#1
i was getting my hair cut the other day and the woman who was doing so proceeded to tell me about her life in highschool, and I thought it would be neat to write a poem about it.

Miss Lisa

Her skin was made
Of
Eternal Youth
And could
Be used as a slide
For the
Fingers.
Her teeth never shown
Through her
Raw red
Rayon smile, one line
Twisted;
Upward.
A wry
Etched into
The curves.
Her hair
Was forever
Multiplying
Twisted;
Upward.
Painted
Her chest
And head
Were varying
Styles
Of no self-worth.
Black dots
Hung
Like flies
Becoming
A matching set
Of artificial pupils.
Miss Lisa
Was her name.
It was
Twisted;
Upward,
Across the neck
Of plastic
In bold cursive
It displayed itself
Across the non-existent
Adams apple.
She was in need
To be updated
But remained
Fashionably
Late.
Dance,
Dance,
Dance,
Constant poise.
Her name was Miss Lisa
And she was
Beautiful.



btw, the woman who was cutting my hair was talking about this insane manequin that scared everyone in her class because it was so simplistic it looked something that could never be viewed as human.

i'm not really taking this piece seriously, i wrote it very quickly but i still enjoy reading it.

crit for crat.
#2
personally, I really enjoyed this. The shortness and sharpness of the lines suggests the indecisive and perhaps unhuman characteristics of this character.

however, the last 2 liens IMO didn't really present a suitable ending. it seemed to end really abruptly and kinda left you hanging.

i don't really have a lot to say about this, cos I thought it was pretty neat. using really short lines is a technique that more often than not doesn't work. but ehre it does. IMO this is really good =]
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#4
I like the stacatto feel of the lyrics, would work well if the music did the same.

Please crit the stuff in my sig