#1
I submitted this to my school's literary magazine and they won't accept this piece without revisions, so I'm hoping to get some opinions. I'd like comments as soon as possible because I have to hand it in in about 12 hours. After the original piece I'll post what the piece would look like with the editors' revisions. Let me know which parts you think should be changed. Thanks in advance.

Crits and/or comments on revisions would be appreciated. Crit for crit.

Two Fourteen

You, the wind against my window on a nocturnal summer night.
A night when I vowed to never fall asleep again if it meant dreaming of you,
The tiny footsteps on my rooftop that stomp at me, and no matter how maliciously,
I still sit up in bed to hear this liquid symphony. I watch you cascading off the shingles,
Streaming downward to no end and I keep inching closer to the pane.
I find it's things like you and this that make me so oblivious
To everything, the things I need, because I don't know it's raining
Unless I'm standing in it.

Distorted by the downpour, a full moon wanes hanging in the zenith of the sky,
And I'm not one to croon to the moon but it's what I do, it's what I do,
It's what I do each night for you ever since I saw the icicles melting for you.
Staring up, it's hard enough to even count the constellations,
The letters that fresco themselves across the soaked skyline in supernovae.
And when the stars finally get to me, know it's love and centrifugal force
That keep us all going around.



(Version with suggested revisions. Bold and strike-through are the changes. They say that the repetition in the second stanza doesn't work, but my point was to make it sound like crooning. They also say that the last two lines are cliche. I know that it gets sappy with the love talk, but I don't think I've ever heard of love being compared to centrifugal force. Personally, I feel that their suggested replacement for that line is more cliche, but let me know what you think.)


You, the wind against my window on a nocturnal summer night.
A night when I vowed to never fall asleep again if it meant dreaming of you,
The tiny footsteps on my rooftop that stomp at me, and no matter how maliciously,
I still sit up in bed to hear this liquid symphony. I watch you cascading off the shingles,
Streaming downward to no end and I keep inching closer to the pane.
I find it's things like you and this that make me so oblivious
To everything, the things I need,
and I don't know it's raining
Unless I'm standing in it.

Distorted by the downpour, a full moon wanes hanging in the zenith of the sky,
And I'm not one to croon to the moon but it's what I do, it's what I do,
It's what I do each night for you ever since I saw the icicles melting for you.
Staring up, it's hard enough to even count the constellations,
The letters that fresco themselves across the soaked skyline in supernovae.
And I feel the stars getting to me.
The stars are finally getting to me.



Sorry for the rambling, everybody. I'd really appreciate any feedback or thoughts. Thanks, if you managed to get to this point.
#2
they shouldn't tell you how to write your music, **** them and keep up the good work.
#4
maybe try making it pain. to sort of play on the words there. and give it more of a double meaning. Replace the word zenith i think it doesn't fit in very well with how you used it. even though i know it makes sense but i feel like you used it just becuase you coudl and not becuase it sounded good.
Can you see in the dark? Can you see the look on your face?
#6
i'm thinking "nocturnal summer night" is a bit redundant.

i don't think those second two lines of the first stanza should be taken out.

i also think the second stanza should be in its original form, with those last two lines that you added at the end in there also.

this was really good, anyway. i totally enjoyed it.
check mine out? its worth your time. promise.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=362238
#7
You, the wind against my window on a nocturnal summer night.
A night when I vowed to never fall asleep again if it meant dreaming of you,
The tiny footsteps on my rooftop that stomp at me, and no matter how maliciously,
I still sit up in bed to hear this liquid symphony. I watch you cascading off the shingles,
Streaming downward to no end and I keep inching closer to the pane.
I find it's things like you and this that make me so oblivious
To everything, the things I need, because I don't know it's raining
Unless I'm standing in it.

okay, the first line is, as system said, reduntant. i think it should be "You are.." i think "night" should be changed to something else so as not to repeat yourself. maybe to "hour"? i have to agree with them though, i didn't care for the second line. i dont think you should take it out, but i think you should make a transition from the wind to the rain. because as it stands now, you said "you're the wind" but then it's "rain cascading down" without anything to tell us. i think you should start the second line with "you are" also because to me the repetition would be a plus.

now i dont think it makes sense if you cross out the 6 and 7 lines and leave the last. in my opinion, i think you should say "The things like you and this make me so oblivious to everything/ Unless i'm standing on it."

i like the internal rhyming in this and so far i think it is well written


Distorted by the downpour, a full moon wanes hanging in the zenith of the sky,
And I'm not one to croon to the moon but it's what I do, it's what I do,
It's what I do each night for you ever since I saw the icicles melting for you.
Staring up, it's hard enough to even count the constellations,
The letters that fresco themselves across the soaked skyline in supernovae.
And when the stars finally get to me, know it's love and centrifugal force
That keep us all going around.

i think "wanes hi in the..." works better because it keeps the internal rhyme thing. the second "it's what i do" would sound better to me if it were "what i must do." and then have the next line begin "And i do this every night..." although that beginning sounds fine as it is. i dont think this line should end with "for you" because that gets repetitive.

their replacement lines suck. these are a little tougher. but if your lines were going against their lines in a cliche competition, theirs would take first no doubt. i don't know what they were thinking... this is all i can think of for this, but if you changed "The letters" to "These letters..." and then make the next line "are finally beginning to get to me." so it ended up being

"These letters that fresco themselves across the soaked skyline in supernovae
Are finally beginning to get to me"

i think it would work


overall i think this is a wonderfully written piece. i liked the internal rhyme and the alliteration throughout.

maybe you should include a line about dumb ass people who are jealous of poets and therefore make the poets change their works because it makes their sorry magazine asses feel powerful... lol

no, but seriously this is well written and they should get over themselves
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#9
Wow, I don't think I've ever gotten such constructive criticism on this site ever, or maybe I just haven't been here in a while. Either way, thanks so much to all of you. I'm considering all revisions right now. I will definitely pay back crits in the near future, but as for now, it's four AM and I have school in a few hours and might want to get some rest. Thanks again, all.

Crits are still welcome...
#11
The crossing out was just to show that those lines would be deleted from that version of the poem.