#1
Heres a song about a girl in my class who commited suicide over the fact of chronic depression. She drowned herself and this is a work in progress.

Verse 1
Cut out the middle man and jump the fences,
Clouded mind with defensless depressions,
Just a mile from here is the black abyss,
From here to there you still exist,
If you say this makes you happy,
There I don't understand whats happening,
Keep this war inside your own head,
Don't listen to what people have said.

Chorus
Half past ten she waiting to leave,
Quarter past eleven she's got everyone decieved,
Five to twelve shes long gone,
Class of twenty three now, it all went wrong,
Secrets whisper within her skitzophrenic ears,
Nothing left not even a souvenior,
No note left not even any regrets,
She just asked if I could keep a secret.

Verse 2
No matter how many people are standing with you,
I can tell you still feel overdue,
Tell me what your feeling,
Thoughts stuck to the ceiling,
Tell me whats wrong,
All the time, all along,
Is that what I'm supposed to believe?
Theres no one here but people to leave.

Chorus (x1)

Bridge
Voices inside can be deceiving,
Thoughts of life and love already leaving,
Everywhere I go and everyone I've seen,
Doesn't know this wasn't a practiced scene,
Chew, choke or swallow everyone does it,
Get aroudn this bit by bit.

Chorus (x2)

Ending couplet
Try to remember what used to be the same
And don't ever forget her name.
Crit for crit as always.
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
Last edited by calvinthecanadi at Nov 19, 2006,
#3
wow man, this was really good, and deffinetely suitable for the cause, I really like it.

It's pretty meaningfull, and I can relate somewhat to this situation, so I feel rather connected to it, as i'm sure many people will be.

"Just a mile from here is the black abyss,
From here to there you still exist,"

"No matter how many people are standing with you,
I can tell you still feel overdue,"

Some really great lines here man, the only thing I really have a gripe on is the line
"Theres no one here but people to leave." It doesn't really do it for me, and doesn't make all that much sense, to me anyways.

Overall, this is really good, and my sympathies towards that girl and family/friends.

-
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=359699&highlight=indigo+carmine
#4
Thanks for telling me some of the problems with my song, by the way. I prefer criticism.

The first verse was well written, especially the last two lines, but the first line about the "middleman" seems unimportant to me.

The chorus had an iffy beginning. It just seems strange to tell the time in the first three lines, but I could see how that would work because it emphasizes the progression of the song in a real-time sort of way. Maybe just find some way to word it differently? The "class of twenty-three" and the line following that were awesome, and even though the word 'skitzophrenic' is a useful word in this context it is a little long. It really depends on how it is sung though so I can't really say how it would turn out.

I must say, the second verse really impressed me. Except for the "thoughts stuck to the ceiling" line which is out of place and too abstract for a song that doesn't have much abstract qualities, I thought this was a great second verse, especially following the chorus.

My favourite part of the song was the first two lines and the final line of the bridge. They were well executed and, even though I don't like long words in a song, the deceiving part fit like a glove. "Don't forget her name", I thought was the best way to end the song because it is very memorable and makes you want to remember her name. Find some way to put that as the last part of the song and you've got something, at least to me, is hit-quality. Overall, good song with more potential than it shows at first glance.
#5
Great song, some of the lines i don't think needed to be there
but yeah it's a great sounding song.
the chorus might be slightly too long though. just a thought
#6
I enjoyed this very much, it could use some refining but the flow is good and i'm glad you let in the little tid-bit of information about the song's history because by reading at first i wouldn't think it was about suicide. all in all great job dude. 9/10

crit for a crit?
Jeremiah The Run-Away
Subtitles Required (When I'm Mute)

Your Perfect Murder (My Suicide)
Ode to No One In Particular
#7
Thanks guys, I'll get to yours after school.
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
#8
Very good. I like every line, especially ''Tell me what you're feeling, thoughts stuck to the ceiling''. Nice!

Crit mine?

The Lighthouse
When I heard smoking would kill me, I bought shares in Dunhill and Marlboro - Thomas Geraghty

If we don't change it, nothing will fucking change.
#9
Now, calvin, where have i heard this before....?
Hahaha.
Brilliant. Love it.
Thanks :p
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#11
hey man this is pretty cool man, by the way thanks for checking mine out.

anyway, i love the flow you have going on here man, some of it seems slightly forced but it all works for me and sounds great, as you get to the chorus i simply love that part, i think i would just change the last line of the chorus from "She just asked me if I could keep a secret." to she asked if i could keep a secret. but that just me adds more to the flow you have going on, other than that i think it was a great piece man, nice write.
anybody wanna put anything here just let me know
#12
I liked it!
The rhymes in the 2nd verse sounded a bit forced but i loved the black abyss line.
Good job.
#13
Thanks for the nice reviews guys. :
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
#14
I like it. I honestly don't think that I would change it. The second verse might be a little too straight forward. The point is made well, but the whole song is kind of vague except for the second verse. I would try to make that verse a little more in depth. I hope you understood what I just wrote.
#15
Thanks Brad, I think I do!
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
#16
this is an awesome song, very deep. I like the first two lines of the bridge, they kind of wrap everything up. very cool.
thanks for your remarks on mine, very appreciated
#18
Thanks for the nice words guys. :
If The Archers Bows Have Broken, Then I Hope To God They Know How To Fight.
#19
i really liked the chorus, it's well-worded and all. i liked the schizophrenic ears thing and how you "made use of the time" in the 1st 3 lines.

good job! really nice song for a suicide cause.
#21
Quote by calvinthecanadi
Thanks Franzi.
I beg to differ calvin, i thank you
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.