#1
ok so this is like the most ive wrote of a song could you guys help me out
thanks peace

reflections lost in a mirrror
stares lost in your sight
the last day of truths
that seem so right
a time to turn a moment of change
a life that needs to rearrange
thoughts misplaced in your eyes
i found them in your unexspected lies
the ones that were always hidden
underneath a pretty face

notebooks of confusion
roots of a dirty mind
vainished was your trust
coverd in a sharppend vine
along with the notes you left
to only make me try

when i looked threw the window
i saw your beautiful face
but when it lied to me
i started to pace
now im out of control
i dont know where i am
those looks never stopped
so its a forever night stand

the lies you told
what you thought would be past
for your Scheduled sleep with another man
and for me to be glassed
stepping stone of an easy life
your way to win with effortless moves
so il close my eyes and we'll battle in strife


i see blurred visions
of a counfused little girl
that lived years night by night
wake up dieased with a dirty pearl
she made it her new life still
forget every man who really cared
wake up hung over in reality
from my vision i was spared

when i looked threw the window
i saw your beautiful face
but when it lied to me
i started to pace
now im out of control
i dont know where i am
those looks never stopped
so its a forever night stand

now ill look into a window
see a pretty face
but relize easy to give up
means impossoble to give away
Last edited by manthtscrazy at May 20, 2006,
#2
Quote by manthtscrazy
ok so this is like the most ive wrote of a song could you guys help me out
thanks peace

reflections lost in a mirrror
stares lost in your night
the last day of truths
that seem so right
a time to turn a moment of change
a life that needs to rearrange
thoughts misplaced in your eyes
i found them in your lies
the ones that were always hidden
underneath a pretty face

I like the first line, I think it clever. However the second line maybe change "night" to "sight" since it kind of plays off the vision idea you created. Much like in the first line you created a sight idea. I just think it would work better. It goes on, nothing speacial but no real suggestions on it, until I hit the "I found them in your lies part" I dislike this line for some reason, it seems to come to quick, like the rhyme happens to fast. Maybe try to put a descriptive word before lies such as "thoughtless" or something.I noticed you changed your rhyme scheme in the middle of the stanza. Kind off balances things.

notebooks of confusion
roots of a dirty mind
vainished was your trust
burried in the ground
along with the notes you left
to only make me die

Again the rhyme scheme changes (intentional?) I'm not to fond of this one, I think it could be better, try messing around with it a bit. The notebooks of confusion line isn't bad.


so through away your horny stares
suck my dick i wont need you here
in aplace far better much beyond
in a living hell where i was born

In the first line perhaps you meant "throw" instead of "through." The second line isn't something I personally would use it a wrting, heh. Again no real set rhyme scheme. Not fond of the ending.



Overall I would give it a 7/10. I think it's an alright outline, but needs more of a filler and descriptive, words to paint a picture in the readers mind.
Its how you look and how you feel
#3
I like the title.. Now to read the song...

Ok I read it. I like the very first line. I don't know what it means, but it's definatly cool. I love it all up to this part:

"so through away your horny stares
suck my dick i wont need you here
in aplace far better much beyond
in a living hell where i was born"

Are you ****ing kidding me? No offense man, but that part is horrible. Suck my dick? Is this now a rap song? Horny stars? God...

Sorry if that sounds harsh. I give it an 8 outta 10 before that nasty lil line. 8 outta 10 is good coming from me, since I have never given anyone more than an 8 1/2.

Can you crit mine? its https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=361710

Edit: I don't know if what I said up there really reflected how I felt about the first part of it. It's friggen sweet. I love the first part. ok... Just thought I'd clear that up.
#4
ya you guys are deffentaly right bot that last line i wrote it really late last night thanks guys
#6
pelase dont' double post. there is an edit button for a reason. I thin kthe title is bad. I didn't really liek it. but the words were not bad. i woudl have chagned some things but i think it's alright.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#8
Great job you explain the situation very well. And I am glad you cut out the dirty part, your song could very easily do without it. (and well)
I think all the changes that could've been made have been covered by everyone else who helped you out. For now, 8/10 (but it could be at least a 9!)

Good luck, and I would appreciate it very much if you could crit my song "stop me". Thanks
#10
A good little ditty bud. The rhyme is working and it flows well.
There are some good lines here aswell. my fav. is the sharpened vine, lovely stuff.
My only doubts are the last line on 2nd verse. a bit bland and over done. And the last 2 lines on 3rd, they seem a bit of a mess. I know you have changed some of this already, but it has worked out for the better. So I am preety sure you can sort out those three lines, and make this even better.

Nice work mate
#11
I thoguht it was pretty good. I htoguth the whole suck my dock thing was kinda funny... becasue it was kinda random because he had already edited it out... oher than that it was good.
Do you think you could crit mine? Silver
#12
i liked it alot... though i think you walk around what you exactly want to say leaving you and the reader wanting some more lyrics....
overall really good
#13
I like the song a lot. It needs a new title IMO.Good job otherwise.

P.S. thx for criting roadtrip
~gtrfrk


founder of the dunlop pick fan club


RIP Roger "Syd" Barrett


"Let the good times roll"
#14
Quote by manthtscrazy
i know dude thats wht i did
No you didn't... there's a double post by you in this thread... I think your delusional...

For futher reference, don't double post. Use the edit button please.

Thanks,
!troy!
#15
Well, the song is really ****ing long. What works best for me is simple short little Diddy's. Maybe that is why it doesn't appeal so much to me, but it was a great piece. I liked the concept. You also give a lot of good imagery and your words flow nicely. Is this something you have worked into being a song? To me, something like that would be terrifying to put melodies to.
#16
Why criticise it if its long? And it's not really, anyway.

I enjoyed it, it was well put together.

i see blurred visions
of a counfused little girl
that lived years night by night
wake up dieased with a dirty pearl


Maybe a bit of a forced rhyme here?
Overall tough, with a bit of a polish and tightening up this is a pretty decent piece. Well done.
#19
well i guess your right n-ocentcriminal about the long part im not sure thought i think its sure but why do you think it would be bad to put to music
#20
I am not saying that it's bad by any means. I'm just simply saying that it would be difficult to fuse so much information together. I'm not saying it can't be done. Hell, look at Pink Floyd for example. Also, I am curious to know what styling you would base it from?
#21
well you know im really into classic rock and RHCP so i think one of the to im gonna try to make some riffs to it
#23
But realize easy to give up means impossible to give away


Best line in the song and a great way to end it.