#1
generally speaking,
people don't want the facts of their being
just their beliefs.
that's fine with me
I find that just.
I don't want to know what
our love was made of.

in most instances we sat around,
holding hands, doing nothing
the mystic sunrise of our impossible being.
I spent plenty of time
listening to the quiet
implications of your body
the stubborn mutterings of your stomach
your yawns continuous, like waves rolling, back and forth, slowly

with all the negativity of this symbolic imagery
you'd think I'd have done something
and why didn't I?
fear of prospect of things changing
or possibility of possessing that inability?
it's hard to say
in any case, either way,
for whatever reason
I took no action
then- well, you know what happened.
(waiting for the blind-brilliant moment
of our crushing sunset
all we got were two wet sticks,
in the woods, trying to stay lit)

it wasn't all bad.
not by any means
sometimes our lips would stick
and your heart would beat
like hummingbird wings

was it the electricity that drove your body crazy?
I know it did to me
and you had to help me with remembering
that though with you
I could not feel hungry
I still had to eat.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#2
Quote by less than that
generally speaking,
people don't want the facts of their being
just their beliefs.
that's fine with me
I find that just.
I don't want to know what
our love was made of.


-eh, I have nothing against it but it could be a stronger opening. something that grabs the reader/listeners attention from the start

in most instances we sat around,
holding hands, doing nothing
the mystic sunrise of our impossible being.
I spent plenty of time
listening to the quiet
implications of your body
the stubborn mutterings of your stomach
your yawns continuous, like waves rolling, back and forth, slowly


-This bit I like, nice imagery and very well worded.

with all the negativity of this symbolic imagery
you'd think I'd have done something
and why didn't I?
fear of prospect of things changing
or possibility of possessing that inability?
it's hard to say
in any case, either way,
for whatever reason
I took no action
then- well, you know what happened.
(waiting for the blind-brilliant moment
of our crushing sunset
all we got were two wet sticks,
in the woods, trying to stay lit)


-interesting to say the least but still damn good

it wasn't all bad.
not by any means
sometimes our lips would stick
and your heart would beat
like hummingbird wings


-I don't like the "hummingbird wings" for some reason i think it should say something like
"it wasn't all bad.
not by any means
sometimes our lips would stick
and your heart would skip a beat"

was it the electricity that drove your body crazy?
I know it did to me
and you had to help me with remembering
that though with you
I could not feel hungry
I still had to eat.


-once again it doesn't sit well with me. and i screwed up reading it cause of what i thought it should say. Maybe it was just the flow but try something like:
"was it the electricity that drove you body crazy
I know it did to me
All you had to do
Was help me with remembering
that though with you
I could never feel hungry
I still had to eat"


crit me please https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=361536
Last edited by chloroformkisme at May 22, 2006,
#3
sometimes our lips would stick
and your heart would skip a beat
"

Don't change it to that, please.
I've got a bad liver and a broken heart. I drank me a river since you tore me apart.
#4
Yeah, listen to MissMaryMack. That's not a very good idea. I really didn't like the last stanza, I would probably just rewrite it but that's just my opinion. The reference of the eating thing just sounds cheesey (no pun intended).

crit me please, http://ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=363777
Quote by darkstar2466
Who is responsible for bring back a thread from Two Thousand motherfucking Six?

*holds a paddle in hand, ready for whacking*
Last edited by Wilber at May 22, 2006,
#5
Hey, I'm glad to see you've clearly thought far more carefully abut this piece than your other recent ones.
Although on a similar subject, this piece has the more-involved feeling that I hoped you would produce.

As a result, I don't have to say much. The theme isn't to my personal tastes, but the way in which you've expressed your feelings makes it a compelling read still.

Overall, a definite improvement, and well done.
#7
thanks, thanks. I'm not going to make that change.

I'm glad you guys think there's been progression in my work, I know I was dissapointing you as well as myself and I hope this is the first in a series of steps towards a better plateau.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in