#1
Came out to a Thursday street
I never grew up on,
Pacing myself to walk the line
And it's gone.


Sitting down for some hot chocolate,
Skimming through a flashy magazine -
"Looking for a band to realise my words;
A lonely poet, up in Golders Green."


A desperate ad is selling a guitar,
For a third of what it cost the heart to buy;
"A boyfriend wanted," Somewhere near Marble Arch,
"Ability to teleport is what I look for in a guy."


The skies are sweating rain once more
And I know that it won't clear this mark of Cain,
On the coldest day I've ever felt
Under this ever-grey November reign.
This is not a pipe
#2
I would love to fully crit it, but I've been doing that alot lately, and, well, I think i'll leave this one to someone else. sorry.

But I will give you someting. I loved it all but the first stanza. I think the other three were great. The personal ad bit in the third stanza was fantastically funny, and overall, I think you've done a great job.

Maybe change that first verse so it fits with the flow and character of the rest?

Kepp it up, loved it.

Would be great if you could return the favour and crit my newest lyrics- just follow the top link in my sig.
#4
Sorry Connor, homage is for the songs that are mentioned in my piece. Did you get some of them?
This is not a pipe
#5
Came out to a Thursday street
I never grew up on,
Pacing myself to walk the line
And it's gone.

This is a really interesting opening. I say interesting, because it's very mysterious and I can't be sure quite where you'll be going with this. I really like the way this sounds, it just feels really complete and neat and perfect. Something about it is really... I don't know the right word, but it jsut all fits togetehr eprfectly, if you get what I mean?


Sitting down for some hot chocolate,
Skimming through a flashy magazine -
"Looking for a band to realise my words;
A lonely poet, up in Golders Green."

This also sounds very good, I'm getting the idea here of perhaps wealth yet isolation; hvaing everything yet nothing. I don't know. I like the way you keep it ambiguous, so I can make up my own mind


A desperate ad is selling a guitar,
For a third of what it cost the heart to buy;
"A boyfriend wanted," Somewhere near Marble Arch,
"Ability to teleport is what I look for in a guy."

Now developing into the more abstract forms of art. This flows really nice and presents some great ideas not only to read about but to think about. Sorry for this turnnig out to be such a rubbish and slack crit but I dunno what to suggest for improvements or whatever lol.


The skies are sweating rain once more
And I know that it won't clear this mark of Cain,
On the coldest day I've ever felt
Under this ever-grey November reign.

well I read that you wrote this as a homage to some works. Definitely clear in this last stanza, and it sets one off thinking about the previous stanzas too. The last 2 lines have a definite closing "touch" to them, and sound really good for this piece as a whole.

Bah I dunno. I liked this, and it was good. But I don't have anything real to say about it, I don't have any suggestions as for improvements

As I said, I do like it and it is good, buut... I also have to say, I didn't like it so much as perhaps some of your other work.

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