#1
I just wrote this, and I need a little critisizing of it, in order to make it better tomorrow. It;s my first semi-full song, but please don;t hold back, if you hate it, please say so, if you love it, say so. And I'll crit yours if you;d like to. Thanks


Versy 1

The girl I've admired,
From far away
Came over and spoke with me,
Today

We had a great conversation,
About everything
I didn;t even choke up,
or start stuttering

I was so glad she talking
to me
I hoped to hell it wasn;t
a dream

Then she ask me if I wanted
To go
To her house, how the hell could
I say no?!


Chorus

I've been waiting for this moment
Since I first layed eyes on you
I've been wanting to ask you out
But I've never followed through

Now it's you approaching me
Is this really happ-en-ing?
Somebody pinch me, make sure I'm awake
This is just so, a-maz-ing


Versy 2:

It's like we've know eachother
Forever
But we've never really connected
Together

All my pathetic attempts to,
Make small talk
To be inbedded in your mind
not a rock


Pre Chorus :

I've been etching a place
inside your mind
through your unbreakable safe
I will never find


Chorus :

I've been waiting for this moment
Since I first layed eyes on you
I've been wanting to ask you out
But I've never followed through

Now it's you approaching me
Is this really happ-en-ing?
Somebody pinch me, make sure I'm awake
This is just so, a-maz-ing


Bridge:

It's around 1 in the morning
And our breathing's getting heavy
Our body's drenched in sweat
living my long lost wish

I open my weary eyes
and stare into darkness
and I finally relaised
I just got my pinch


Chorus

I've been wishing for that moment
Since I first layed eyes on you
I still want to ask you out
And I'll still never follow through

It wasn;t you aproaching me
I wasn;t really hap-en-ing
I got my pinch, I wasn;t awake
Now staring at the ceiling, it was all a dream

Good night
Quote by NAME GOES HERE


Did you see what I did there? I made fun of his mom!
Last edited by live 4 guitar at May 21, 2006,
#2
Well, I don't know, I think it needs some improvement. This is totally up to you and its your song but: it seems like really generic and predictable, its kind of a wierd story song that ends up you were just dreaming, which bothers me. The whole concept itself isn't bad, and its a decent rough draft. I'm not really sure what else to tell you (although that wasn't much, sorry ), I just don't think I would ever write anything like this. I would post you an example of something i've done, but i'm not done any sets of lryics that i've started in the semi-present era. I hope to get something up soon though. If you do change it, I'd be interested in seeing it
To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And a Heaven in a Wild Flower
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour
#3
It's weird how the whole thing just gets better as it goes along.
I think the first part was just sort of a mental warm-up and as it went along you were really getting into it.
I'd try to find another way to express how you felt about this girl, and exactly what happened. It's not really a song if everything is 100% direct.
For example:

The girl I've admired,
From far away
Came over and spoke with me,
Today

..I would change this to something like:
For long I stared across the hall
Hoping she would notice me
If I got much, I got it all
And so we started happily..

Because it shows that you got what you wanted in the way that she spoke with you.

And I think that most songs are better with a happy ending. You could be dreaming about it, and then your dream could come true.

Anyway, I think it's a nice start but if you want this to be big, you've got to change a bunch of things.

I would appreciate it very much if you could crit my song, "stop me".
#4
yeah man, sorry, but way too predictable . but interesting idea. keep toyin w/ the basic idea of talkin to the "girl of ur dreams" and waking up to only realize its a dream.
#5
Thanks alot for the crits guys. Once I get some sleep I'll work on it some more and change some stuff around. and rockergirl, I think I might throw your idea in there, if you don;t mind, of course. And I'm on my way to crit yours.
Quote by NAME GOES HERE


Did you see what I did there? I made fun of his mom!
#6
It seems a little like you just wrote down what you thought. A little too straightforward, but not bad. Needs a little work.

Crit on mine would be appreciated. It's in my sig.
#7
its a nice start and i agree that it gets better as it gets into the song.. like everyone else said, just keep toying with that idea and i think it could be good. and if u could crit mine, highschool heartbreak, thanks
#8
Thanks for the crits guys. I think I'm going to edit it now.
Quote by NAME GOES HERE


Did you see what I did there? I made fun of his mom!
Last edited by live 4 guitar at May 21, 2006,