#1
I seem to be going through a bit of a block at the moment, and this is the first thing I've come up with for a while. It still needs work, in my opinion, but I'm looking for some constructive criticism. Thanks.

Confidence

To the person that never knew my name:
I love you; but it's all the same.
Because you'll never know.
To the person that somehow knew my name:
I hate you; but it's all the same.
Because you'll never know.

(Chorus)
Somehow it seems I've got lost on the way,
A few simple words I can't even say.
Somehow I've got lost on the way,
But you'll never know. You'll never know.

To the manager that made my life hell:
I hate you; but I never tell.
And so, you'll never know.
To the person that ignored me at the bar:
I loved you; but it's gone too far,
And now you'll never know.

(Chorus)

Love and hate are terrible things to waste.
Do you still believe in fate?
'Mon The Biffy!

Boing Boing

Member #2 of the Biffy Fan Club. PM onlyonehere to join.

Quote by Caustic
I like this guy.
#2
The last 2-line stanza (i assume that is the ending) needs more, what you have is good, but it needs to have at least 2 more lines. I really like the chorus where it says, 'A few simple words i can't even say' i like it because before you started the song you said you were goin through a bit of writers block. Overall i really like this song. good job

can you crit "road trip"
~gtrfrk


founder of the dunlop pick fan club


RIP Roger "Syd" Barrett


"Let the good times roll"
#3
i really liked the song, but i have to agree with that guy ^^, the last 2 lines needs more. they sounded like lines from a soap opera commercial, or maybe from a cheesy love story trailer.. sorry, i didnt mean to sound harsh. tell me if im being ****ty.. but over all, it's a job well done. ^^;
Last edited by ajtfermin at May 21, 2006,
#4
hiya biggs. nice piece, but i think i'd change that "somehow" in the first stanza, since it's later repeated twice in the chorus ("to the person who seemed to know my name"? dunno, smth like that). other than that, i c no real problems. the structure is quite ok and i like how u've kept things simple, it's a pretty expressive piece of writin. i'm not 100% sure of what u were thinkin when u wrote the last two lines, but even so they make a great endin. as i said, i c no real problems with this piece, i quite like it. hope u overcome that block soon, i'd like to c some more of your writin. good job, mate.
ana.
so who do i have to kill to get a crit? --> Memory


(e-cookie for whoever spots the alliteration, ha)


y cuando llegue el momento, sólo el viento se llevará lo que siento; y cuando acabe mi suerte, sólo en la muerte estaré fuerte y despierto...
#5
it's lacking are u using varied vocab and stuff or stuff/ once again that sounds more like a rant or vain attempt at a fight song. if that's what ur going for, u gotta use enhancement tools and try to sound like ur really pissed. use plenty of imagery to keep it interesting. but definitely work on the flow
#6
Quote by merkalos666
it's lacking are u using varied vocab and stuff or stuff/ once again that sounds more like a rant or vain attempt at a fight song. if that's what ur going for, u gotta use enhancement tools and try to sound like ur really pissed. use plenty of imagery to keep it interesting. but definitely work on the flow


You have got it wrong. I think.

Cheers for the crit...I agree, the last 2 lines do seem a little out of place. I may try to add more to it, or just take it away completely.

Strangely, the observation one of you guys made about 'a few simple words I can't even say'....I never even thought of that with the writer's block. I was moreso aiming at a lack of confidence (not confident enough to say whatever), but the writers block view is strangely fitting.
'Mon The Biffy!

Boing Boing

Member #2 of the Biffy Fan Club. PM onlyonehere to join.

Quote by Caustic
I like this guy.