#1
Don't laugh. It means a lot .

As always, favors shall be returned. Don't take the content too personally, just looking for some suggestions on structure and rhythm and such.

Untitled #31

I can't stand to think that you never cared at all, so I'll believe you'll feel better if I tell you I'm doing just fine. I mean, I wish I had written you more letters, and told you that I need you all the time, but that I would've settled for a movie on some Friday night, laying on the couch with your hand in mine. And I remember the look on your face when my voice would die in my throat, and it haunted every room where we once spoke, and all that you heard was just a ghost. And the best I could do was just hope to be touched. But I guess I'm alright.
-Landon
#2
shouldn't it be "and that I would have settled" you want us to put it in song structure? That seems quite simle really. I
Jesse Wants To Die Just As Much As You Want Him Dead
#3
No, I can fit it in song structure myself. Just some tips on flow and things like that. Not to say you can't comment on anything else, that's just what I'm looking for in particular .
-Landon
#4
it wqas alright i would have chagned the wording as when i was reading it i felt the flwo was weird also some parts i don't think sound good in song "i mean" for example.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#6
It sounds a little waek to me. There's no bulk, no catch or no hit. To me, I get a Desaparecidos feel to it, but without the depth and meaning. Build on it. Expand it a bit, because it's too dilute for a song at the moment. It needs a catch and a perspective of difference.

Lahhterr Pistol Sex.
#7
You mean like a hook? Yeah, it needs a hook.

Gah, I can't write anymore .

Thanks, I'll get to everyone's.
-Landon
#8
Quote by Vicious Sid
Don't laugh. It means a lot .

As always, favors shall be returned. Don't take the content too personally, just looking for some suggestions on structure and rhythm and such.

Untitled #31

I can't stand to think that you never cared at all, so I'll believe you'll feel better if I tell you I'm doing just fine. I mean, I wish I had written you more letters, and told you that I need you all the time, but that I would've settled for a movie on some Friday night, laying on the couch with your hand in mine. And I remember the look on your face when my voice would die in my throat, and it haunted every room where we once spoke, and all that you heard was just a ghost. And the best I could do was just hope to be touched. But I guess I'm alright.


kay so. the first line is a great start. really good. and the 2nd line is beautifully romanticcc and i love it. i love the 'haunted' and 'ghost' connection, very nice. the last line compliments the first and ends this very very well. i really like it and i miss reading your stuff.
#9
i like how you started but towards the middle i thought it needed work but the ending is great even with the but i guess im alright you rockedat this man could you crit my song foever night stand peace dude
#11
i really liked that. but it ended too abruptly and it IMO should be amde longer and expanded on. it sounded like an extract from something much bigger. seriously. great basis but it has a huge sense of unfinishedness about it.
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#12
Well, I am not one for having to have the song as long as most. I think the length was fine; sometimes the melodies capture the emotion just as much. It was well done. I like your style. Although, I agree that you could use a hook.