pointless questioning (though i am guilty of it in most of what i write)

People?s lives come and go
But do they really matter?
That?s the question we?ll not know
Until the clouded glass is shatterednice way to wrap it up

Uh, nothing really to say. Its alright, nothing amazing but still completely solid. I'd like to see you use more wit and wordplay though, as of now your point is way too clear, theres no pondering for the audience.

Sorry that this was a rather lame full crit, but if you will: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=362709
#12
As I gamble with my soul
Nothing stops the clock gears
Slow and steady do they roll
Counting seconds; counting years

Those were my favorite lines overall. I think the beginning needs a tiny bit of work, but not a lot. As long as you can make it into one message.

And the last line is absolutely brilliant. 8.5/10 for now.

I'd appreciate it if you could crit my song, "stop me". thanks!
#13
rockergirl u suck jimmy page especially kicks ass and u would get the crap beaten out of u if u said that 2 a bunch of people who liked real music anyone know how they get there pic by there name i dunno how
#14
and also i dunno what the hell a crit is lolz tell me plz message me i dont usually go on the forums
#15
I'll jump to her defence. If you see, she is quoting someone else in her sig. And I also imagine that that person was joking, or doesn't mean it, I don't know. But don't misread something and then blow your top about it- this isn't the place. If you read some of rockergirl's lyrics, you'll see she does know real music.

And a crit is critique- constructive criticism for someones work. Look around at everyones comments to a song- their all crits.

And howcollisthat?, I would like to apologise for sounding like an ungrateful b*****d in my previous post- you gave up the time to crit me and I threw it back in your face- I hope you hold no grudge.
#16
well thanks for the crit anyway... i like the rhyming to this song/poem, but i didn't really get where it was headed or where it was based... maybe a little more detail on it. It rhymed well though... keep it coming...
Quote by Lord_Of_Dance.

I never understood why a girl would take a boner as a bad thing "Oh no, your attracted to me, you sick wanker." :\ x


Quote by Nelsean
Im saying this the straightest way possible, but...

I'd have sexual intercourse with your anus.