#1
Little background... This piece is meant to be a pseudo-introduction to my ongoing series (who knows, might even turn into a book ) regarding rebirth. In this installment, the stage is set for my later musings on the subject. On a side note, contrary to most of what I write, this piece came to me quite rapidly in almost visionary matter (and I was like "Surely some revelation is at hand" ( to the Yeats fans) ) Enough of my rambling, here 'tis.


To Pen the Name


Lend your mind a fortnight?s time
To the passage of a dream;
A steady flow of consciousness
That?s rarely what it seems.
Hear what you may;
Hear what I say
And take note of what you like.
Defend the mean,
Commend the end
Or denigrate the Reich.


And listen as the reaper, Time,
Pays homage to the dead
Through cryptic melodies in rhyme
And allegories in red.
From forkèd tongue
To iron lung
Heed to his visionary breath.
The mountaintops,
And pleasure domes
Transcend beyond your death;


Emerge untouched,
You recollect;
The past and future merge.
Sway left and right,
Embrace the night;
Fall victim to the dirge.


Last edited by pooch0072 at May 25, 2006,
#2
That was magnificent!

No seriously I loved it.
It flows so well, and the rhyme scheme is the best I've seen in a while. I liked how you used the common metaphors for death, they worked well here. Dirge, that's a good word, though it has always made me thing of an and hill in the dirt...don't know why, even after I found out that it is a funeral song type thing.

Anyways I have no suggestions, sorry chap. It's just so wonderful.

Give me some criticism on my newest if you get the time...thanks.
https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=365790
#4
Hey pooch.

I enjoy your variation of rhyme, used to such great effect in 'The Bell' of course, and here again it gave a different dimension to the work. It also flowed well, and is crammed full of what I feel are foreboding images. Certainly a decent scene-setter.
#5
Quote by pooch0072

To Pen the Name


Lend your mind a fortnight?s time
To the passage of a dream;
A steady flow of consciousness
That?s rarely what it seems.
Hear what you may;
Hear what I say
And take note of what you like.
Defend the mean,
Commend the end
Or denigrate the Reich.

For an opening stanza this is great, sort of throws you in at the deep end and I like it. I really couldn't find much to crit in this.

And listen as the reaper, Time,
Pays homage to the dead
Through cryptic melodies in rhyme
And allegories in red.
From forkèd tongue
To iron lung
Heed to his visionary breath.
The mountaintops,
And pleasure domes
Transcend beyond your death;

I love the 'homage to the dead' part, a very nice mental image. The flow in this stanza is excellent, it just seems to roll of the tongue nicely. The imagery all the way through this is good to be honest. I wasn't too fond of the line 'pleasure domes' but I think that may just be personal preferance.

Emerge untouched,
You recollect;
The past and future merge.
Sway left and right,
Embrace the night;
Fall victim to the dirge.

A nice ending to this, very apt. Nothing too much to say again here.



Overall I thought this was a fantastic piece, probably my favorite of yours. As I said there was hardly anything I could offer any crit on. A new one of mine is up if you'd be so kind https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=365908
All-O-Gistics:

Thou shalt always go for greatness
Thou shalt not commit adulthood (ALL)
Thou shalt not partake of decaf (ALL!)
Thou shalt not have no idea (ALL)
Thou shalt not allow anything to deter you in your quest for all (ALL!)
Last edited by PiNk_ThE_pUnK at May 26, 2006,
#6
Ah and Pooch can write :P This was a very good introduction into whatever you will make this and im looking forward to further installments. On another note very well written and good diction and use of literary elements. anyways yes i really liked it, no apparent changes on the surface for me. Get back to me with the rest when its up
#7
You are probably one of the best writers on here, you have a fantastic flowing feel about you, with diction and ideas and metaphors abound. I reckon this will be putting you up for plenty of wotm (said in a pigs in space voice) votes.

Defend the mean,
Commend the end
Or denigrate the Reich.

that is so well presented, as it all is, but yeh liking those three lines a lot


My only crit is that your intro has a touch of the Hendrixs about it.(jokingly said)

Lovely work mate, hope some of it rubs of on me.
All the best Pooch

https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=365867
Last edited by Glenn James at May 26, 2006,
#9
haha, thanks mates! I owe you all crits, thanks for the input.

To Pink : the pleasure dome bit is a reference to a (very) famous poem. I won,t tell you exactly which, cause that would just ruin the fun.

I will elaborate more on the global meaningof the piece if it is deemed necessary, though you guys should find it

once again cheers everyone
#10
Out of interest Pooch, would that poem happen to be 'Kubla Khan' by Coleridge - not sure on the spelling, sorry.
That doesn't mean you were spaced out when writing this, does it?

Sorry about this. You mentioned 'visionary' in your foreword, and I became intrigued by your last post.

I'll go away now.
Last edited by CJW at May 27, 2006,
#11
You got it CJW! The intoxication, if so to speak, is not induced my a chemical, but by the mental awakening of inspiration. I hadn,t even seen the connection with my Coleridge bit, but now it is evident (and it just goes to prove how big a part the subconscious plays in creative writing).
#12
Wow.

This is a really powerful piece. Your diction is perfect. There's seldom a writer on here who so magnificently blends (for want of better terms) "Common-man" and "Educated-man" like you did. It was almost hauntingly beautiful, a feel you seem to have been going for. I think I understand this piece fully, but I'd love to see future installments. Your rhyme scheme was amazing. I really loved that especially. Each line flowed into the next in a way I haven't seen (even in most modern, famous writers) in a long time. Reminded me almost of Frost or Poe. (Uh, oh, did I go there?)

Excellent work.

Edit: I know I didn't exactly help much, but if you wouldn't mind taking a look at some of my lyrics: https://www.ultimate-guitar.com/forum/showthread.php?t=367704

I'm so excited I actually wrote some solid LYRICS that I can't tell whether they're great or bad. haha.
#13
This is very, very good. I could go on repeating what others have said, which seems to be a trend, *cough cough* but yeah. The only sad thing I could imagine is if you palm muted open strings 4000 times and did a devilish scream on every word. Now that would be a let down. To me.
#14
this is my first post, the first thing i read, and i liked it alot. U really have a talent for this kinda stuff.
#15
I love you... nothing else needs to be said, but i guess will be said anyway
I dont think you understand how great this is and I'll try to put it in perspective:

1. Every line hits home, for some reason its very relatable for me
2. that 'Designate the Reich' line... wow, just wow, just incomprehendible flow and brilliance.
3. Every line has purpose, nothing extraeneous
4. I read this at least 10 times whilst I was banned, along with your 'Bells'... thatsa lot of pooch'a /awestruck Italian
5. you remind me of Poe, except probably more pretty
6. my my, is that the art of the euphony of binding perfection within the general and specific I smell? I think it is!
7. I got the allusion! go me! excellent subtlety with that as well
8. The sing-song lulling tone resinates off of this with excellence and makes the end line that much more powerful and brilliant
9. I love your writing
10. I love you

... I think thats about it
#17
I have always found using a pen name to be useless, simply because there is always a way to track you back to your real name. Secondly as you point out when you use different pen names you spread out your link juice to what you are doing.
#18
Quote by pooch0072
Lend your mind a fortnight?s time
To the passage of a dream;
A steady flow of consciousness
That?s rarely what it seems.
Hear what you may;
Hear what I say

these two lines are they only ones I don't really like, they don't seem to fit with the rest of the piece at all.
And take note of what you like.
Defend the mean,
Commend the end
Or denigrate the Reich.


that's the only criticism I could think of. Seriously man, this is a masterpiece .
You who build these altars now

To sacrifice these children
You must not do it anymore