#1
A little background: In 2003 a Gap worker was shot to death during a worker protest in Cambodia. Cambodian police opened fire to disperse more than 1,000 garment workers who were protesting working conditions and pay. Phnom Penh's deputy police chief Moung Khim said one officer had been killed and 20 wounded when they came under attack from a hail of stones.

John Smith

Little Johnny Smith woke up one day
He said, "I just can't live this way"
John Was born into slavery
Owed his life to some greedy company

This can't continue
It won't continue
We'll stand strong

Johnny worked all day and night
And he knew that it wasn't right
Little Johnny Smith's life wasn't fun
He knew something had to be done

This can't continue
It won't continue
We'll stand strong

So Johnny gathered up his friends
He knew they'd figt until the end
John and his friends took to the streets
In order to change the lives they'd lead

This can't continue
It won't continue
We'll stand strong

John Smith died in the street that day
His killers didn't know just what to say
Their greed and oppression caused another death
They beat Johnny but they won't beat the rest
#2
I didn't really like this piece... the forced rhymes and a lack of poetic devices really brought this piece down... it was a good topic, but I think you should look into the Lyrics tips thread near the top of the page.
#3
Quote by DanteR*
I didn't really like this piece... the forced rhymes and a lack of poetic devices really brought this piece down... it was a good topic, but I think you should look into the Lyrics tips thread near the top of the page.


Probably. I've never been very good at writing lyrics, especially rhymes, haha. I'm gonna take a look right now.
#4
Good subject and on topic through out the entire thing. Like DanteR* said, some of the rhymes did seem a bit forced, especially this one John and his friends took to the streets
In order to change the lives they'd lead
Interesting poem or song to say the least, tells the story well.
#5
Quote by Partyboy2k05
Good subject and on topic through out the entire thing. Like DanteR* said, some of the rhymes did seem a bit forced, especially this one John and his friends took to the streets
In order to change the lives they'd lead
Interesting poem or song to say the least, tells the story well.


Yeah, the rhymes are pretty bad. Especially now that I read it over a few times. Would someone maybe suggest a line for "In order to change the lives they'd lead"? That one sounds pretty sour.
#6
The subject matter could make a good piece, but you convey it pretty vaguely. Be more specific about what they're fighting for and why. Again, this has possibilities, but it's too generic (i.e. faceless greedy corporations, usual displeased youth, etc.)
-Landon
#9
You're all pretentious poets who should go back home to pre 1914.

To be fair though, I wouldn't have used the name John Smith, I'd have gone for something more Vietnamese, like Thai Yang Duc.