#1
crit for crit
fresh piece

Friendly Encounters With Bears (The Forest Fire)
We've been running for hours
miles upon miles.
and the horizon is slowly swallowing up
the oceans
and lakes
and streams
and highways
and balconies.

Backseat driving
and backseat prophecies.
We might be a cliche
or we might be truth,
a sliver of light from
the crack beneath your door.
Fact proven true
Lying awake during
an inferno
is nothing to
be ashamed of.

i would rather staple my own hands to a train, than pray on knees that judge and blame.
Last edited by zeldar at May 21, 2006,
#2
i thought it was really coul i didnt really like the end of the first verse but it could change or you coudl keep it

could you crit my piece the reaper and me thanks dude nice piece later
#3
Friendly Encounters With Bears (The Forest Fire)
We've been running for hours
miles upon miles.
and the horizon is slowly swallowing up
the oceans
and lakes
and streams
and highways
and balconies.

the imagery is really nice in this first stanza =) i think it could be strengthened and made to flow a bit better into itself if it were worded something like this: we've been running so long;/ hour after hour,/ mile upon mile,/ and the horizon is swallowing up/ the oceans/ and lakes,/ the streams/ and highways/ and balconies/. however, i reall ydo like it =)

Backseat driving
and backseat prophecies.
We might be a cliche
or we might be truth,
a sliver of light from
the crack beneath your door.
Fact proven true
Lying awake during
an inferno
is nothing to
be ashamed of.

again, i like the imagery in this stanza =D i have no real suggestions for this part, i think it's nice. maybe move the "to" from the second last line onto the last one, but i dont know how you would perform this piece, so the way you have it may flow better =) nice piece zeldar!
#5
hah, thanks for the crit man. I've always liked a certain chopiness to the flow of m pieces though, but, i'll take your comment into consideration, i'm gonna go back and find all my old pieces and edit them and change the, essentially just make them better
i would rather staple my own hands to a train, than pray on knees that judge and blame.
#6
lol liked the subtle bolding

We've been running for hours
miles upon miles.
and the horizon is slowly swallowing up
the oceans
and lakes
and streams
and highways
and balconies.

This is a great opening, but y'know what'd IMO make it sound a little better? If on the very end you tagged an extra line: "and apartments" or something. Cos, the way I see it, you're starting off with the big and working downwards, working homewards. I mean, you start off with the horizon. Aight. Then you make your way backward, to the oceans, then smaller, to the lakes, then smaller still, the streams, then you're moviung up into the towns and come to the highways, then you get finally abck to perhaps where it all starts with the balconies of a house. or apartment. ANd this is why I think you should include "and apartments" in there. But tis up to you of course

Backseat driving
and backseat prophecies.
We might be a cliche
or we might be truth,
a sliver of light from
the crack beneath your door.
Fact proven true
Lying awake during
an inferno
is nothing to
be ashamed of.

I love the way you say "we're either cliche or truth" basically. Like saying "cliches are fake" xD it's great, seriously good stuff.

this is a great second stanza, and I have nothing to comment on other than the faact I really like it.

this piece has a somewhat unfinished feelnig about it though. it jsut doens't feel complete. do you have any plans to add to it or is it staying as this?

good job man, I really enjoyed this
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#7
Quote by jallas
lol liked the subtle bolding

We've been running for hours
miles upon miles.
and the horizon is slowly swallowing up
the oceans
and lakes
and streams
and highways
and balconies.

This is a great opening, but y'know what'd IMO make it sound a little better? If on the very end you tagged an extra line: "and apartments" or something. Cos, the way I see it, you're starting off with the big and working downwards, working homewards. I mean, you start off with the horizon. Aight. Then you make your way backward, to the oceans, then smaller, to the lakes, then smaller still, the streams, then you're moviung up into the towns and come to the highways, then you get finally abck to perhaps where it all starts with the balconies of a house. or apartment. ANd this is why I think you should include "and apartments" in there. But tis up to you of course

Backseat driving
and backseat prophecies.
We might be a cliche
or we might be truth,
a sliver of light from
the crack beneath your door.
Fact proven true
Lying awake during
an inferno
is nothing to
be ashamed of.

I love the way you say "we're either cliche or truth" basically. Like saying "cliches are fake" xD it's great, seriously good stuff.

this is a great second stanza, and I have nothing to comment on other than the faact I really like it.

this piece has a somewhat unfinished feelnig about it though. it jsut doens't feel complete. do you have any plans to add to it or is it staying as this?

good job man, I really enjoyed this


well, it might be unfinished. I'm not really sure, if it needs it, or i think of something good to add in, i'll extend it, but for right now its as is, but i will most likely go back and edit it.

Thanks for the great crit.
i would rather staple my own hands to a train, than pray on knees that judge and blame.