#1
APPARITION OF LOVE

Prayers won?t make you mine
I bow before God
Though in my own eyes
You are more divine
What brought me to this place
And of my own accord
Bound by shackles and chains
Imprisoned by your grace

Scripted tales about how life should be
I can?t open my eyes
But do I really want to see

Can you feel in the heart
What exists only in the mind
If it?s so wrong
Why does it feel so right
I desire nothing more
Than to fall in your every orifice

You star in the lead role
In a melodrama I scribed
Smiling, I sell my soul
For your love, it's well worth the toll
Oh, queen of the woeful serenade
The apparition of love won't return
From where it came
Dreams of you still remain


Scripted tales about how life should be
I can?t open my eyes
But do I really want to see

Can you feel in the heart
What exists only in the mind
If it?s so wrong
Why does it feel so right
I desire nothing more
Than to fall in your every orifice
Last edited by themarsvolta at Aug 23, 2006,
#2
spirituality and love. sometimes it makes a killer combo. but some of the spiritual part is cliched. the rest is great
#3
ya you got a killer piece going here keep writing could you crit me piece forever night stand thanks peace
#4
thats relly good. i'm thinking along the lines of acoustic correct me if i'm wrong, but it sounds very acousticy. one more thing the ohly thing i didnt like was these lines in tthe chorus

If it?s so wrong
Why does it feel so right

just a little cliche for me other than that great
#5
great love song here, some parts cliched, as already pointed out. but i still liked it and i liked that ABCADEFD sceme, original, if i saw it right.
#6
Wow. Great job. The first stanza is breathtaking.


Prayers won?t make you mine
I bow before God
Though in my own eyes
You are more divine


That part of the first stanza is the exact same idea that I've been trying to write for a while now. You got to it first, and worded it very well. lol, crap, now it's plagarism if I write something like that .

What I would imagine the chorus to be (the second and third stanza that are repeated again at the end) is cliche. The "chorus" is very cliche but it is worded well and completes the piece. I, personally, don't have any changes recommended, because the chorus needs to be clear and concise, and being cliche isn't really too big of a problem in the chorus. The originality of the verses makes up for it.

The other stanzas are just like the first, very good. Great job mixing spiritual, mental, emotional, and physical all together. This is a breath taking piece.

I don't want to try to inject this with an idea that you don't like, but when I read this it made me think of "I Love You More Than Life" by Neutral Milk Hotel. I don't know if that's the style you're going for. I just thought I'd say that.

Could you please crit one of mine from my sig?
Last edited by lespaul_rentals at Aug 25, 2006,
#7
"Can you feel in the heart
What exists only in the mind
If it’s so wrong
Why does it feel so right"

That's often used, but never cliche. Good job, what kind of music is it for?