just a lil something i wrote in class one day when i was bored, kinda a true story,eh its a long story, lol so ya, ive writen alot but ive never had anyone tell me if im good or not, so please, do not hold back, if im sh!t than tell me, if im good tell me, and please tell me how i can improve

Let me tell you a story about a guy i know, he said his life had hit an all time low. Locked up in his room, hiden away from others, hated his life and cursed at his mother. Than one day he met a man in black, and he said "hey bro want a lil jack?" "Sure" he said while taking a sip. and the black liquid touched his upper lip. And thats when things spun out of controll, He had won the bet but sold his soul, he sold it to the devil but on a higher level. After jack came a lil rum, than his friend said "lets have some fun" He pulled out a bag full of sweet cocain, and a dirty purple haze started to rain. Than his head started to spin. "I got something to take away that evil sin." Thats when things spun out of controll, he lost his soul to rock n roll. Than his friend rolled up his sleeve, stuck a needle and started to leave. "Wait, what did you just do?" "I gave you a shot of smack or two" The spinning stopped and his mouth grew dry. He got cold and started to cry. Cheated on his girlfriend and now there doomed, friends and family had to leave the room. Lost his house no where to go. Than he was picked up by the po-po.He was sent to re-hab and common health, lost it all no hope for himself. Clean and sober for about a month, found himseld new drugs and a ****. Thats when things spun out of controll. Picked up a girl that he never met, had it back, thought he was set. Things heated up now their on his bed, before he knew it she was giving him head. Went to sleep after a great lay, not knowing he would wake up with AIDS. That was it, he had nothing more. drank himself the night before. His friends and family all wished they had cared, now he is hidden somewhere up there. Thousands of dollars left in his room, for a relasonship that he had doomed. Guitars, cds, and broken bottles scatterd 'round. next to that his body lay on the ground. Everyone saw it and started to cry "why in the hell did he have to die?" for about a week things were pretty ****ed, after two it only sucked, three or four and it was kinda sad, than burned away like a bad fad. And the moral of the story is that life just sucks, and its easy to run out of luck. Sh!t happens so dont be late, tonight you got a date with fate.
It was a little hard to read. maybe spread the lines out so its not just one big confusing thing of writting.
The rhyming sounded a bit forced. There were some good lines. ("I got something to take away that evil sin.") and some lines that let the piece down a bit, ("Went to sleep after a great lay")
Nice effort, maybe just re-write it a bit to make it flow a bit better and remember: it doesnt have to rhyme to be a good song!
I liked it as a piece but i'm not sure if this is/going to be a song. It's hard to visualize it as more than just a f'ed up nursey rhyme but eh not everything on here is meant to be a song but i think it has the potential to be. Great job dude.

Help me out some and take a look at mine (down below)