#1
Apparantly I'm going through a simple rhyme scheme phase, so bear with the aabb's. It's a song I wrote today after a good discussion with some people about how everyone wants to always rise up, without ever appreciating where they're at at the moment. So I wrote a little diddy about it, and here it is. As always, a crit for crit will be carried out.

Hello neighbor, what have you got there today?
Whatever it is, I wish it would come my way
How?s the weather way up there?
In your pedestal high in the air
We?re all living here in the same neighborhood
You said we?d always be equal, but you knew we never would
You?ll enjoy all of your stuff; I?ll enjoy my story
I?ll hopefully see you sometime soon, good day Walter Corey

And you say what a sweet life
But you don?t even see what?s under your own nose

I?ll watch my neighbor on this lovely day
Their eyes will tell what they won?t say
They?ll stay longer than they have to in your home
To prolong the step down to their own
When you are the object of someone else?s desire
Don?t think of yourself as less than quagmire
Everyone wants to move on up, but you can give them a surprise
Become happy with where you are, in that way you truly rise

And you say what a sweet life
But you don?t even see what?s under your own nose

All the people all the time want their best friend?s lawn
But no one appreciates the verdure of their own
You say not to envy thy neighbor
But you turn green when you see the fruits of their labor
You need to realize that you really do have a lot
Then you can really appreciate everything you?ve got
And when you stop looking up at pedestals in the sky, so blue
And appreciate what you have people will look over their fences at you

And you say what a sweet life
But you don?t even see what?s under your own nose
Phish Phan
DeadHead
Moe.ron
If there's a jam out there, I'm probably listening to it.

Check out the Bodatious Banana Extravaganza: http://myspace.com/bbeboston
#3
First of mate, you wrote a little Ditty about it, not A Diddy; they were Ken Dodds short hairy helpers.

Pretty good bud, the rhyming seems fine to me, it offers a simple method of getting to the point, and there is nothing wrong with that. However some here will be getting red in the face at your simple use of language. Which I enjoyed. Cause the diction was enough to offer your ideas, and message, which is a sound one, everyone wanting more, is getting a bit tiring.

I guess you will have a pretty upbeat sound to this on the ole acoustic.

Yeh Good stuff Mate
Al the best Hendrix4ever

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=365867
Last edited by Glenn James at May 26, 2006,
#4
Note: on the last line of the first verse, it should be Richard Corey, not Walter. For those of you who understand the literary reference, it should make more sense now.
Phish Phan
DeadHead
Moe.ron
If there's a jam out there, I'm probably listening to it.

Check out the Bodatious Banana Extravaganza: http://myspace.com/bbeboston
#5
ok so i had to google richard corey to get the reference, but very clever =) it's a very unique way of getting that message across. nice little moral, the ending line of the last stanza really sums the piece up nicely i think. also, i think the simple rhyme scheme really does it for this piece, as the song is really about a basic concept. i like songs that use simple language to describe simple human behaviour.

good work man =)