#1
ok, well ive been writing songs for awhile and decided to post one and see what people think..
and just so everyone knows, it has no chorus to it.. thought it was a good idea and i like how it sounded

Highschool Heartbreak

After school, I went to a dance
Thats where i saw her, i thought i'd have a chance
I walked up to her, and asked
will you save me, the last dance

we went out for like a week
and then she broke up with me
through the years, we became best of friends
saying those 3 words and meaning it

Iwanted to be, more than friends
to be her only one.
now this, sad part, ends, the fun..

she wanted every other, guy but me
and i held her while she cried, over them
then some things happened, things i thought
she'd never do..
but it was true

we stopped talking for awhile
she said she couldnt go, another mile
without me in her life
She said she'd never do, anything
to screw it up, again
they say the eyes never lie
but hers are so deceiving
they tricked me to believing

i finally figured it out, i was gonna ask her out
without, any doubts
but here it goes again
it hit me like, a bullet

i took a seat, put my hands to my face
what do you do, when your world is erased

so here i am, writing another
song about you, i dont know what to do
i cant let you back, into my life
i wont let you back, into my heart
if i do, i'll end up , back at the start
let all your tears, be a reminder of
the tears i cried ,for you my love..
#2
This theme's a bit cliched and even though there are some good parts and clever adjectives, it will always take something specail for a song like this to stand out.
#3
yeah, but its something that actually happened to me so i figured itd make a good song.. but i appreciate your opinion
#4
Cliches.

Too many cliches.

It's good, nice adjectives at points, but aaaah cliches.

And rename it to the name of the song, otherwise this will get closed.
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#5
There were some good lines in there, but it wasn't very original.
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#6
i could hear the story, and even though its cliched (which most things tend to be enless you can come up with a new metaphor no ones heard, and then they rip you because they think it sounds weird.... weird how that happens huh?)_ but anmyway, i like it, and i like the use of words and the story to it...... though it kinda starts out like the song "teenage dirtbag" just a warning
#7
Rhyming scheme was a bit off.
Too many cliches.
Good theme, not much originality though....

Needs a bit more, and your gonna need really good music behind this and vocals to make it great.. Good job though.
#8
Quote by pollins1989
yeah, but its something that actually happened to me so i figured itd make a good song.. but i appreciate your opinion


wow, did this actually happen to you? wow...i had a totally different opinion of this until i read that. well, now i think you wrote it out pretty well, the way you spaced out the story & told it over the whole song was pretty clever... keep it up then!
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Im saying this the straightest way possible, but...

I'd have sexual intercourse with your anus.
#9
lol.. yeah it really happened to me, thanks
Last edited by pollins1989 at May 19, 2006,
#10
I especially liked the last stanza. It stood out the most to me.
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