#1
Another one from me. About watching a girl go from perfect to almost destroying her life, but just about saving herself.
Thanks to the people that praised my first piece =). Crit for crit as always.

Tell you what If I have a drink now
Will you buy me one later
I'm trying to get you to like me girl
Not be a hater
I've flattered you with my schoolboy charms
But you're fine love you ain't come to no harm

You can forget about the other guys over there
Cos they ain't got the way with words that I've got

Alcoholic on a gin and tonic
Easy lass your getting tipsy
Alcoholic on a gin and tonic
Now you've fallen on the floor
You've fallen on the floor

Tell you what you need to do now
Go upstairs and rest in your bed
Chances are you'll be aching and
You hands will be clutching your head
I'll make myself at home love
Put my feet up and relax

You can forget about the other guys over there
Cos they ain't got the way with words that I've got

Alcoholic on a gin and tonic
Easy lass your getting tipsy
Alcoholic on a gin and tonic
Now you've fallen on the floor
You've fallen on the floor

I've watched you progress from a girl with potential
To a girl with little ambition or promise and
I've seen that faraway look in your eyes which
Means that your unhappy and you know it
but you don't want to show it yeah

Tell you what you could do with girl
Is a shower so cold it'll make you scream
And tell you what I've got this nice hot mug of tea
Why not drink it all up love
It'll rouse you from this drunken mystery

Alcoholic on a gin and tonic
Easy lass your getting tipsy
Alcoholic on a gin and tonic
Now you've fallen on the floor
You've fallen on the floor

Alcoholic on a gin and tonic
What's that you've put down the glass
Alcoholic pouring the drink down the drain
Last edited by Jammydude44 at May 20, 2006,
#2
it was weird...idk....kinda got like a austin powers vibe thing i thought...what kind of style is it?
I guess you gotta write about politics to not be emo
#3
I like it. Ha, I especially like the line, "cause they ain't got the way with words I got."

you're using improper grammar to brag about your way with words... and it works.
Banging on a trash can
Drumming on a street light
#4
Thanks BFS.

And it's slightly punky/brit pop- as my other song, Arctic Monkeys were big inspirations.

Any more? Crit is promised back.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at May 20, 2006,
#5
Thank you so much for the crit! Yes, I do recognise sort of the same attitude in our work, and I love it. I'm usually not into the stereotypical Brit rock, but it works here.

There are a couple lines I thought were weak, like:

Tell you what If I have a drink now
Will you buy me one later
I'm trying to get you to like me girl
Not be a hater

I didn't like the rhyming there. But I think that's my only complaint.
And I absolutely loved this part:

I've watched you progress from a girl with potential
To a girl with little ambition or promise and
I've seen that faraway look in your eyes which
Means that your unhappy and you know it
but you don't want to show it yeah

It reminds me so much of some of my friends, haha. I love that. 9/10.
#6
i think its really awesome, just one complaint

Alcoholic on a gin and tonic
Easy lass your getting tipsy
Alcoholic on a gin and tonic
Now you've fallen on the floor
You've fallen on the floor

i think if u change the last line to someting like, your stumbling through the door, it would go a little bit better.. but it sounds fine the way it is too 8.8/10
#7
Pollins you genius! That's a great line to use- I had the repeat in the chorus becauae my mind just went- thanks for that! I won't post a revision, I'd still like others to crit what I have at the moment, but I will almost definitely use that line!

Thanks to everyone else for their crits aswell.
#8
I loved the fact that the peice showed progression. Very nice. A few spots were a little forced on the rhyming, but that's nothing different from what the other folks haven't pointed out. I get the brit rock part, but your use of "love" in this peice is a little over the top for my liking. Maybe once yeah, I'd buy that, but if you're serious about making it a song, I'd leave all other references out except the one (if that). I think the chorus has great "hook" possibility, which makes it stick out to me. I'm not sure I like the repeat of the first line in it, I might have gone a different way I think (maybe "and a little less stubborn to my advances" or something like that in place of the second one I don't know). Overall, I enjoyed it, the language was clear, the point easily read. Nice work.
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5
#10
aksuperstar thanks for the crit- I like your suggested line, maybe I won't use it in this piece but I can see myself using that in the future.

caz guitar dude, I have not heard of that particular band, but thanks for taking the time to read and reply to my lyrics.
#11
i thought it was ok, then about half way through i liked it alot. I thoguht that somtimes the lines seem like they should be 2 lines, instead of one.. Im not too sure. I think it was that in the beggining it reminded me of a rap song. Thne later on i didnt think so.. Maybe it was just how you ended a line with girl.. But i did enjoy it alot. Btw, Thanks for the crit.
Last edited by TimmyHendriix at May 20, 2006,
#12
wow!
now youve fallen on the floor youve fallen on the floor
u definitely thought about the music 2 this piece it sounds maybe like pop rock or sumtin no offense its pretty catchy nice job
#13
Thanks. It is pop/rock stuff, I have a few chords put together, nothing special, and a bit of a melody in my head- but I have no singing talent whatsoever, which is annoying. At best I'm a back up vocalist.

Timmyhendrix- Surprisingly, the first reaction to my other song (found in my sig) was that of a rap song. I try and make the point it's not- yes, I use girl, love etc. but so do many other pop/rock bands.

Thankyou both for the crit.
#14
I thought it was on the whole good. It has a kind of quirky character to it that is quite catchy. The lyrics are quite conversational, and I like it when songs sound more personal. Only one complaint; I agree that a couple of the rhymes are a little forced. I would give it 8.5/10.
#15
It's interesting, okay that's not very clear. I like the other song (sometimes i just don't give a...) better because i think it has a message and i kinda got lost as to the meaning of this one, perhaps you could clear it up. 7 and 1/2/10
#16
Sure. It's more of a story, less of a message.

If you read my first post you get the main jist of it, but I'll go in to a bit more detail. It's slightly a personal expericne- I knew this girl who was great, funny kind, caring etc. also a straight A student. she was going through some rough stuff and she seemed down, so I just had a story form of a perfect girl who I tried it on with going off the rails, then jst bringing herself back from the brink in time to do something about it.

If it had a message? Not sure.

Thanks for the crits.
#17
i like how it tells a story and the point your getting acrossi honestly think its awesome for the kinda stuff your doing it was great could you crit my piece thanks man peace
#19
thanks for the crit on my newest untitled piece... anyways

I think you should add in some commas and punctuation in some parts to make it flow better, in some parts it reads wierd without the punctuation. other than that, it had nice rhymes, and interesting ideas. good job
#20
Read my last post for the story. I think it pretty much tells you.

Anyone else?

ETA: Sorry, DanteR, I didn't catch your post before I posted this. I see your point on the puncuation- I probably could do with some, but, hey, it's pretty readable at the moment. Thanks for the crit.
Last edited by Jammydude44 at May 21, 2006,
#21
Quote by Jammydude44
aksuperstar thanks for the crit- I like your suggested line, maybe I won't use it in this piece but I can see myself using that in the future.

caz guitar dude, I have not heard of that particular band, but thanks for taking the time to read and reply to my lyrics.

Frozen Primates = Arctic Monkeys

Arctic (Frozen Monkeys (Primates)

See?
#23
Tell you what If I have a drink now
Will you buy me one later
I'm trying to get you to like me girl
Not be a hater
I've flattered you with my schoolboy charms
But you're fine love you ain't come to no harm

Rhythms a little confusing, but as an opening for brit pop, excellent. I think the central complaint is about "Not be a hater" you should take some time and revise that part for flow.

"I know you kinda like me girl,
So don't be such a hater?"

That any better? Might not like the meaning of it it, and flow still isn't perfect, but you get the idea.


You can forget about the other guys over there
Cos they ain't got the way with words that I've got

Excellent, nice bit of Brit Pop intelligence. Good bridge.

Alcoholic on a gin and tonic
Easy lass your getting tipsy
Alcoholic on a gin and tonic
Now you've fallen on the floor
You've fallen on the floor

Can't complain, you had an idea you wanted to use and you've done it well in terms of Genre. Good job.

Tell you what you need to do now
Go upstairs and rest in your bed
Chances are you'll be aching and
You hands will be clutching your head
I'll make myself at home love
Put my feet up and relax

This is good, I can only suggest improvements for flow and effect. Take out the "and" on line 3 for flow. Maybe change line 4 to, "Your fingers scratching your head." But hell mainly just the "and" on line 3.


I've watched you progress from a girl with potential
To a girl with little ambition or promise and
I've seen that faraway look in your eyes which
Means that your unhappy and you know it
but you don't want to show it yeah.

This is kinda weak. First two lines have not much flow and kinda make me think of a teacher talking to me at parents evening, unless it's very VERY ironic, it's not Brit Poppy. I can't really thikn o what I'd do to it. I'm guessing it's the break down or middle 8 hence the change in rhyming sceme but it doesn't work for me.

Tell you what you could do with girl
Is a shower so cold it'll make you scream
And tell you what I've got this nice hot mug of tea
Why not drink it all up love
It'll rouse you from this drunken mystery

This I like, good flow, nice yet weird annosance on "Scream" and "Tea". Kinda weak on "Mystery" but it just makes the grade.

Alcoholic on a gin and tonic
What's that you've put down the glass
Alcoholic pouring the drink down the drain

Well, it works in terms of how it's written but... Brit Pop and a Happy ending!!?!?! Maaaan! Nah I jest. Would've been good to leave it open though I think, the whole "And then she was Ok again" ending doesn't do it for me but that's down to taste.

All round I like it alot alot. Love to hear it with some sort of Reggea brit sound, with the Buzzcocks tone on guitar or summit. Good job.

And cheers for the crit dear. Send me a PM when you do the next yer.

Jx


p.s. the Frozen Primate Joke - so bad it made me giggle....
Last edited by 7th at May 22, 2006,
#24
Thanks 7th, my first full crit! Yay!

I can see now that the 4th line needs revision- there's been many comments on that. I can see your point on the middle eight but there's been split opinion on that so far so, I dunno, we'll see if it stays or not.

The ending- Yes, it is odd to see it end happy, but there is some out there that finish on a good note, and I suppose it sort of sends out some sort of message, something like however low you've sunk, you can always get back ontop of your problems. I guess that without that ending, it just seemed like me moaning about someone's problems. With the ending, it completes the story and ties up all the loose ends about this girl.

Once again, thanks for the crit.
#25
And here's your second.

Tell you what If I have a drink now
Will you buy me one later
I'm trying to get you to like me girl
Not be a hater
I've flattered you with my schoolboy charms
But you're fine love you ain't come to no harm
I thought 4th line was a forced rhyme. I did like the nonchalant manor you have used here, but I do think that as the song progresses (I will point out later) you lost some of the song and gave in to narrative.

You can forget about the other guys over there
Cos they ain't got the way with words that I've got
This is a lovely two-liner, but the last one is constructed so poorly. I really liked the idea behind it, but the repetition of "got" makes it limp. Maybe "Cos they ain't got the way with words that I posses/do/go about" anything but saying that again in the same line.

Alcoholic on a gin and tonic
Easy lass your getting tipsy
Alcoholic on a gin and tonic
Now you've fallen on the floor
You've fallen on the floor
Quite a funny bit, I did find it amusing and fun, but to be honest the fact the you used the line in the title kindda spoiled it a little.

Tell you what you need to do now
Go upstairs and rest in your bed
Chances are you'll be aching and
You hands will be clutching your head
I'll make myself at home love
Put my feet up and relax
Here you lose the flow to the narrative, and although I'm assuming it works with the music you intend to put to it, I still think you can make it go down smoother with a bit of work. "go upstairs to rest in bed", "Your hands will cluch your head" and all kind of little changes that will make the flow much better.

You can forget about the other guys over there
Cos they ain't got the way with words that I've got

Alcoholic on a gin and tonic
Easy lass your getting tipsy
Alcoholic on a gin and tonic
Now you've fallen on the floor
You've fallen on the floor
Yup. Did this.

I've watched you progress from a girl with potential
To a girl with little ambition or promise and
I've seen that faraway look in your eyes which
Means that your unhappy and you know it
but you don't want to show it yeah
I can see you want to say so much, but you have to tidy up the words to make 5 lines into a song verse. The idea behind it is very thoughtful, and I do think you can polish this a little to make it work better.

Tell you what you could do with girl
Is a shower so cold it'll make you scream
And tell you what I've got this nice hot mug of tea
Why not drink it all up love
It'll rouse you from this drunken mystery
I know I'm being a bit picky, because I do like the piece, but you need to come up with a bit more depiction when talking about girl/love. Other words to make the text more interesting.

Alcoholic on a gin and tonic
Easy lass your getting tipsy
Alcoholic on a gin and tonic
Now you've fallen on the floor
You've fallen on the floor

Alcoholic on a gin and tonic
What's that you've put down the glass
Alcoholic pouring the drink down the drain

So, yeah.

I do think you have great ideas behind this song and you can probably make it work with any music you choose, but if we're talking lyrics only, you can work on a bigger vocabulary and some finishing touches to make this flow all the way.

Hope I wasn't too harsh, just doing my best to help.

Carmel
This is not a pipe
#26
Thanks Carmel- you weren't being too harsh, honesty is this the best policy around here, methinks. Now, to see what I can say...

Once more the (now apparently awful) fourth line is pointed out again- I get the point. It needs to be changed.

The link to the chorus- I quite like it, and if you'll seek out BigFatSandwhich's post earlier on:

I like it. Ha, I especially like the line, "cause they ain't got the way with words I got."

you're using improper grammar to brag about your way with words... and it works.


He got the point I was making- maybe you did, but just didn't like it, I don't know. But that's a line that will probably stay.

About the chorus; yes, I did use the line in the title, but surely that's what many songs do? I got the title from the chorus- I'm not sure why your surprised I used it in the chorus. Perhaps you could explain that to me?

I see your point about the flow in the verses- I probably will chop out a few words - but in my head it sounds good. Once I get some better music to it I'll se what happens.


I've watched you progress from a girl with potential
To a girl with little ambition or promise and
I've seen that faraway look in your eyes which
Means that your unhappy and you know it
but you don't want to show it yeah


This isn't a verse, it's a middle eight, hence the change in rhythm and rhyme, and overall character of it. It's a slower paced breakdown. Like I said in my previous post, there's been mixed opinion about that part, hopefully I'll make the right choice on what to do with it.

In verse three, I will drop the "girl" after "Why not drink it all up"- I can't even remember why I put it there.

Thanks alot for the crit, I would be happy to return the favour if you have anything floating around S&L...
#27
Tell you what If I have a drink now
Will you buy me one later
I'm trying to get you to like me girl
Not be a hater
I've flattered you with my schoolboy charms
But you're fine love you ain't come to no harm

Only thing I would remove is "not to be a hater". Sounds cliche as a lot of kids who are into rap and what not use that word. Just me.

You can forget about the other guys over there
Cos they ain't got the way with words that I've got

Solid

Alcoholic on a gin and tonic
Easy lass your getting tipsy
Alcoholic on a gin and tonic
Now you've fallen on the floor
You've fallen on the floor

I wouldn't repeat Alcoholic on a gin and tonic twice like that, and I agree with w/ Pollens said about stumbling through the door line.

Tell you what you need to do now
Go upstairs and rest in your bed
Chances are you'll be aching and
You hands will be clutching your head
I'll make myself at home love
Put my feet up and relax

Everything about this line is good

You can forget about the other guys over there
Cos they ain't got the way with words that I've got

Alcoholic on a gin and tonic
Easy lass your getting tipsy
Alcoholic on a gin and tonic
Now you've fallen on the floor
You've fallen on the floor

I've watched you progress from a girl with potential
To a girl with little ambition or promise and
I've seen that faraway look in your eyes which
Means that your unhappy and you know it
but you don't want to show it yeah

Explaining too much here, sounds a little forced.. but it has good potential so I'd just change it around a little and you'd be good to go

Tell you what you could do with girl
Is a shower so cold it'll make you scream
And tell you what I've got this nice hot mug of tea
Why not drink it all up love
It'll rouse you from this drunken mystery

I really like this part, especially the last line. Good stuff.

Alcoholic on a gin and tonic
Easy lass your getting tipsy
Alcoholic on a gin and tonic
Now you've fallen on the floor
You've fallen on the floor

Alcoholic on a gin and tonic
What's that you've put down the glass
Alcoholic pouring the drink down the drain

It doesn't seem like it's completely over here, just doesn't sound like an ending line, although it seems like thats what you were aiming for.

All in all, good song. As always, some changes to be made, but I think this song will be good to go after some revising. Good work.
The times they are a changin'.....
#28
Sorry if I repeated some of what other people have said, I try to not read other crits when I do full crits, so I can have my own ideas.

What I meant about the title was... Well, let me say it this way - would you name a joke with it's punch line? Basicly it would have been a really funny thing to stumble upon that line rather than see it coming from a mile away.

But I guess that's just me.

Anyway, goodluck to you!

Carmel
This is not a pipe
#29
Ah, I see. Nice analogy with the joke- and thanks for clearing that up for me. I get what you're saying, If I can come up with a better title, then hell yeah, I'll use it. If I can't, I won't.

Thanks for all the crits.
#30
Quote by Jammydude44
Another one from me. About watching a girl go from perfect to almost destroying her life, but just about saving herself.
Thanks to the people that praised my first piece =). Crit for crit as always.

Tell you what If I have a drink now
Will you buy me one later
I'm trying to get you to like me girl
Not be a hater
I've flattered you with my schoolboy charms
But you're fine love you ain't come to no harm

I like it. It introduces the song well. The only line I don't like is 'Not a Hater.' It sounds like you're trying to go all G-Unit. Unless you are going for that of course.

You can forget about the other guys over there
Cos they ain't got the way with words that I've got

I sense this song is portraying the narrator as up-himself and pompous, which is fine if thats hwat you're going for.

Alcoholic on a gin and tonic
Easy lass your getting tipsy
Alcoholic on a gin and tonic
Now you've fallen on the floor
You've fallen on the floor


I like this, it flows freely and sounds good when spoken.

Tell you what you need to do now
Go upstairs and rest in your bed
Chances are you'll be aching and
You hands will be clutching your head
I'll make myself at home love
Put my feet up and relax

For some reason this seems caring, yet threatening. Cool!

You can forget about the other guys over there
Cos they ain't got the way with words that I've got

Again, the pompous build-up.

Alcoholic on a gin and tonic
Easy lass your getting tipsy
Alcoholic on a gin and tonic
Now you've fallen on the floor
You've fallen on the floor

I've watched you progress from a girl with potential
To a girl with little ambition or promise and
I've seen that faraway look in your eyes which
Means that your unhappy and you know it
but you don't want to show it yeah

The first part of this verse makes the narrator almost fatherly, then changes. I'm not sure about this part.

Tell you what you could do with girl
Is a shower so cold it'll make you scream
And tell you what I've got this nice hot mug of tea
Why not drink it all up love
It'll rouse you from this drunken mystery

I enjoyed this verse. Again, seems threatening yet caring.

Alcoholic on a gin and tonic
Easy lass your getting tipsy
Alcoholic on a gin and tonic
Now you've fallen on the floor
You've fallen on the floor

Alcoholic on a gin and tonic
What's that you've put down the glass
Alcoholic pouring the drink down the drain

Very nice ending.


I liked this song, though to fully understand it people would need to listen to it a few times. Therefore the music needs to be catchy, but not sickeningly catchy so people get sick of it. Good luck!
#31
Thanks johnmalkin.

Pompous-Maybe more like confident and cheeky at the same time.

Once more, the bridge is mentioned- think i'll explain on it a bit. I can see where you got the fathering bit from, but I was more attemptin that lifelong-friend angle. In this story of this girl, that bit would be the part where you're trying to explain to her that she's going off the rails. Aswell as that, it also gives a sense of how much you like this girl, as you notice the look in her eyes- it's the small details that matter in a relationship. that sort of idea.

ETA- The bridge could also bee seen as a parrelel- the girl falling from bad to good in the way I see her, and also, as someone said above (sorry I forgot who) like a teacher, talking about her schoolwork etc. It would probably be more spoken, than sung, that part.

Once more, thanks for the crit. 30 posts? who'dve thought it?
Last edited by Jammydude44 at May 25, 2006,
#32
I love the arctic monkeys and in a weird way I can see their influence on this piece. I would love to hear it sung. anyway great job!

crit me? http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=364771
http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=364739
#34
I see you put alot of thought into that one, Bard Morons. Please, if you can't post something of a decent size, don't post at all.
#35
I read a few of your other songs before I came to this one (I think it was Two Trains and Saltwaterthroat that I read) but this is my favourite.

Are you wanting some music to go with this one? If you'd like I'll take the lyrics to my band and we'll try and come up with something for you, I can see this being a BIG tune.

Excellent lyrics, keep up the good work! I eagerly await your reply, I really want to get my teeth into this!