#1
You poured your life out to me, baby
you fell into my arms
i thought you had loved me, truly
so i gave myself to you
but you turned around and ranaway
and told me we were through

so i ask you this last question girl
and please, just tell me true

if you saw our time in heaven
and you saw just how we felt
would you turn around and hug me, hold me
or would you just stay away? tell me tonight

why'd you tell me all your problems, baby?
it only made me worse
why did you tell me that i help you, really?
it made me try and try
how could you lead me to this fate
just leave me there to lie

so i ask you this last question girl
and please, just tell me true

If you saw our time in heaven
and you saw just how we felt
would you turn around and hug me, hold me
or would you just stay away? tell me tonight

you told me that you loved me, baby
i see that you just lied
you brought me into this love life, now
just let me walk beside
you told me that "it's over honey".
i think it might be true

but i ask you this last question girl
and please, just tell me true

If you saw our time in heaven
and you saw just how we felt
would you turn around and hug me, hold me
or would you just stay away? tell me tonight
Tell me tonight
tell me... love me... tonight

Ok, I made the "babys" work a little.
On every verse I ended the first line with a "baby" and every third line with another word.
Still to many?
Last edited by skate_guitar at Jun 2, 2006,
#2
Not too bad, buy there's tooo many pet names, you say baby too much, and add a honey in there. It gets rather repetitive, and makes me lose some interest. I liked the first stanza/verse quite a bit, I read it without having a 'baby' in the first line, and it sounded great. Keep up the good work my friend, and if you have time, could you please crit my edited version of the song? Thanks

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Did you see what I did there? I made fun of his mom!
Last edited by live 4 guitar at May 21, 2006,
#3
yeah baby was in there a bit too much, but otherwise it will make an awesome song!! i reckon 9.8/10... it all really fitted in well... keep it coming
Quote by Lord_Of_Dance.

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Quote by Nelsean
Im saying this the straightest way possible, but...

I'd have sexual intercourse with your anus.
#4
Thanks. I put those babys and such in there cause its like the blue october "hate me" song.
i was trying to think of other words, but just couldnt. im still doing more with it, and i'll give your re-take a look.
#5
too much baby's...and dont try to make it like another song...make it your own song... but you stayed consistent with length and stuff... it was structured well. nice job
Genocidal club #3. i was promised respect....

Cuando moría; Vi todo cerca de mí, todo lejos de mí, y todo adentro de mí. El cielo fue abierto, y en oblivio, me olvidé.
#6
yeah. it's just like the same singing pattern sort of.
i guess i shouldn't say it's "like" "hate me" but more it's influenced by it.
#8
Quote by skate_guitar
Thanks. I put those babys and such in there cause its like the blue october "hate me" song.
i was trying to think of other words, but just couldnt. im still doing more with it, and i'll give your re-take a look.



Hate Me is an AMAZING song by Blue October. Foiled is a great album. I give you a 10/10 for mentioning Blue October.

Anyway I like this song, baby, is used a lot but it fits well it kind of shows the affection that this person is showing to the girl and on the opposite end the affection she is no longer giving this person. great job on the song. 10/10.

crit for a crit?
#9
Was good. About the baby's, I think if you dropped the one in the little two liner thats repeated throughout the song, then it would be better.

Threw=through

8/10. good stuff.
#11
First couple stanzas was good but then it fell apart. Yes baby too much, sounds like you had a bad personal experience . . .
#13
Certainly has the makings of a nice song. To me these lyrics will be brought a live bt the music to which to put to it. It kinda reminds me of a seventies lovesong for some reason. But seriously The music will make or break this.

Good luck
All the best skate guitar.