#1
I wrote this out of boredom. This is my first proper prose piece.

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I shuffled my quire; 25 sheets, 10 ½ by 8 inches, college ruled, subject paper. Exactly the way I wanted it. I then lifted my 0.7 millimeter leaded, mechanical, number two pencil, and began to write. Exactly the way I had intended. The lead seamlessly glided across the paper, almost as if the lead was an apathetic angel finding true sympathy and bliss in what it had loved, the paper. I was slowly fabricating life, intelligent design, if you will.
The words had now formed upon the quire. Exactly the way it should be. I picked up my acoustic Fender DG-10 from its wobbly, black guitar stand. From exactly where it had been previously placed. I sat the guitar upon my thigh, near my waist. This is exactly where I have always placed it, below my belt buckle, but away from my knee. I was now awaiting the time I could strum the guitar?s old, unaltered strings; thus, creating a symphonic beauty, no dissonance emitting from it, just bliss.

I then grasped the rose wood fret board, fingering an a minor chord with my calloused fingers?


But, alas, the melodic song written upon the quire; will not be heard? For I have misplaced thy plectrum. This is of course, exactly the last thing I wanted to do.
#2
Well, I'm not ashamed to admit i have no idea what you mean by "proper prose piece", so could you explain please?

But overall, this is just wierd, not really an enjoyable read or interesting story, just like...you started writing and then stopped, with almost nothing in mind. You do seem to have a nice vocabulary and a good writing style and use of the language, which is always a good thing. I think I'm going to need you to elaborate on what you were going for here
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
#3
I meant proper prose piece, as in a kind of short story... I know it sucks, and there is no real message behind it... it's basically about having to have things in perfect order... and at the end I lose my pick, thus, ****ing up my cycle of doing things ...
#4
Ok thanks for explaining that one. I think you definately achieved the whole "perfection but then ruined at the end" idea. Since thats what you were going for, I don't think it needs to be changed at all really. I would recommend that you put a message or bit of a...plot sort of in it, you know? Make it so after people read it they don't just go "wtf?" lol Its just a suggestion, and you obviously know how to write.
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
#5
I thought it was brilliant. I've never really critiqued a piece like this before, tend to stay away from them as is my lack of songwriting knowledge, but this really stood out for me. I basically got what you were on about straight away, and the explanation just cleared it all up. I like the repeat of the word "exactly" throughout, and then used at the end again.

Brilliant work. Keep it up. If you have the time, It would be great if you could crit the song in my sig, the top one. Thanks if you do.

ETA: Just thinking about it again, it almost seems like an analogy of something you've planned to do going wrong- building up to it, having everything in place, then having it go wrong at the end. Excellent stuff.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at May 20, 2006,