#1
well this song needs another verse and i need some help with it, so just checking to see what everyone has to say ..


i know, that i dont say all the right things
and that, Ive got horrible timing
but girl, all i want is for you to be happy
ill do whatever i can to make you smile

youre too beautiful to be crying
i need to know why your dying, inside
those deep blue eyes always ready to burst
i want to know what makes you hurt
can i kiss you in the rain
let me take away your pain
lay with you under the stars
i can be a cushion for your heart

remember that night, when i took you
to the top of the town, just us looking down
at the lights that night
i took you there to cheer you up
but i could tell it wasnt enough
i asked you what was on your mind
you said it was just one of those times
so i said..

youre too beautiful to be crying
i need to know why your dying, inside
those beautiful eyes always ready to burst
i want to know what makes you hurt
can i kiss you in the rain
let me take away your pain
lay with you under the stars
i can be a cushion for your heart
#2
i really like it, the ending should have this horrible irony. like, she ends up dying and you're talking about how you loved her. that's just my opinion.
Jade

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#3

i know, that i dont say all the right things
and that, Ive got horrible timing
but girl, all i want is for you to be happy
ill do whatever i can to make you smile

An alright verse. Basic and simple. Maybe needs a bit more inspiration- try and add a metaphor or a clever lyric or two.

youre too beautiful to be crying
i need to know why your dying, inside
those deep blue eyes always ready to burst
i want to know what makes you hurt
can i kiss you in the rain
let me take away your pain
lay with you under the stars
i can be a cushion for your heart

I would get rid of the "inside" on the second line, it ruins the flow. Burst and hurt- maybe a rethink on the rhyme, and the length of those two lines- there's a flow problem there. "Can I kiss you in the rain, let me take away your pain" sounds very funky lyrics, I like those two. Does the melody fit the non-rhyming last two lines? If it does, great, if not, maybe need a change.

remember that night, when i took you
to the top of the town, just us looking down
at the lights that night
i took you there to cheer you up
but i could tell it wasnt enough
i asked you what was on your mind
you said it was just one of those times
so i said..

there are some issues with flow I have here. It just stops and starts a bit, a bit choppy. Like the internal rhyme on line two and three, but not on any other line. Maybe chnage the "night" in the first line so the 3rd line doesn't sound repetitive. The second part of this verse sounds a bit boring, but does move on the story your telling.


It's a respectable piece of work so far. A couple of metephors or more inspired lyrics would liven it up though. It tends to drag a bit at the moment. Keep working on it though, I hope it turns out well.

If you would crit the song found in the top link of my sig, It would be much appreciated.
#4
thanks bro.. i just crit your song, and i dont really have a melody set for this song yet (its supposed to be an acoustic song btw). my brain isnt working at the moment so i havent been able to come up with a good melody to it.