#1
I wrote this a couple of day ago, and edited it last night, so, here goes. I do crit for crit too.


Verse 1
The girl I've admired,
From across the hall
Came over and spoke with me, Today

We started talking
About everything
I didn?t choke up, or start to fall

I was so glad she
Was talking to me
I hoped to hell, it wasn?t a dream

Then she asked me
If I wanted to go over
To her house, how the hell could I say no?!


Chorus:
I've been waiting for this moment
Since I first laid eyes on you
I've been wanting to ask you out
But I've never followed through

Now it's you approaching me
Is this really happ-en-ing?
Somebody pinch me, Am I awake?
This is just so, a-maz-ing


Verse 2:

It's like we've known
Each other forever
But we've never really connected together

All my pathetic attempts
To make small talk
To be imbedded in your mind and be worth a thought

Pre Chorus:
I've been etching a place
inside your mind
through your unbreakable safe
I will never find


Chorus
I've been waiting for this moment
Since I first laid eyes on you
I've been wanting to ask you out
But I've never followed through

Now it's you approaching me
Is this really happ-en-ing?
Somebody pinch me, am I awake?
This is just so, a-maz-ing


Bridge:
It's around 1 in the morning
And our breathing's getting heavy
Our body's drenched in sweat,
I?m living my long lost wish

I open my weary eyes
and stare into darkness
and I finally relaised
I just received my pinch


Chorus:
I've been wishing for that moment
Since I first laid eyes on you
I still want to ask you out
And I'll still never follow through

It wasn?t you approaching me
I wasn?t really hap-en-ing
I got my pinch, I wasn?t awake
Realising that, it was all a dream
Quote by NAME GOES HERE


Did you see what I did there? I made fun of his mom!
#2
good stuff dude. i absolutely suck at writing songs. a couple of lines are usually good, but its all down hill from there. all ****. lol. keep it up
L E T S G O F U C K I N C R A Z Y ! ! ! !



#3
it's absolutely conversational in some parts and much like a narrative building up to the conclusion like any story would be. the pinch me i must b dreaming sounds like an interesting expression btw and the used here captivates ur amazement well. but try to use a wide vocab and sentence structure to make it sound exceptional. over all, the verses could've made a great dialogue too. just follow some of the tips i gave u and u'll b all set. keep it up!
#4
I liked it, but only if it was a semi fast/fast song.
if it was a slow song i don't think its expressed quite well enough.
i guess what i'm trying to say is i sung it slowish, but couldnt get a very good melody.
so what type song is it?
#5
it's not bad, really casual writing, almost like a narrative, which isn't a bad thing. I think it has potential, so you should keep working on it. the only part i really had a problem with was... "how the hell could i say no?" that just doesnt sound like it belongs
Genocidal club #3. i was promised respect....

Cuando moría; Vi todo cerca de mí, todo lejos de mí, y todo adentro de mí. El cielo fue abierto, y en oblivio, me olvidé.
#6
You have written a very impactful piece here. What I mean is what guy hasn't felt like the narrarotor in your song? You have written sometihing that a lot of people can connect to. For someone reason the simplicity of the lyrics reminded me of those early Beatles' songs.

Charade of Vultures
#8
im sorry i think its a bit forced sounding at parts.

like at

It's like we've known
Each other forever
But we've never really connected together

All my pathetic attempts
To make small talk
To be imbedded in your mind and be worth a thought

i just dont think it flows well. overall its decent though, sounds like itd fit nicely in a blink-182ish vein
Member #57 of The Weezer Fan Club