#1
to answer your question
as to why I haven't written
about our relationship
let me ask you this:
you know of any alchemists
that start with gold?
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#4
I like the concept. Not bad. Original.
Gestating with all the other rats
Nurse said that my skin will need a graft I am of pockmarked shapes
The vermin you need to loathe
-The Mars Volta
#5
love the idea portrayed here.

"alchemists starting with gold"... very original and beautiful

one tiny thing though: personally I'd put "alchemists who start with gold" rather than "that", cos like, usually with people it's "who" and objects it's "that". no biggie, just a subtle improvement IMO

good job man.
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#6
one tiny thing though: personally I'd put "alchemists who start with gold" rather than "that", cos like, usually with people it's "who" and objects it's "that". no biggie, just a subtle improvement IMO


I wouldn't. If that's the way you speak, and say that phrase, then (even if it is grammatically incorrect) I'd keep it. Keeps it nice and colloquial, your style.
#7
even if you say it it doesnt sound right to me
Quote by Kensai
Maybe you've heard what the ladies say: "Once you go 77mm you don't go back"
#8
I would PAY you to let me use that.

...If I had any money that is. Hmph.
You know the bitter comes out better on a stolen guitar
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#9
This is a nice idea, but nothing more. I'm sure you could do a lot more in your work if you tried to.

However, as a short sentiment, it's just fine.
#10
even if you say it it doesnt sound right to me


Yeh I know. But I bet it's how he speaks.
#11
it is how I speak, thank you, and I'm not going to change it, although I'm sure you're correct.


Quote by CJW
This is a nice idea, but nothing more. I'm sure you could do a lot more in your work if you tried to.

However, as a short sentiment, it's just fine.

this is true, I can, have, will. I even thought of expanding this but came to the conclusion that would be completely ludicrous. this is all I have to say on the topic.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#12
I like, I like. I love the last line. I agree with ljallas though, i think it sounds better as who instead of that. Upon first reading it, I thought it was just a typical lovey-college song, but the last bit really gives it a feel. Crit my songs if you can
. https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=5664379#post5664379
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#13
eh short and nice. Iliked it and the alchemist thing was clever.
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#14
I liked it and it would be good if u formed it into a longer song... and i agree with jallas... it sounds better with "who" instead of "that" but thats just my opinion... u stay with what u think is better..
Crit mine https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?p=5665708#post5665708
Quote by ibaRGnes321

My grandma gives me the stranges things.

Last year for my birthday she got me soap on a rope. SOAP ON A ROPE! I have no idea what possessed her to do this.she was completely serious about it too.
#15
thanks, yeah.

I don't mean to sound ungrateful but I'm probably not going to read/crit your pieces. I might but probably not.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in
#16
very clever this could really go somewhere. i'd like to see it as a full length song

crit for a crit please?
Jeremiah The Run-Away
Subtitles Required (When I'm Mute)

Your Perfect Murder (My Suicide)
#19
I love it! like Jallas said, original and beautiful. Good job.
#20
Quote by less than that
to answer your question
as to why I haven't written
about our relationship
let me ask you this:
you know of any alchemists
that start with gold?


I admit it, I was interested. I even looked up the word alchemist just to make sure that I was catching the meaning on the flip side of correct. And after reading it a second time with the actual definition of the word, I was again impressed. Would I have posted it? No. And the reason is cause you are right, there is nothing else to say on the subject. It can't really be lengthened for fear of losing the strength of such a short peice. So really there is no crit you can give on this, except marking down another "great job", and what's the fun in telling someone how great their writing is? But good job. LOL.
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#21
Quote by aksuperstar
I admit it, I was interested. I even looked up the word alchemist just to make sure that I was catching the meaning on the flip side of correct. And after reading it a second time with the actual definition of the word, I was again impressed. Would I have posted it? No. And the reason is cause you are right, there is nothing else to say on the subject. It can't really be lengthened for fear of losing the strength of such a short peice. So really there is no crit you can give on this, except marking down another "great job", and what's the fun in telling someone how great their writing is? But good job. LOL.

that..that is a very good point. hmm.
love dead like a crushed fly

for those of you who said you'd be interested in hearing my lyrics put to music- I started work on recording an album, if you get in touch with me pm or otherwise I'd be more than happy to fill you in