#1
mkay im reposting this cause i edited it so take a look. leave me a link and ill crit yours righ taway.


beneath the foxhole


foxes are hiding in the tea trees drinking in all of their prosperity. their jars full now with nickels and sense, and I think they're wising up to the whole 'endangered species' scam. we can't hide for too long without being found, in your sister's clothes or with a boy you barely know. so if you would just build me a ladder, or throw me a rope. I could get down from this tree, and know what its like to feel joy.
cause for so long I've been buried beneath this foxhole, covered with dirt and worms head to toe. and since the last time i saw you,
you've spoiled and now you're rotten but still the apple of my eye. you've spoiled and now you're rotten but still the apple of my eye.
I will sing praise the wormhole and rejoice my sight, you, the apple of my eye.
#2
Quite nice. I think the repetition near the end wasn't really very effective.
Punctuation - I can't understand why you've put all those full stops in the piece. They seem out of place and as a result impact on the reader's view of the work in general.

Otherwise, it was fine. Nice one.
Last edited by CJW at May 21, 2006,
#5
I liked it, didn't make much sense to me but it was very original. good job
Genocidal club #3. i was promised respect....

Cuando moría; Vi todo cerca de mí, todo lejos de mí, y todo adentro de mí. El cielo fue abierto, y en oblivio, me olvidé.
#6
This was nice little piece, but that's the problem, it was little. It needs to be longer. Expand on that whole nature imagery you got going on their. I enjoyed reading it.

Charade of Vultures
#7
yeah i still plan on expandingg so ill most likely repost it when i do
ill get to all of yours tonight