#1
I'm not expecting many crits as its rather long but w/e. Its not a rough draft so hopefully its kinda polished. The thing i need the most help with is the ending so any ideas would be ace. well, here ya go:

Scripture between Maddy and I

Dear Dylan,
In my tailored fertility I regret to inform thee
That you are my whim and most conquered fantasy
And if all the world was judged by color wheel?s monotony,
In shades of all introverted white, then I would love thee forever
And I would cry thee to sleep,
And I would lie on my back to watch your naked imperfections
Love, Maddy

Dear Maddy,
What will happen when our untamed summer passes?
And realities crash into our teary eyed lenses,
Will you still be partial to flavor?
Will you still be partial to the taste
Of metal on brawn and of yearning on lashes,
Of the stain of mascara shared by our pupils?
Partial to pay the lovers fare,
To breathe in sweet jubilee;
I will pray for thee,
Goodbye Maddy,
Regretfully yours, Dylan

Oh fruitfulness!
Oh bittersweet lust!
Oh temptress of heart and youth!
I have found thee
And wed thee in matrimony
Now please both die
So I can preserve thee in happiness
Last edited by #1 synth at May 20, 2006,
#2
I'll leave a full crit to the other, more experienced members from the forums, but I'll give you something. It seemed good, It was interesting to read, and with it being unusualy structured it was quite a new experience. I like some of the vocabulary you have used, especially in the first part. It is a polished piece of work, I don't see any major critiscm I can give, although I don't write in this way so probably would never be able to find anything to crit.

It was good, and I hope you get a decent reception from others.

I know I haven't given you much to think about, but It would be appreciated if you could just drop in on my most recent work, the top link in my sig. By all means don't fully crit it, but a line or two means just the same.
#3
I thought it was really good. But same as Jamm dude i cant really crit it because i am really new to songwriting. This was deffinatly very interesting and i want to see what the more experienced writers have to say about it. Sorry i couldnt really help much. IF you get a chance I put a beggining of a song i wrote up on this forum should be somewhere on the first page. Its called silver. Any critiquing would be really helpful, I am really trying to improve my songwriting skills. I would probobly give this a 10/10 just because everyhting seemed so perfect.
Last edited by TimmyHendriix at May 20, 2006,
#4
omg, I am such a noob I do not even know what to say. That work is amazing. Anyway yeah it is in purple. Which I will take that means it is a show of your respect to me, because I some times type in purple in the chat room.

Oh right a crit. The first "letter' i liked the most. The other two were good aswell. It seems pretty good and not in need of any dramatic chage. Besides the "old musty loft" part which just seemed weird. Maybe you should add more to the second "letter". A couple more lines or something. I do not think it flowed to good. But I am not sure if that matters here. The ending was okay. You might want to change that, but I can not tink of anything right now. good work as always.

Give this piece a crap a crit why don't ya
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=362330
#5
Hey #1.

This seems to me like an intriguing piece about adolescent relatioships. I wonder if it's written about a true one from your past, or if it's completely made up?

Anyway, it appears you know exactly what you're talking about, so I think it best if you devise the ending as you see fit. It seems OK in it's current state to me.

Having thought carefully, I think you should consider removing the third stanza in it's entireity. Unless it has a critical meaning that I can't see, or if you just don't want to, I think you should get rid of it because the contrast of the two opening stanzas would lead very well into the 'bittersweet' finale. That third stanza seems to interrupt the flow and just seems generally like a bit of a distraction.

I hope I was of help, and nice work altogether!
#6
One thread a day, two a week.

I don't know if you've deleted threads or what, but you've been breaking this rule. It seems like I see a new piece by you everyday.

Regardless of how you're getting around it,(Maybe the mods haven't noticed?) I won't look at this because I've seen at least 3, maybe 4 or 5 in the past week or so...
#7
your right, i have posted three this week and i wont post another for the next 10 days, maybe more as its time to buckle down for finals. Thank you for pointing this out to me ret, i'm sorry.

CJ: its about a little bit of both, a little summer fling if you will that i just expanded on. thank you for your opinion on the third stanza and I whole heartedly agree, i'll incorporate it in my edit. thanks again!
#8
I really admired this piece. The set up, I think, is great. I like your writing style very much, and hope to see more of your stuff around as today is my first day back in here in... three months, I think. Anyways, I thought the piece was fantastic! Keep it up
REVENGE
#10
yeah so the only part i didn't like was the end. i think it would be complete if you just left off the last three lines, but really it's up to you. if you feel it would be incomplete then whatever.

i did like the rhyming (how often do i say that?)

And realities crash into our teary eyed lenses

that was probably my favorite line. liked the imagery.
i also liked the introverted white line.

overall i think it is a solid piece minus the last two lines
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My work will never be to the majority's tastes; and to be honest; I've no problem in accepting that.


If the doors of perception were cleansed, every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite.