#1
this is the first lyrics i've written. probably more shouting than singing, as you can probably guess the riff came first, nice thrashy hardcore/punk riff, needed lyrics to fit so here goes. written from the point of view of teenagers who know best. idealistic and self-righteous? absolutely!

if you think this is crap, then by all means out with it, as long as you tell me how it could be made better. and if you have any ideas whatsoever as to how i could improve this then i would be glad of any help from any other (most likely more experienced) songwriters.

i'm happy to crit for crit, bearing in mind that i have never written a song until... oh... 15 minutes ago i'm sure my opinion as a lyricist/whatever will be incredibly useful to you!

here goes...

-------------------------------------------------------


i'm too clever to listen to your advice
just try to stop me from having a good time
your footprints won't be my path
jackhammer your concrete precedent

me me me self self self
i'll find my own way, i'll make my own mistakes
me me me self self self
you can't detach me from what i want

i'm not going to listen to anyone
i won't be put off by anything
i'm old enough to make my own mistakes
i'm proud of my independence

me me me self self self
i'll find my own way, i'll make my own mistakes
me me me self self self
i dissassociate my life from yours
"Anytime but now
Anywhere but here
Anyone but me
I've got to think about my own life
The world is not our facility
We have a responsibility
To use our abilities to keep this place alive," said ian mackaye
#2
it sounds like it could be powerful if your shouting it... i get the message your sending anyway. i like " jackhammer your concrete precedent." if you post more on here i'll look for it. See ya
Quote by Lord_Of_Dance.

I never understood why a girl would take a boner as a bad thing "Oh no, your attracted to me, you sick wanker." :\ x


Quote by Nelsean
Im saying this the straightest way possible, but...

I'd have sexual intercourse with your anus.
#3
thanks a lot man! suffice to say it will be shouted. have you posted anything yourself, i'd be glad to crit
"Anytime but now
Anywhere but here
Anyone but me
I've got to think about my own life
The world is not our facility
We have a responsibility
To use our abilities to keep this place alive," said ian mackaye
#4
Quote by joyful womble
thanks a lot man! suffice to say it will be shouted. have you posted anything yourself, i'd be glad to crit


yeah, i have, one thread called 'bully.' it didnt get real far though... well, yeah no problem, i honestly do like your song..
Quote by Lord_Of_Dance.

I never understood why a girl would take a boner as a bad thing "Oh no, your attracted to me, you sick wanker." :\ x


Quote by Nelsean
Im saying this the straightest way possible, but...

I'd have sexual intercourse with your anus.
#5
y'know what, and this is a damn good compliment, this is a very good song for your 'first song'. You know what your trying to say and what your message is and thats great. you also know what kind of audience you are catering for (most likely punk) and that also gives you an edge (well, kinda). as far as improvements go, I would follow this step by step program:

1. read lyrics and writing tips thread
2. utilize the power of imagery, no matter what you write, imagery will help your message
3. maybe try to start to write different styles of lyrics, punk music isnt a very expansive genre
4. hmm, vary your vocabulary maybe even try to use words in different and witty ways, IMHO wit is the secret to good writing.

nice solid punk song you got here, keep up the good work.

if you wouldnt mind: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=361877
#7
thanks a lot guys! just to clarify, this is a tongue-firmly-in-cheek number, which will probably come across more clearly as the redrafting process comes along (and, well, as i think of more stuff)
"Anytime but now
Anywhere but here
Anyone but me
I've got to think about my own life
The world is not our facility
We have a responsibility
To use our abilities to keep this place alive," said ian mackaye