#1
Hey im new i just figured id post one of my songs for a crit thanks

I like to watch my sin, being blown off in the wind,
pretend i make sense but im kidding myself again.
Because the truth is in, and its different,
Than what i thought was the end so for this goal i begin

I havent seen you in awhile, i see you still got my ring,
I still think of your smile when i look down at this plastic thing
Im locked in this dream with this reoccuring scene,
Where youve fallen for me but its not happening
Chorus:
Can I scribe it in the carpet with the thing that i confide in?
Can you read my mind upside down,
Can i control my hands, no
No i cant control my hands.

Verse 2
There is this game that i play, i take every word that you say,
Twist them around every way, till my souls not afraid.
Cause every day im away, i reminisce,
about the words that i miss and about the kisses unkissed.

And on my finger there is a callus, from the ring that wont break,
With every breath that i take, it keeps my world awake,
Just for your sake, ill look to the skys and let it burst in my eyes
Cause i see you in my lies

Chorus

Outro:
Dissolve into gold light as i make my way, my way back home to you.
I never would compromise the weight, of being alone with you. 2X


Please crit
Last edited by Zoso5115 at May 23, 2006,
#2
i'm sorry, but i hated the rhyming... you should try to ease up on it. try different rhyme schemes. use less noticeable rhymes too. and don't rhyme with the same word.
Quote by HendrixEdge
My work will never be to the majority's tastes; and to be honest; I've no problem in accepting that.


If the doors of perception were cleansed, every thing would appear to man as it is, infinite.
#3
I liked the second verse a lot, there was just a weird sense of personality to it. I dunno though, because I didn't like the rest. Like that guy said, work on a different rhyme scheme and don't rhyme with the same word.
#4
I had the same problem everyone else had about the rhyming. However, I think it was okay. You had a lot of good analogies. Only rhyme like that if it's rap or something like the RHCP's. In that case, do what ever the **** you want to.
#5
bloody fantastic.
Maybe im the only one that thinks so but i think it was class.
9andabitoutof10
crit mine? tis in my sig.
xx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#6
Hey thanks for the comments, thats my only song i rhyme like that sort of style, thats why i wanted to see what people think of it. Ill crit yours if u put it up