#1
This is my box.
Paint me liberal but,
I see it like this:
everyone has good days.
I've had lots of them,
but maybe I used them all up,
candy coating voices until
everything anyone ever says
is just what i want to hear.

And I could break out my mobile,
call Elizabethtown,
home order a happy ending.
But I'm fucked if we're not the holes,
in the tiles adorning the ceiling in our cinema.
And man -
"Where did all the good times go?"
If only she knew.

That crazy faced bitch told me to chill out,
and watch my anger,
while I sat and chilled, watching the stars.
Every time i roll my eyes,
I see those holes, man,
even if they're stars, they're still holes.
"But that means that -
ohshitohshit
- God, every day is a good day."

Nothing can happen to us,
when the world watches movies far below,
so scream praise for broken hearts -
"But I'm fucked if we're not the holes!"
well fucked we are, when the world remember us,
and takes us back under it's wing.
When we are loved, we exist,
with paper romance and ambiguity,
draw hearts, write "we are worldly!"
Envy.
That empty space, way above our heads.




love is a dog from hell.



#2
Hi, haven't spoken in ages.

I'm in a ****ty mood becuase I just lost in the semi final of footy, but I'll comment on this becuase I like you.

Pros:

Nice and colloquial.
Easy to comprehend and emphasise with.
Witty.
Quite intresting

Cons:

A little scattered. It might need a clean up so the reader knows what you're saying and where it's going.
A little cliche in places. Maybe bin the obvious parts and substitute in some diff ideas of metaphors.


That's all.
#4
Quote by system
i feel like i've read it before, which is really strange



I may have posted it before sometime. Not sure.

Anyway, cheers guys, any more?




love is a dog from hell.



#6
Sorry I didn't get to this a little sooner. Had a lot of work recently.

This is my box.
Paint me liberal but,
I see it like this:
everyone has good days.
I've had lots of them,
but maybe I used them all up,
candy coating voices until
everything anyone ever says
is just what i want to hear.


Great opening. "Paint me liberal" has a lovely ring to it. "I've had lots of them" was a little unpoetic. I fail to believe that you couldn't think of something a little cleaner for that. Same with "used them all up".. just awkward reading. A lovely idea but presented poorly. The last line was difficult but acceptable.

And I could break out my mobile,
call Elizabethtown,
home order a happy ending.
But I'm **************************ed if we're not the holes,
in the tiles adorning the ceiling in our cinema.
And man -
"Where did all the good times go?"
If only she knew.


Comma after holes? Love the quote.

That crazy faced bitch told me to chill out,
and watch my anger,
while I sat and chilled, watching the stars.
Every time i roll my eyes,
I see those holes, man,
even if they're stars, they're still holes.
"But that means that -
ohshitohshit
- God, every day is a good day."


Beautiful stanza. The eye-rolling line was a real hitter.

Nothing can happen to us,
when the world watches movies far below,
so scream praise for broken hearts -
"But I'm fucked if we're not the holes!"
well fucked we are, when the world remember us,
and takes us back under it's wing.
When we are loved, we exist,
with paper romance and ambiguity,
draw hearts, write "we are worldly!"
Envy.
That empty space, way above our heads.


Epic ending. Really enjoyed this.