#1
I think this one's my favourite out of my portfolio. still, putting it on here might make it better, surrounded by, er....proffesionals


Unknown
Who was born in the pouring rain?
Who was always the forgotten one?
Who was brought to bear by the cane?
Who was always told where to run?
Who was told he wasn?t good enough?
Who poured his heart out to the flayed?
Who showed them what he was made of?
Who saw his dreams when his son played?
Who was the first of that kind they had seen?
Who was made to slave by the day?
Who always said ?This isn?t what I could have been??
Who never had much faith either way?
Who was born without a name?
Who was born without a name?

critics welcome
#2
umm... i'm not really a big fan of this, to tell the truth. there's far too much repetition imo, and u might want to give some answers to all those questions. sorry this is not very helpful.. keep writin.

ana.
so who do i have to kill to get a crit? --> Memory


(e-cookie for whoever spots the alliteration, ha)


y cuando llegue el momento, sólo el viento se llevará lo que siento; y cuando acabe mi suerte, sólo en la muerte estaré fuerte y despierto...
#3
well, i suppose it is a bit too mysterious...that's why i like it, to be honest. i can see your point though. next time i'm gonna post a more structured song...y'know, with chorus and verses and ****. suppose it's kinda about taste
#5
i didn't really mean just the external structure, Jon-13. it's more to do with playin around with the wordin, changin the inner structure of lines, mybe givin ambiguous answers or just makin those same questions without needin a question mark every few words. dunno, just playin around with the whole thing. and mind u, i like free writin so don't think the problem i c in your piece is the lack of a verse-chorus-verse kind of structure

ana.
so who do i have to kill to get a crit? --> Memory


(e-cookie for whoever spots the alliteration, ha)


y cuando llegue el momento, sólo el viento se llevará lo que siento; y cuando acabe mi suerte, sólo en la muerte estaré fuerte y despierto...
#6
i don't think you should have approached it this way. i don't think every line should be a question. it really hinders the rhythm and it sounds unnatural.
Quote by HendrixEdge
My work will never be to the majority's tastes; and to be honest; I've no problem in accepting that.


If the doors of perception were cleansed, every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite.