#1
Heres a short story I've written during my hiatus, this has had the most popular public response so I figured I'd post it here too.

SCHISM

Behind the paternal grasp of a rasping hand, clutching the revised edition of the New York Times, was Steppe. Resolutely respondent to the question posed circa his stroll and apparent terminus, here at Temporal Square, he, at last, penned an answer to the un-chartered no-mans land that was; 7 down, - ?If one were to say, loose their head. Let your feet do the talking.?, ?r-a-m-b-l-e? was drafted to defend its boarders against the marauding advances of 4 and 5 across, not only aiming to plunder its pacifistic vowels, ambush its ambiguous meaning and peasantry undertones, but eviscerate its very soul, like all good wars should.
He glances to his watch, momentarily pausing to canvas his skin; vales of liverspots veil a tattoo dedicated to his late wife, and Natasha, and Sasha; not his daughters. Again he momentarily pauses to periodically cover the cobblestone under-foot, admiring the craftsmanship not only in the grounds apparent un-evenness, but his physique too, especially at a sprightly 88. A disparate observation at best. But, one that had to be made in order for you to ascertain his character, or at least a facet of said disposition.

?I?m late.? Ferlick squalled. ?Circumstances arose; they won?t question you for meeting like this??
-?Lord no, they?d never second guess me! So you have brought Patina??
?She?s on her way.?
-?So she?s going too??
?Aye, and is Amalgam??
-?Impossible! Amalgam does not exist. amalgam has vanished in the darkness of the unknown.?
?Then he must have??
-?What??
?Existed.?


Behind the peeked ridge of his haphazard Beret; solidified into their sockets, Ferlick?s eyes transfixed upon a diagram adjacent to the apparent battlefield crossword, from what he could make out a half open door paved the foundation, beyond it nothingness, darkness, the unknown. Across the door a line directed right to left connected what appeared to be scribbled a black-hole and a clock-face, the numerals on which scribed backwards, or upside down. Beside it hastily scrawled another door, this time shut. Finally beneath the first incision another lay parallel, this line guided left to right through the open door and into the nothingness.
And with a twitch of his eyebrow and a blink, the diagram disappeared; ?are you alright my child?? Steppe crowed. ?Yes, yes,? rubbing his eyes; ?I?m?.I?.I?..? And Steppe too had vanished.
Mystified, Ferlick planted himself onto the bench and intertwined his fingers around each other, and then his legs. It wasn?t a disparate observation he had made, he knew so. Sitting with his hands defending his face he vainly attempts to reconstruct what he saw, thinking so hard veins begin to swell, his pen a sphincter. Until it burst from the pen, flowing red ink, and the diagram steadily appeared on the paper beside the crossword, only pausing momentarily to spy a liverspot upon his arm, covering his ?Tabula Rasa? tattoo, rarely seen on anyone as young as he. And with a final stroke the diagram was complete, as scrawny drawn as Steppes was.

?I?m late.? A voice squalled. ?Circumstances arose; they won?t question you for meeting like this?"
-?Heavens no...like what sorry??
?Is Amalgam on his way??
-?He?s going too??
?And is Ferlick too??
-?Impossible! Ferlick does not exist. ferlick has vanished in the darkness of the unknown.?
?Then he must of??
-?What??
?Existed.?


And the diagram was gone.
And Steppe is Amalgam.
And Ferlick was gone.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
Last edited by The Hurt Within at May 21, 2006,
#3
this would make a great short story and a complex concept involving both science math and mystery. it had a mysterious ending which probably fit what ur whole piece was about. if u write another i'll crit that 2! and schism is the title of a tool song so i don't know if u'd want to keep that.
#4
This is a very interesting piece. I'm a bit confused, because there's a definite interchange between past and present tense, which makes me wonder if this piece is about other dimensions and that kind of thing. Or perhaps it's about a conspiracy...

I'll stop with my guesses. Anyhow, the piece itself was written comfortably, and the imagery you used makes a clear picture in the reader's head.

Altogether, an intriguing and interesting piece my friend. Nice one.
#5
Ahhh nice conor, let me know when its up, I'm very intruiged by your writing.
I like Tool, and schism kinda fits so I'm gonna stick with it, thank you for the crit, and I'm thinking about going into the science side more with this, maybe. Thank you again, do you have a piece that you want a reply on?
And CJW yes you are right, it is about different dimensions, watch for a sequal to this, not a finally I might add. Thank you again, the same goes for you, let me know if you want a crit in return.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#6
Sphincter pen...hehe.

Interesting, but way over my head. I like the concept of alternate dimensions, but I don't like big words. Sorry .

ps. we need more Steve-emo.
-Landon
#7
hahaha Landon long time! Yeah well the trouble is, I need my girlfriend to dump me for that, and as hard as I try, damn girl tolerates me. Yet she misses my emo stuff too.

So anyway yeah this is somewhat a concept piece, I had no idea where it was going mid-write, sorry to say also their will be more, how about I introduce a heartbroken teenager into the plotline? I'll get a crit on your piece asap, perhaps it may incite some emo work, or maybe i'll dig into the old stuff and find some un-posted pieces for you?

thanks again man.
take care.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#8
Steve, always a pleasure to read. Unfortunately i cant derive any more meaning then whats on the surface. I cant seem to come up with any words to describe any of your works you seem to be... a cross between Randy's work's sparadicness and... hmm idk i dont really want to say hendrix edge but it all that comes to mind. I just wish my mind wasnt so incoherent to still not understand this after the 4th time reading it. I especially love the dialogue anyways great job. If your returning theres 4 this month in my sig opium and orbital design being my best, so choose one if your feeling bored :P

-Mike
#9
I'm a bit confused about some things, but seeing as how this is just an opener of sorts, I am content. It was very well written, I liked how he was clutching the New York Times at the beginning (was that intentional?), how everything related to time and its passage. Greatly looking forward to the follow up .
There is no place else to go
The theater is closed
#10
Ahhh nice conor, let me know when its up, I'm very intruiged by your writing


It'd take me about 25 mins to type, so I can't be assed! Might just scan it.


Now I'll read.


Ok, this was clever and pretty comic, great line:

He glances to his watch, momentarily pausing to canvas his skin; vales of liverspots veil a tattoo dedicated to his late wife, and Natasha, and Sasha; not his daughters.

But as for the actual theme, it seems to me it's pretty time and dimensional based. Maybe existentialism? Or time travel of some sort? To me, there's one running moral in here, and that is that the time travel or time in general, changes us. Let that be metaphorically speaking or conversely, literally. They guy in here changes, his mates change, everything changes. So that's all grand.

The language used to pretty intelligent, combining some wicked techniques throughout to add things to the piece as a whole. But in all honesty, I didn't like the way it read. But, this can mean two things.

You see, I didn't like it because the flow ****ed up my thought's stream, but; that could have been critical to this, as it obviously intertwines confusion throughout time travel or dimensions etc. So maybe that's the right idea, having the language simulate and personify the meaning. If that is so, and I am right; thus proving myself to be the genius of UG, then I would definitely, in your next part of this piece, have a circumstance wherein the character sees things completely straight. Maybe black and white, parallel lines as different dimensions. Really linear writing, simple and factual. In that way it would contrast with the confusion.

Now that would be pretty clever, and I appreciate I just wrote half of it, so any royalties for this piece will be welcome and assumed; to my door-step.

I now have to revise my Literature seen as I have my biggest ever exam tomorrow that I've ever had. So talk later then.

And I have a new piece up, quite short, check it if you have time.

I might also post up my story some time, but I thought of a great poem idea just before, so I think I'm going to write that.


Bye
#12
steve, my good friend. it feels like i haven't conversed with you for such a long time. how's things?

but onto more important matters, i loved this piece (along with pretty much all your work) what stands out for me is your ability to capture the imagination. the use of descriptive language was used to an extent that would perfectly portray the ideas and characters without going over the top. great work
Quote by Jaret Reddick
wake me up when september ends makes me cry evry time!

emos forever
:-(
#13
Sorry mate. Just barging in to say I'd be very appreciative if you could take a short glance at the link in my sig'. Cheers again.
#14
I thought this story, on all it's words, captured the ambiance in a beautiful way.
The concept of time and characters in it is portrayed so well. The dialogue parts were amazing, and the story between them just flowed so well.

I just ove this piece, from start to finish, although I think this can be actually a part of a much bigger picture.

?Then he must of??
-?What??
?Existed.?


Beautiful.


Carmel.


P.S.
Steve wanted me to say he is having a bit of trouble with his internet supplier, but will return all crits when he can get back online.
This is not a pipe
#15
Hey Mike, hope things are all gd, once I get my Internet back i'll get on MSN again. I realise this piece isn't stand-alone, hopefully part #2 will help. ty too son.
Dom I thought you were dead, as always appreciated opinions, and things are gd man ty.

And conor, awesome crit man, you're observations are correct, I tend to convey thematics into my prose, check part 2 for more. Whether you know or not Temporal is important, it is a word that shall be mentioned alot. Thanks again.

And Carmel, ty also, your thoughts mean alot.

peACE all.
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#16
i can't add much to what has already been said. i just wanted to say i thought this was an amazing piece and that i'll be eagerly waiting for part two. sorry for this crit, since it isn't helpful in the least, but i needed to say that you are an amazing writer.

i've always liked this one but i could never use him
Quote by HendrixEdge
My work will never be to the majority's tastes; and to be honest; I've no problem in accepting that.


If the doors of perception were cleansed, every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite.
#17
I like it a lot.

My only real advice, besides what has already been said, is to change a few of the phrases and words, because there are like 3 parts that sound a bit cliche'd.

If you have time, could you crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=365101
And if ever You come near, I will hold up high a mirror.
Lord, I could never show you anything as beautiful as You.
#18
Quote by fenderfreak101
I like it a lot.

My only real advice, besides what has already been said, is to change a few of the phrases and words, because there are like 3 parts that sound a bit cliche'd.

If you have time, could you crit mine?
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=365101



yeah, I shall, but if you could highlight the parts that appear cliche, then i'd appreciate that. its late so your crit shall be at dawn.

ty
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.
#19
Quote by The Hurt Within
Heres a short story I've written during my hiatus, this has had the most popular public response so I figured I'd post it here too.

SCHISM

Behind the paternal grasp of a rasping hand, clutching the revised edition of the New York Times, was Steppe. Resolutely respondent to the question posed circa his stroll and apparent terminus, here at Temporal Square, he, at last, penned an answer to the un-chartered no-mans land that was; 7 down, - ?If one were to say, loose their head. Let your feet do the talking.?, ?r-a-m-b-l-e? was drafted to defend its boarders against the marauding advances of 4 and 5 across, not only aiming to plunder its pacifistic vowels, ambush its ambiguous meaning and peasantry undertones, but eviscerate its very soul, like all good wars should.
He glances to his watch, momentarily pausing to canvas his skin; vales of liverspots veil a tattoo dedicated to his late wife, and Natasha, and Sasha; not his daughters. Again he momentarily pauses to periodically cover the cobblestone under-foot, admiring the craftsmanship not only in the grounds apparent un-evenness, but his physique too, especially at a sprightly 88. A disparate observation at best. But, one that had to be made in order for you to ascertain his character, or at least a facet of said disposition.

?I?m late.? Ferlick squalled. ?Circumstances arose; they won?t question you for meeting like this??
-?Lord no, they?d never second guess me! So you have brought Patina??
?She?s on her way.?
-?So she?s going too??
?Aye, and is Amalgam??
-?Impossible! Amalgam does not exist. amalgam has vanished in the darkness of the unknown.?
?Then he must have??
-?What??
?Existed.?


Behind the peeked ridge of his haphazard Beret; solidified into their sockets, Ferlick?s eyes transfixed upon a diagram adjacent to the apparent battlefield crossword, from what he could make out a half open door paved the foundation, beyond it nothingness, darkness, the unknown. Across the door a line directed right to left connected what appeared to be scribbled a black-hole and a clock-face, the numerals on which scribed backwards, or upside down. Beside it hastily scrawled another door, this time shut. Finally beneath the first incision another lay parallel, this line guided left to right through the open door and into the nothingness.
And with a twitch of his eyebrow and a blink, the diagram disappeared; ?are you alright my child?? Steppe crowed. ?Yes, yes,? rubbing his eyes; ?I?m?.I?.I?..? And Steppe too had vanished.
Mystified, Ferlick planted himself onto the bench and intertwined his fingers around each other, and then his legs. It wasn?t a disparate observation he had made, he knew so. Sitting with his hands defending his face he vainly attempts to reconstruct what he saw, thinking so hard veins begin to swell, his pen a sphincter. Until it burst from the pen, flowing red ink, and the diagram steadily appeared on the paper beside the crossword, only pausing momentarily to spy a liverspot upon his arm, covering his ?Tabula Rasa? tattoo, rarely seen on anyone as young as he. And with a final stroke the diagram was complete, as scrawny drawn as Steppes was.

?I?m late.? A voice squalled. ?Circumstances arose; they won?t question you for meeting like this?"
-?Heavens no...like what sorry??
?Is Amalgam on his way??
-?He?s going too??
?And is Ferlick too??
-?Impossible! Ferlick does not exist. ferlick has vanished in the darkness of the unknown.?
?Then he must of??
-?What??
?Existed.?


And the diagram was gone.
And Steppe is Amalgam.
And Ferlick was gone.


You know, after really taking a look through that again, I'm going to have to completely disagree with my original statement. It's very good, and I read it through a couple more times, and realized nothing is really cliche'd at all.

I don't know why i said that originally. It's very good nonetheless
And if ever You come near, I will hold up high a mirror.
Lord, I could never show you anything as beautiful as You.
#21
Once again, kickass writing dude.
It seems kinda....slaughterhouse 5ish, but even more surreal.


SCHISM

Behind the paternal grasp of a rasping hand, clutching the revised edition of the New York Times, was Steppe. Resolutely respondent to the question posed circa his stroll and apparent terminus, here at Temporal Square, he, at last, penned an answer to the un-chartered no-mans land that was; 7 down, - ?If one were to say, loose their head. Let your feet do the talking.?, ?r-a-m-b-l-e? was drafted to defend its boarders against the marauding advances of 4 and 5 across, not only aiming to plunder its pacifistic vowels, ambush its ambiguous meaning and peasantry undertones, but eviscerate its very soul, like all good wars should.


I love the vocab here, it fits so neatly with the whole crossword theme. and the contrast between the grandiosity of the wording and the mundanity of an old mans crossword is just magic.


He glances to his watch, momentarily pausing to canvas his skin; vales of liverspots veil a tattoo dedicated to his late wife, and Natasha, and Sasha; not his daughters.

a simple sentence, but it gives insight into the character.

Again he momentarily pauses to periodically cover the cobblestone under-foot, admiring the craftsmanship not only in the grounds apparent un-evenness, but his physique too, especially at a sprightly 88. A disparate observation at best. But, one that had to be made in order for you to ascertain his character, or at least a facet of said disposition.

?I?m late.? Ferlick squalled. ?Circumstances arose; they won?t question you for meeting like this??
-?Lord no, they?d never second guess me! So you have brought Patina??
?She?s on her way.?
-?So she?s going too??
?Aye, and is Amalgam??
-?Impossible! Amalgam does not exist. amalgam has vanished in the darkness of the unknown.?
?Then he must have??
-?What??
?Existed.?

Behind the peeked ridge of his haphazard Beret; solidified into their sockets, Ferlick?s eyes transfixed upon a diagram adjacent to the apparent battlefield crossword, from what he could make out a half open door paved the foundation, beyond it nothingness, darkness, the unknown. Across the door a line directed right to left connected what appeared to be scribbled a black-hole and a clock-face, the numerals on which scribed backwards, or upside down. Beside it hastily scrawled another door, this time shut. Finally beneath the first incision another lay parallel, this line guided left to right through the open door and into the nothingness.
And with a twitch of his eyebrow and a blink, the diagram disappeared; ?are you alright my child?? Steppe crowed. ?Yes, yes,? rubbing his eyes; ?I?m?.I?.I?..? And Steppe too had vanished.
Mystified, Ferlick planted himself onto the bench and intertwined his fingers around each other, and then his legs. It wasn?t a disparate observation he had made, he knew so. Sitting with his hands defending his face he vainly attempts to reconstruct what he saw, thinking so hard veins begin to swell, his pen a sphincter. Until it burst from the pen, flowing red ink, and the diagram steadily appeared on the paper beside the crossword, only pausing momentarily to spy a liverspot upon his arm, covering his ?Tabula Rasa? tattoo, rarely seen on anyone as young as he. And with a final stroke the diagram was complete, as scrawny drawn as Steppes was.


This previous paragraphs can only be described as a head****. a well written head**** but a head**** none the less.

?I?m late.? A voice squalled. ?Circumstances arose; they won?t question you for meeting like this?"
-?Heavens no...like what sorry??
?Is Amalgam on his way??
-?He?s going too??
?And is Ferlick too??
-?Impossible! Ferlick does not exist. ferlick has vanished in the darkness of the unknown.?
?Then he must of??
-?What??
?Existed.?

And the diagram was gone.
And Steppe is Amalgam.
And Ferlick was gone.


Reflecting, it reads like one big Evening Standard 'cryptic clue' which fits the themes like the trousers of a man with five penises (like a glove).

I dont know exactly what to make of this. The wording and pace is fantastic, and the whole idea is very, very intriguing. its also got a sort of donnie darko open endedness to it which i love (are these curcumstances on a neverending loop, or do they actually stop existing?)

If theres more i would love to read it

nice one

peace out
--------------------i'm definitely the alphaest male here--------------------
#22
Yes theres more, soon.

And as for the neverending cycle idea, you'll have to wait and see, I'm using a foundation of little bits of info. all tying together. Temporal Square being one. The research is unfortunatly time consuming. I can actually see this turning into a series, like a UG soap. maybe.

Thank you to everyone, I should have got all but 1 of the crits done.
puck I've tried doing urs but it wont let me send it, so i'll try in the morning, thanks for the crit. you're too kind.

peACE
Filth, pure filth... That's what you are.