#1
This was my first song, but i have re-written it. Its slightly longer and (hopefully) better worded. Im crit for crit guys, as always =p (even if you say mine sux)

She faked a smile,
He told her where to go,
and taught her things, she needn't know.
A heavy burden,
Glad it's not mine,
It belongs to those who killed Caroline..

I'm sorry Caroline, that's the way it is
They handed you in - didn't think they'd miss
They made you the most broken girl iv'e ever met
Except now i promise you - they will never forget


What was the problem?
there was nothing wrong with you..
You had a servant heart - so they told you what to do
Theyr taunts and rotten rumours,
Black and white lies,
Guilt will get them in the end - the tears in their eyes..

Do you regret, what you cant forget? Was she in your way was she an obsticle?
You plead not guilty, you are all responsible...
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


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#2
I really enjoyed this one, it has a lot to say and it has very expressive lyrics. My fav. part is the first verse. Perfect rhyme and it sets the whole mood.
#3
i agree the first verse is quality, great diction
she was born in spring,but i was born to late..........blame it on a simple twist of fate
#4
Thankyou for the crits guys =p much appreciated!
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#5
I really like this song. I like songs who use people's name in it, they feel more personal (ex: Laura Laurent by Bright Eyes-maybe it's only because my name is laura thats why i love the song) but still none the les i think it's brilliant, sheer brilliant. 10/10 from me.
#6
Good stuff. Nice rhyming, nice feel.

I like how you go from third to first person. As if you get more personal as the song progresses. At the end you finally speak to her directly. Nice subtle touch. I like songs with names too, for some reason. I agree with above.
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Last edited by wolfrage at May 23, 2006,
#7
Wow thanks guys. I tryed to make the song really personal even though i didnt experience it first hand. It was actually from a programme i watched about bullies who bet her up..and then one day she just went missing then someone found her dead. But it was never known who killed caroline.
It really affected me for some reason and i tryed to see it from everyones perspective.
Thankyou so much to everyone thats critted =p
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#8
Not quite my style, but very well written... throw in some great power-ballad guitar solos and it could definitely go somewhere!
You know the bitter comes out better on a stolen guitar
You're the BLESSED, we're the Spiders from Mars!

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#9
She faked a smile,
He told her where to go,
and taught her things, she needn't know.
A heavy burden,
Glad it's not mine,
It belongs to those who killed Caroline..
A very nice opening, grabs you straight away. The structure serves the text, the words are becoming. All in all, great start.

I'm sorry Caroline, that's the way it is
They handed you in - didn't think they'd miss
They made you the most broken girl iv'e ever met
Except now i promise you - they will never forget
Seems to me you need another verse before this. I assume this is the part you added, and I do like it, but it needs to be arranged differently in my opinion. The immediate repetition of "Caroline" bugged me but I did like your wording and thought this would be pretty catchy as a song.

What was the problem?
there was nothing wrong with you..
You had a servant heart - so they told you what to do
Theyr taunts and rotten rumours,
Black and white lies,
Guilt will get them in the end - the tears in their eyes..
Hmm... This stanza was forgetable. I read the song as a whole and the when I started critting it I didn't even remember this one. It's alright, there's just nothing in it. It felt like something to fill the song a little. You had nice original expressions in the stanzas before, I think this one still needs some work.

Do you regret, what you cant forget? Was she in your way was she an obsticle?
You plead not guilty, you are all responsible...
I thought this was a bit kitsch. However, if this was to be put the right way to music, it could work quite well.

Very enjoyable reading. This was a fun one. I think it would make a good song.

If you wouldn't mind to crit mine: Homage

Carmel
This is not a pipe
#10
Black and white lies,
Guilt will get them in the end - the tears in their eyes

nicely done!!

A heavy burden,
Glad it's not mine,
It belongs to those who killed Caroline..

i like this part, nice flow and rhymes

keep it up!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
without music ,life would be a mistake- nietzsche

i'm not distorted, i'm just fuzzy
#11
all in all a strong 8 of 10
without music ,life would be a mistake- nietzsche

i'm not distorted, i'm just fuzzy
#12
She faked a smile,
He told her where to go,
and taught her things, she needn't know.
A heavy burden,
Glad it's not mine,
It belongs to those who killed Caroline..
A good way to begin the song, but in some lines like 3, maybe get rid of some words if you want to put it in a song. I wouldn't use 'and..' but that's because I try not to use that word very much. Maybe it is just me, but it seems cumbersome. Maybe use He instead of And? He seems much stronger because it refers to whoever "he" is.


I'm sorry Caroline, that's the way it is
They handed you in - didn't think they'd miss
They made you the most broken girl iv'e ever met
Except now i promise you - they will never forget
I liked the last two lines quite a bit, especially the broken part. It evokes some sympathy on the readers part. Though, when I say it to myself, using "Yet" instead of "Except" in the last line brings more of a prophetizing feel, I guess you could say. It kind of brings the song to a point, but once more that is just me. Although I do agree with Carmel_l in that the repetition of Caroline seems somewhat redundant at least at this part.

What was the problem?
there was nothing wrong with you..
You had a servant heart - so they told you what to do
Their taunts and rotten rumours,
Black and white lies,
Guilt will get them in the end - the tears in their eyes..
I don't think there's anything wrong in this verse. In a way it's my favourite, especially the very last line, the 'tears in their eyes..." part.

Do you regret, what you cant forget? Was she in your way was she an obsticle?
You plead not guilty, you are all responsible...
Once more a really good line. There's a little bit of wisdom in the question that is the first sentence (do you regret...), but if there was one thing I'd change, it would be to take these two lines and turn them into four, starting after every sentence end and after the "guilty" part in the second line and add a "But" in front of the 'you are all responsible' bit.

Overall, good song
#13
Thankyou muchly. I see what you guys are getting at with the repatition of "caroline" but in all honesty i couldnt think of anything else!! hah.
Thankyou for all the positive responses and thanks for the honesty - i appreciate it.
xx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#15
you commented on mine so i will yours. I like it, mostly like everybody else i think the first verse is the best. I can tell this caroline story really effected you. And the rhyming is way better than mine. Keep it up
#16
This is a really nice piece. It's kind of cool how you were able to take a story that's totally unrelated to you and then work it into a first hand experiance. So story content alone is good. The rhymes worked nicely. Some people said you used Caroline too much, but I disagree. Nobody yells at Anthony Kiedis for using california so many times. Good work.
#17
I really liked this.
I basically agree with most of the above comments-
Great rhythm, and an effective ending.
I don't think there was too much 'caroline' either.
#19
Thankyou everybody for your nice crits! To: sinsan90,Bigmouth,Partyboy2k05 Zoso5115 Jammydude44, BurgundySky kaalings carmel_l...Fadingroots...etc...

Its much appreciated =p
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#20
it's pretty good, kinda skips around what you're talking about but it all comes together in some sort of indirect way. I like it, 8/10
"there is a man...
playing a violin...
and the strings...
are the veins in his own arm."
#21
=P thanks muchly
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#22
Quote by franz.d.

She faked a smile,
He told her where to go,
and taught her things, she needn't know. I think it flows better if you say 'and taught her things she didn't need to know'
A heavy burden,
Glad it's not mine,
It belongs to those who killed Caroline..

I'm sorry Caroline, that's the way it is
They handed you in - didn't think they'd miss
This really sounds like you're trying too hard to rhyme, although it almost works. What did they miss?
They made you the most broken girl iv'e ever met
Except now i promise you - they will never forget

That's an interesting last line, I kind of like it, the thought of you avenging her death is what I got from it, quite strongly.

What was the problem?
there was nothing wrong with you..
You had a servant heart - so they told you what to do
Theyr taunts and rotten rumours,
Black and white lies,
Guilt will get them in the end - the tears in their eyes..

Do you regret, what you cant forget? Was she in your way was she an obsticle?
You plead not guilty, you are all responsible...


The rest is fine, just spell check it and you should be good, there's so many little typos and spelling mistakes I'm not gonna point them all out. That's not an offensive comment, just a true one, spell check, it'll add to the strength. Overall I gave it a 7/10, pretty good. Thanks for your comment.
#23
Hhaha yeah thankyou. Im not the best speller. I appreciate your crit, and the line "...now i promise you they will never forget" is kind of meant to signify taking revenge on the people that did it. However, its more to do with the fact that guilt and regret wont ever leave them.
Thankyou again for thee crits guys =p
xx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.