#1
Crit for crit, leave a link if you can ... I think it's a poem that I want to make into a song.

-----

Say goodnight and I'll flip off the lights
you're in no condition to move
and I can tell you've had a rough night

care to talk or tell me what's on your mind?
maybe I'd like to help you
or I guess we can save that for a different time

just know that I'm here for all you'll need
keeping you sane while you lie
unconscious and in need of of some sleep

you can thank me later if I'm still around
it's going to be okay and I
won't interupt you're fantasy or make a sound

but should you have any comments or questions
I think I'm good as any ear
I'd like to show how to hear without interuptions

if only for a second while you try to open up
I'm willing to volunteer
as many hours that must be used to give as much
for you're breathe to reappear
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5
Last edited by aksuperstar at Jun 15, 2007,
#2
I enjoyed it. I thought some of the wording was good. I could relate to it, and I really like the idea. For a song, you'll need to get a hook or a chorus in there- that last stanza would be a good place to start for a chrous, try working round that.

I'd love to give it a full crit sometime, maybe when it's a bit more polished. But it's a good job so far, stick with it.

I'd be grateful if you could follow the top link in my sig and crit my newest piece, if it's not too much trouble.
#3
I like the idea of this, but it seems as if it's still in the workroom if you know what I mean. It looks like you just wrote down your thoughts without planning for it to be anything but mere words, just simple expression. But this has potential, and you could definately turn it into a good song.
And I like the last stanza as it is, but I think the others need a lot of work. It doesn't mean it's bad, you should just get some help expressing your ideas in a better way.
So far, good job.

And I'd appreciate it very much if you could crit my song, "stop me". Thanks.
#4
thanks for the feedback. Yeah, it was kind of a quck hitter in that I wrote it as quick as I could with the intentions of going back for a rewrite if it warranted it. Thanks again, I think I've gotten you both back with crits.
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5
#5
revisiting this one for the sake of second rewrite. If there are more thoughts, good or bad, floating out there, I would return the reply.
LISTEN:
A Myspace introduction to:

LEARN:
It's not always rainbows and butterflies,
It's compromise that moves us along. -- Maroon 5