#1
How was my day? Well actually pretty cliche .
Except I was going to call you but froze up at seven twenty eight...
the last four digits ones I couldn't translate.
How was my night?
You showed up with the drama that would eventually turn into a full fledge fight.
But I love the way you looked in that dress...
Like you had been molested by attention you couldn't get.
All you are to me now is just a warm body under these sheets,
and it's a shoulder fetish that is the only thing preventing me from choking you and stabbing you
but apparently your leaving soon, so I don't have to.
And I guess it's just what I deserve.
You're leaving town but you can keep these words.
You don't mean a thing to me, but I am sure you don't know that,
because I just spent forty-five minutes telling you otherwise.
So just get out of this house before it's my fault.
How was my week? Bored, sarcastic and cheap.
You tried to call me; reluctantly I threw down the phone ...
which has come to be the best form a lying I ve ever known.
What a great gathering.
You were nowhere in sight and that's the part I liked.
So don't try calling you have been erased from my phone.
And if it says restricted I'll just assume that it's you.
All you are to me now is just a cold chalice through my eyes,
because I see you when I sleep,
knowing that you have crashed here so many times.
Wishing I wasn't so vulnerable, so tangible so capable of this nothingness,
a meaningless mess... that I sorely miss.
But I guess that s just what I deserve your leaving town
but you can keep these words.
You dont mean a thing to me, and now I know you know it.
Because I just spent four hours writing this and now sending it.
So just get out of this house before it's my fault.
Don t let me convince you that I am capable of marrying you.
I've got the taste of lies creaping at the roof of my mouth, should I spit them out and blame it on being sick?
Or should I swollow the past and forget about what I have done.
Last edited by BrandN(8)ew at May 24, 2006,
#2
You know what?
I loved this. I really did.
It was practically orgasmic.
I have nothing else to say about it other than it was amazing, brilliant lines man, like:
But I love the way you looked in that dress...
Like you had been molested by attention you couldn't get.

Really awesome man. Well done. 10/10 from me =P
Crit mine? the link is in my sig xxxx
Quote by calvinthecanadi
I'm now an official Franzaholic.


Meep is a word.
Use it.
#3
I really liked it too.

It needs a big tidy up though, but as a start it's pretty nice.

Good to read a proper song for once.

Welcome back Nate
#4
hahahahahah shouder fetish it was rather good tho

do you really have a shoulder fetish?
Quote by alliwant
OK, I made a bet witht his guy I know, and I lost...I now have to swallow my own man juice...is there any risk like could I get any diseases from doing this? I'm a virgin so I have no STDs...I don't think...

Answers quickly please!



#6
no, lol I don't really have a Shoulder Fetish. Okay maybe a little. no. Gawsh peeople actully remember me. I'll try to get to yours.
I've got the taste of lies creaping at the roof of my mouth, should I spit them out and blame it on being sick?
Or should I swollow the past and forget about what I have done.
#7
You leave me utterly SPEECHLESS I don't even know what to say this song was that awesome. This is the type of music I aspire to write but I'm so bad with the who topics thing and usually stick to what i know but god damn this is some grade A songwriting here. Better then anything I've heard on the radio lately. 15/10 hands down.

my songs are in my signature, check me out.
#8
Na-na-na-nate 'n Bake, this crit is going to be lame, but I'll try my best to help.

How was my day? Well actually pretty cliche .
Except I was going to call you but froze up at seven twenty eight...
the last four digits ones I couldn't translate.

"Good rhyming going on here, but there were a couple things I didn't care for; such as, "but froze up..etc", that's just something I've seen/heard too many times. And in the last line there must be a word missing, like "the last four digits were ones I couldn't translate", unless I'm just reading it wrong and am confusing myself."

How was my night?
You showed up with the drama that would eventually turn into a full fledge fight.

"Shouldn't it be full fledged? Anywho, nothing else I can negatively point out here."

But I love the way you looked in that dress...
Like you had been molested by attention you couldn't get.
All you are to me now is just a warm body under these sheets,
and it's a shoulder fetish that is the only thing preventing me from choking you and stabbing you

"I love this part. The last half of the last line is a bit 'meh' to me, but I love everything else here alot."

but apparently your leaving soon, so I don't have to.

"it should be 'you're' there."

And I guess it's just what I deserve.
You're leaving town but you can keep these words.
You don't mean a thing to me, but I am sure you don't know that,
because I just spent forty-five minutes telling you otherwise.
So just get out of this house before it's my fault.

"Good bit here, nothing stood out as amazing to me, but I still enjoyed it. It's better than most other things I read here, though a little weak by your standards."

How was my week? Bored, sarcastic and cheap.
You tried to call me; reluctantly I threw down the phone ...
which has come to be the best form a lying I ve ever known.
What a great gathering.
You were nowhere in sight and that's the part I liked.

"Again, this is good. I enjoyed this bit more than the last part."

So don't try calling you have been erased from my phone.
And if it says restricted I'll just assume that it's you.

"This part is a little weak and plain in my opinion."

All you are to me now is just a cold chalice through my eyes,

"This line seems like it should be reworded a bit, to something like "all you are to me is a cold chalice..etc" or "all you are to me now is a cold chalice..etc" or something, just very slight revision. It reads a little awkwardly the way it is, in my opinion."

because I see you when I sleep,
knowing that you have crashed here so many times.

"Loved this."

Wishing I wasn't so vulnerable, so tangible so capable of this nothingness,
a meaningless mess... that I sorely miss.

"Pulled off the rhyming pretty damn well in this bit, in my opinion. Good job."

But I guess that s just what I deserve your leaving town

"I think you should have an "of" after 'your' in here."

but you can keep these words.
You dont mean a thing to me, and now I know you know it.
Because I just spent four hours writing this and now sending it.

"The last line should be reworded a tiny bit, well, actually all you need to do really is put in "am" right before 'now sending it'."

So just get out of this house before it's my fault.
Don t let me convince you that I am capable of marrying you.

"Good outro."


Overall, this was a tiny bit weak compared to your other work, but I still enjoyed it. Sorry my crit is weak, and sorry it took me awhile to get around to it. But good job.