#1
Crit for Crit

Spring Falls

At the end of the world we'll stand behind our windows,
As the hail storm tumbles through our homes.
Thunder will call and rumble our floors,
Only to make us appreciate our feet feel warm.

You'll turn from your stance and walk to the chair,
The road by my drive goes to the end of the Earth.
Wonder; "Am I melodramatic? Or thinking the truth?
Am I seeing lightning flash or headlights move?"


Wrote this in about 4 mins about 1 min ago. Not much to it but I'm quite pleased looking at the kind of image I've got in it.
#3
To be honest, the only feasible manner in which you could improve this piece, involves the removal of the stock imagery that you appear to have employed. In other words, obscure the obvious metaphors that allude to both desperation and fear.

For example:

?As the hail storm tumbles through our homes.
Thunder will call and rumble our floors,?

Despite the fact that such a scene does not imply a physical storm, it still remains at once both overused and underdeveloped; something that can be easily avoided through the use of less obvious metaphors. Nevertheless, rhythmically it was sound, and the phrasing was concise; so good luck, and ignore the conjecture.
Incisive inklings of proper piss are unsuited for the quill…
Last edited by HendrixEdge at May 21, 2006,
#4

Spring Falls

At the end of the world we'll stand behind our windows,
As the hail storm tumbles through our homes.
Thunder will call and rumble our floors,
Only to make us appreciate our feet feel warm.

Good. Very nice writing.

You'll turn from your stance and walk to the chair,
The road by my drive goes to the end of the Earth.
Wonder; "Am I melodramatic? Or thinking the truth?
Am I seeing lightning flash or headlights move?"

Truth and move seem a bit dodgy, but I think you can get away with it.


I enjoyed it. Well written and carefully worded- a pleasure to read.

I'd appreciate it if you could leave a line or two for my newest one, please follow the top link in my sig.
#5
Just as you would, we'll stand behind our windows,
As the hail storm tumbles through our homes.
Thunder will call and rumble our floors,
Only to make us appreciate our feet feel warm.

You'll turn from your stance and walk to the chair,
The road by the drive goes to the end of the Earth.
Wonder; "Am I melodramatic? Or thinking the truth?
Am I seeing lightning flash or headlights move?"


Aite, well, my intention wasn't actually conveyed it seems, so I've changed the first line for now, but I'm seeing this needs alot of work. Hendrix, I saw what you meant about the metaphor but this is actually about a real storm. So I've changed the first line to be a bit more, down to earth?